If you guys haven’t seen Erika Jayne pretending she’s Gwen Stefani while sucking a lolly, scratching her crotch and trying to convince us that her vagina still works like it did twenty years ago, check out her video. I did a version for Watch What Crappens, and it’s below in all its glory for you to enjoy. To grab it on iTunes, click here. These recaps are really long. If you wanna check out the backlogue, check out the RHOBH archives, too! xo
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, this camel had the chance to kick the shit out of someone and did nothing.
I hope your ass got eaten, ya lazy fuck.
We’re still in Dubai. The ladies are jumping into different Rolls’ to do shopping in a mall that doesn’t sell five dollar chachkies to give Kathryn on her birthday. Probably means she won’t get presents, but at least she can hear the disappointment thumps her heart will make now and there will be less of a chance a roach will crawl up her choach. Happy birthday!
Erika just wants to have fun and not fight. How bout BEING fun? That would help. She will like the fighting because she’s happiest when she can roll her eyes at other people while offering nothing herself. Or if she gets to try and catch flies with her ass cheeks in leather bar performances Don Rickles pays for. Not suggesting either ways of having fun are bad ones.
Vanderpump, Kyle and Kathryn are in a car together, and Vanderpump is extremely depressed. You can tell because she’s not wearing hot pink.
Do you know how much Ken and I have done for this muumuu?
She’s disappointed, dahling. Eileen doesn’t want to be her friend. Kathryn thinks she says Eileen doesn’t wear Depends and insists that V is wrong. Bless Kathryn’s heart. It was never her ears that were dull. It was her brain.
Kyle, psyched that they could possibly pass a Cinnabon today, cheers Lisa up by reminding her that the last trip they went on, she got slapped by a younger, stupider ho. Why would you say that? The rest of the drive will be filled with a laundry list of shit Lisa did for Brandi.
I sent that girl an emoji on her birthday once. THE BETRAYAL!
Rinna, Eileen and Erika are in the other car. There’s a box of Kleenex between Rinna and Eileen, which is needless. They will be rolling up their boogers to flick at Vanderpump all day. Lisa, in her mom of toddlers voice, announces to the class that it’s Kathryn’s biiiirthday, m’kay? Let’s make sure we keep the day about Kathryn until it’s time for me to make it all about being manipulated into saying that! Hopefully someone will buy Kathryn a hat to loan Eileen. Did this betch get a job at Yellowstone National Park or some shit?
Spoiler alert: Eileen’s finale gown
Kyle tells the girls not to curse or talk about sex because she’s terrified of prison. Oh hon, I’m sure you could find someone to loan you a bra in your goal size even there. Pat on head.
There are chauffeured mini Rolls to drive them around the mall, and Erika is happy to be shuttled from one form of transportation to another. Don Rickles’ smaller plane will be flying in the small plane later to get her from Nordsies to S’barro.
They pass an aquarium. What is it with this town and deadly fish? It’s fitting for the show and all, but it’s disturbing. Vanderpump asks a stingray for drinks later but makes sure Eileen doesn’t hear so she can’t steal it from her. Nothing to worry about. Eileen’s busy warning the locals not to start fires.
Put that cigarette out young lady! HOW DARE YOU!
Everyone shops for shit that costs a million dollars (literally). Somehow, Rinna finds a Keds store to blow twenty bucks on some plastic bedazzled walk-a-mally shoes and some tongs too help her kid out at her toast making gig. Erika has a new Chanel purse in Hello Kitty pink. She could have bought that at home, but there’s no secretary she has to fill out Don Rickles’ money request forms for first in Dubai. Well done.
Vanderpump is dragging ass sadly today because no one’s paying attention to her. Just buy a restaurant in the food court and pay some fuckers to be nice. This is advice I shouldn’t have to give her.
They all move on to the Burj Kaleefa, which is the tallest phallic building in the world. Erika eyes it and wonders if sitting on it hard enough will convince it not to make her sign a prenup. I know you were worried that Kyle wouldn’t have some phony ass fear to whine about in order to avoid any transgendered prostitute conversations that come up. Today, it’s heights. It was either that or finding a way to brag about money, use Kim’s addiction or plug a Fatburger. I’ll take it.