Hi, Trashies. It’s week two of the The Bachelorette and it’s time to go on some dates! This is where the drama really begins. Shall we get right to it? I think we shall!
JoJo wakes up in the morning feeling lucky and excited to be The Bachelorette. Of course she is. Just once, I want a lead to say, “Did you see the train wrecks that showed up last night? I’m fucking terrified of all this.”
“I’m so scared one of these guys will kill me in my sleep.”
Meanwhile, the guys are singing the praises of JoJo. James F. admits that it’s a great group of guys and not one of them could be classified as a jerk. As if on cue, we cut to Chad making a toast. Also, he thinks that none of the other guys have dated a woman as beautiful as JoJo. Yep. And Chad is just covered in gorgeous women. That’s totally why he came on this show.
And now it’s time for the first date card to arrive! Chris Harrison even makes an appearance to try to convince us that he still gives a damn about this show.
He’s gotta earn a paycheck somehow.
This week, the first date card goes to Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Will, and Robby. It says “Let’s heat things up. <3 JoJo.” Immediately after that, a limo pulls up and bursts into flames. I’m not making that up.
A flaming car wreck. It’s the best metaphor this show has ever given us.
A firetruck pulls up and JoJo gets out.
Once again, you’re welcome, gentlemen.
While all the other guys are just happy to see JoJo, Chad is showing his full Chadness and telling us that JoJo will see that he’s way better than all the other guys as soon as she finally goes on a date with him.
And Chad passes the time by doing this. Of course he does.
The date is, of course, at a fire academy. There will be a competition. The top three will then compete with each other for a chance to spend more time with JoJo. The phrase “hot date” is thrown around a lot and JoJo somehow tries to make this whole ordeal about trust. I have no idea. Everyone is worried about Grant because he’s an actual firefighter and used to doing stuff like this. Oh, and Daniel makes a joke about pulling a hose back at his apartment.
Subtle.
The whole time, Wells is about to pass out because he weighs all of 100 pounds soaking wet. Of course, this just gets him some attention from JoJo.
This happens at least once every season.
Back at the house, James Taylor is writing a song with the guys that just says “JoJoJoJoJoJoJo” a lot. Chad is being a realist and pointing out that all the guys are super obsessed with a girl they’ve known for all of a few days. That would make sense in the real world, but this is Bachelor Nation. You fall in love at first sight. It’s in your contract.
Ooh! It’s time to announce the top there on the date. They are:
Luke
Grant (that’s good for his real world job)
Wells (because he didn’t give up)
They have to make it to the top of a tower to save JoJo and get some more time with her. So, yeah, this is between Grant and Luke because Wells is barely standing.
It’s a good thing the actual firefighter won this challenge.
At least we know that the SFFD won’t fire Grant for not winning a firefighting challenge on a reality show. How embarrassing would it have been for him to go back to the real world had that happened?
Luke is really frustrated and we spend way too much time focusing on that. Even Robby says how much it hurts that another guy gets to spend time with JoJo. Holy hell, these guys are really invested in this quickly. I could understand disappointment, but hurt? Come on now.
The nighttime portion of the date starts with JoJo and Grant talking about how he decided to be a firefighter. It’s just the same stuff from his intro package – he likes to save people. The end. Also, he would kiss JoJo and tell her he loves her every day before going to work because he might die on the job. I’m not really sure that’s something you want to say to someone if you’re trying to get with them. Anway, JoJo says that Grant is a hero and selfless and blah, blah, blah.
And then they make out.
We cut back to the house for another date card. This time, it’s just for Derek and it says “Love is full of choices. <3 JoJo.” Jordan tells us that Derek getting the date card is a huge downer.
He says it with a smile on his face.
On the date, JoJo was super impressed with everyone and asks to spend some time with Wells. So, Grants extra time was just a few minutes of conversation? Anyway, Wells at least owns that he sucked at the challenge. I’m starting to like him. Oh, and he breaks out pictures of his dog to try to win JoJo over. That’s a good move. Pictures of cute animals totally work on me. Then there’s a montage of JoJo’s time with the guys while Luke complains about it. Oh, then it’s finally Luke’s turn. As always, we have to talk about past relationships. Am I the only one in the world that doesn’t give a shit about my current boyfriend’s past relationships? It’s really none of my business.
I’m uncomfortable for Luke.
And then they make out. I need to set a macro for that phrase. Despite the making out, the rose goes to Wells. Yay! Luke repeats “extremely frustrating” once again. Does he know any other phrase?
It’s time for Derek’s date! If it were me, I’d totally want to go on a date with a John Krazinski look alike.
JoJo, if you don’t want him, I’ll take him!
Anyway, the date card was vague because they’ll be deciding the date together. So, it’s a real life Choose Your Own Adventure book.
