“She was riding my daddy’s dick, that’s something I can’t do.” That’s how people talk on this show.
Welcome back to Thicker than Water, the show where you can see a former brothel-owner and a new church form in the same 43 minutes and within the same family. Last week, Cyrene the gluten-eating rebel continued to throw constant shade on her mother, who agreed to lay up a bit. Unfortunately Jewel’s definition of lay up involves an emotionally punishing trip to Detroit… Even though her child is supposed to be back at school making up for a missed semester… Sounds promising!
Good-bye, family!
Immediately, I am reminded of how fake this family is for the camera.
Do I look hilarious? Can everyone see my diamond?
Yes, girl, from space they can see it.
Jewel and the other ladies of the family are all headed to Detroit for a girls’ trip. Because nothing says girls’ weekend like Detroit.
Jewel seems to think that the talk show that Ben pays for is real and not just a ruse to keep her out of the house.
That camera is plugged into a toaster.
Jewel says that she used to be thug. Normally, I assume anyone who describes themselves as a thug is someone who lives in their parents’ basement, but in her case I believe. Because a prerequisite for being in this family is being trash or having committed crimes.
Sidenote: This show is so bottom rung of Bravo that the green screen work in the talking heads is shameful.
This looks enough like a hand, right? No one will notice, right?
I am performing for the camera. I have never had a genuine response in my life.
Jewel’s first “Talk Show” guest is Brooklyn, who was a teen mom and brothel owner. Sounds like Grade A material:
Rapping/Do you think that camera at the front of the car is catching this enough?
These people are awful. Act normal for five minutes, please! All of the ladies are packing and flying in to Detroit except Marcus’s wife. Marcus cannot be trusted to watch his own child for a few days. Ahhh, my favorite trope: men who can’t or won’t take care of their children. This is ridiculous. Idiot teenagers can take care of a baby and you are an adult, Marcus, learn to take care of him! And ladies, stop perpetuating the myth that men are incapable of responsibly looking after their babies alone. All this does is demean men and makes your life more difficult because they will start to believe that they can’t hold a baby without him spontaneously combusting. The same goes for you, Facebook memes about what happened when dads watch their kids. UGH. Stepping off the soapbox…
This is an excellent baby.
Micah is so cute and he taught himself to blow raspberries. Good move, kid. You’ll need that sound a lot living in this family.
Jewel’s haircut needs a level…
Jewel the thug takes us to her “spiritual parents” mega mansion. Apparently these people made church fun for Jewel. What? What is this? Are these godparents? Or just rich people looking for a tax write off? Why isn’t the rest of family invited to this house?
Jewel reiterates her plan to stay on Cyrene even more. Because you push and it doesn’t work, just push harder! I hate to think what other terrible useful things she preaches.
Time for the talk show! Ugh. Brooklyn, still on the hunt for stardom delivers a super clever line…
“I guess blood really isn’t thicker than water.” DID EVERYONE ON SET HEAR THAT? GET IT, GUYS? IT’S THE NAME OF THE SHOW. THIS SHOW! THE ONE THAT I AM ON!!!
Benji comes over to visit the remaining family because it’s snack time and he is not going to go shopping. Ben taught him that is woman’s work ONLY. ONLY! Benji wants to make it easier for his wife when his baby is born. He will do anything. Except work or worse: woman’s work. Marcus describes how gross he finds a woman’s body normally and how much more gross it is after a baby comes firing out of one. His wife reminds Benji he shouldn’t smoke weed around the baby.
OMG guys. That means I will never… meet my baby.
Jewel describes her show as being on the first Black-owned Christian television network that is on in 24 million homes in America.
And with the math conversion… that is 7. Seven homes. Seven homes that we own, of course.
This whole show is about me. It should be called Thicker than Brooklyn.
Jewel jumps right into the hard-hitting journalism. We learn that Brooklyn had Diamond when she was 15 and pregnant at 14.
Benji continues to be suspect in terms of handling babies.