CHOOSE TO PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE FUCKING WHEEL, JOJO!!!
First, they have to choose between “sky” and “sea.” On the count of three, they both say “sky.” So, they arrive at an airport. Here are the rest of their choices.
North vs. South – North (they go to San Francisco)
Golden Gate Bridge vs. Lombard Street – Golden Gate Bridge
So, basically, they just drink some wine at the Golden Gate Bridge. That was anticlimactic. Say it with me:
And then they make out.
Why the fuck are they still working on that lame song back at the house? Oh, it’s just a chance for Daniel and Chad to talk shit about the other guys. Chad says he warns women to stay away from guys who are nice because they’re all ass holes. He comes off like an ass hole, but he’s actually nice. I think he’s just drunk. His speech about making a protein shake about the guys in the house makes no sense at all.
I bet Chad would get along really well with Elise.
And time for one last date card for Jordan, Christian, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad. It says, “Prove your love to me and the nation. <3 JoJo.” Remember when these cards were clever? Get your shit together, Bachelorette interns! The guys who don’t have dates this week are bummed, but Chad interjects with, “You’ve gone your whole life without JoJo. You can’t go a day?” Once again, good advice in the real world, but not so much for this show.
Oh, yeah, Derek is still on a date. JoJo recaps their date so far by saying each choice they made today led them to something unbelievable in the end. Really, JoJo? Really? Wine and the Golden Gate Bridge is “unbelievable”? I think you need a new dictionary, girl. Oh, then they talk about Derek’s last relationship and I scream, again, at the TV, “THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AT THIS POINT, JOJO!!!” Anyway, Derek is going to be this season’s “my walls are up and I’ll work through them on this show” story.
And JoJo makes it all about her and getting dumped by Ben.
In the end, JoJo gives Derek a rose.
And then we quick cut to the group date the next day. The men arrive at the EPSN studio. Chad tells us that he can’t prove his love yet, but he can definitely prove that he’s willing to be in love. Fair point. Don’t make me like you, Chad. For some reason, JoJo is being interviewed about basketball and she’s learned her lines well. I don’t believe for one second that JoJo grew up watching ESPN and that she loves sports. Didn’t she say that she doesn’t really follow football when asked if she knew of Jordan before the show?
Remember when I made a touchdown at the baseball stadium last season?
Once again, the guys will be put through a series of challenges to see who is the best for JoJo. Jordan just uses this as an excuse to name drop his brother. Did you know his brother is the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers? I had no idea! Why hasn’t he mentioned this until now?
So, the first test is a celebratory dance for getting a rose.
I think this show has officially morphed into Flavor of Love.
After that, the men twirl around a bat before proposing to JoJo. So, what’s the metaphor here? Chad is complaining because the other guys aren’t being real and just joking around. Honestly, Chad is taking this way too seriously. If I were JoJo, I’d be more impressed by the guys just letting loose and having fun with a goofy challenge. When JoJo tries to get Chad to have a little fun with it all (after his simple “will you marry me?” proposal), he comes back with, “Starting off a little naggy here.” He tries to make it seem like JoJo wants a man who will “put her in her place” (even typing that makes my skin crawl), but I’m pretty sure that lots of women would prefer a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously.
I saw this when I looked up “douchebag” in the dictionary.
Finally, there’s a question and answer period about what the guys want. Does anyone else do a spit take when Jordan says he wants someone loyal? James Taylor sings because he’s obviously just trying to get a record deal out of this. I bet he’ll get on Bachelor in Paradise and meet Carly so they can release a duet about roses together. When asked who JoJo should not pick today, pretty much everyone calls out Chad. He tries to say he’s “keeping it real,” but it just seems like he’s having a temper tantrum and doesn’t know how to be a little bit silly. Chad doesn’t even try to make up for it when it’s his turn to be interviewed. Dude just seems like he’d be exhausting to be around. Can I just tune him out now?
Ugh, he goes on a rant about how all the men said they were in love with JoJo in their proposals. Holy shit, dude. Everyone knew it was a fun little game. None of these guys are in love with JoJo at this point – they know it and she knows it. They were all just being silly and playing a fun game that was set up for them. And with that, let’s take a cute animal (and beer) break.
Time for the power rankings (in reverse order)!
3. Alex
2. Chad (really?! As Andi once said, “There’s a difference between being honest and being an ass hole.”)
1. James Taylor (I’ll always write out his first name.)
Chad then whines about not getting first place. Oh, whatever. He tries to make it seem like all the guys were lying to JoJo in their fake proposals. Literally no one in that room thought that what those guys were saying was real. That was the whole point. They were all having fun with it. It was silly. Everyone else was in on the joke except Chad.
During the nighttime portion of the date, JoJo makes a point of thanking the guys for being good sports (except for Chad, but I think that goes without saying). James Taylor gets the first alone time. He’s a little hokey and kind of talks like a fortune cookie (“a smile is the only thing from inside that you can see on the outside”), but it’s a persona that works for him.
Even his stupid love note made me like him more!
The whole time, Chad is just badmouthing the other guys and I just can’t deal with it anymore. When he finally gets time with JoJo, he backpedals hard and tries to make it sound like he was “just joking back.” Ugh, I hate people like this. Then he plays the dead mom whose dog he inherited card and JoJo eats it all up. I think JoJo hit the nail on the head when she says that Chad is overcompensating. My guess is that he’s still grieving and channeling his sadness into douchebaggery. No matter the reason, it’s not attractive. At all.
And then they make out and I vomit.
With that, the group date rose goes to James Taylor and I’m really happy. I really do like him a lot (despite my early comment of him just trying to get a record deal). He constantly talks about not deserving this and how JoJo is out of his league, but it never seems to come off as insecure. It just makes him look like a genuine guy who is happy to be here. I hope he doesn’t do anything to ruin my love for him. Of course, Chad is pissed. I feel like I’ll be saying that a lot this season.
Cocktail part time! Ugh, Chad is waiting outside for JoJo to arrive so he can talk to her first. We don’t really see much of the conversation at all, so that was a waste of time. Honestly, this was just used to cause drama in the house and I have no doubt that the producers set the whole thing up. The men confront Chad and he just kind of avoids the subject in favor of meet on a stick. So, yeah. There’s that.
Anyway, Chase (who?) sets up a mini date with JoJo where he has some fake snow falling because he snowboards. We get a second of that because we have to watch Chad eating an entire plate of lunch meat and wings.
And here we have the rarest of sightings: a contestant eating on camera.
Will and JoJo are toilet papering the trees outside the mansion and that seems like a hell of a good time. Chad, of course, thinks this is juvenile. Dude has such a hard time having fun, doesn’t he? I’m not even sure what happens during his one-on-one time with JoJo. He interrupted Alex’s time, but didn’t seem to actually have anything to say.
So, here’s my quick Chad rant. He’s the perfect example of “it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” As you all know, Sharleen is probably my favorite contestant of all time. She constantly told the truth throughout her time on the show, and she said pretty much everything that Chad has said about all of this. However, she only spoke for herself. She never put down other people for falling for the lead quickly. Sharleen often said that she herself was having a hard time falling in love with Juan Pablo because she barely knew him. Had Chad not been such a douchebag to the other guys the entire time and only spoken for himself, I’d be singing his praises right now. Oh, and then he interrupts multiple guys having conversations with JoJo. I understand doing it once per cocktail party, but you don’t have to keep doing it. Also, it really seems like Chad isn’t doing this as a way to talk to JoJo. He’s doing it to get under the other guys’ skin. Seriously, the guy has literally nothing to say to JoJo when he talks to her.
Oh, let’s just get to the rose ceremony. I’ve had enough of this BS for one night.
So far, Wells, Derek, and James Taylor have roses. Chad is still eating. The other guys staying are:
Alex
Christian
Robby
Luke
Chase
Jordan
Grant
Ali
Daniel
We keep getting shots of drunk Chad.
Note: Alex says that if Chad gets a rose, everything he thinks the rose stands for is degraded. As if he countless failed engagements didn’t already degrade the meaning of that rose.
James F.
Nick
Vinny
Evan
Chad
Oh, of course it went to Chad. The producers made sure of that. You can tell with the way JoJo says “Chad.” Did anyone else notice that resigned sigh she gave after calling his name? Also, does anyone else get major abuser vibes from Chad? He straight up says that if he didn’t get a rose he’d 1. think JoJo had some major issue and 2. he’d confront her and tell her that it was complete bullshit and “you know you like me.” It’s one thing to play the villain on a reality TV show, but this guy is taking it to a whole new level. Chad strikes me as one of those guys who has spent way too much time learning to be a “pick up artist” and can’t possibly fathom that a woman wouldn’t be interested in him. Well, get used to it, Chad. I imagine there will be a whole lot of women who are terrified of you once this show is over.
So, that’s it Trashies. I’m sorry for all the ranting about Chad being a douche. Guys like him just get under my skin. Anyway, I’m sad that our Superfan is gone, but I’m not really surprised by the others leaving. Hell, Brandon didn’t even know who JoJo was! Anyway, sound off in the comments below. Lord knows there’s a lot of drama to discuss!
Next week, we have two episodes in a row, so I thank you in advance for your patience!
Until next time.
P.S. More Christian in a bubble bath, please!
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