Okay, Toddlers & Tiaras, you already know we love you. But we’re getting past the honeymoon phase and I swear to GOD you’d better crown someone soon! I love that you want to mix things up a bit, but our whole goal in watching your show is to make fun of kids, and, for the parents who read these recaps, to feel superior in their parenting skills. It’s just that easy.
Come on, feel the noise! I SAID FEEL IT!
If you remember last time, we had a major birther issue going on, with fatass Katie sending an anonymous email (you know you did, bitch, don’t deny it) about Kaylee’s age, and Kaylee’s mom fatass Becky looking for a fight. But good news…they actually had the birth certificate with them, so all is well. Even Debbie admitted that she wasn’t sure who sent the email or that the “Fair Pageant Bureau” actually existed. It’s called the internet, Debbie, look into it. And Debbie? You cannot come drinking with any of us!
In yo’ face, bitches!
Becky walks into the room where all the girls are getting ready, and she asks Jaimie if she needs to see the birth certificate. Having no clue what is going on, Jaimie’s like, uh, yeah, because why now? Becky tells her she knows who did it but it’s for “after the pageant.” Oooh! Katie says nobody cares how old her daughter is, but her face says she got BUSTED. What Katie really needs to do is get a life.
So finally we get this damn pageant started. Cambrie looks like a super-glam, soft-core Princess Leia (although I guess Princess Leia in the gold bikini IS the soft-core porn version in the first place) as she tells us she brought 13 girls to the pageant. Someone off-camera says Jaimie brought 17 and Cambrie says she’s surprised she has that many girls. Heh.
Somewhere Jabba the Hutt just orgasmed.
So Selyse has to pee-pee! Just go on yourself, you know it won’t matter. The Sassy Supremes continue to bitch about Kim, and Jaimie keeps pointing out that this is their first pageant without a coach. Oh, get over yourself! The first 1000 seasons of this show had kids without coaches and a lot of them did just fine. Sometimes even better!
And look! It’s take your mother to work day! $20 says I’m older than Cambrie’s mom. Sigh.
Sheena (Kim’s friend who defected from Jaimie a couple of years ago) said that she switched to Cambrie because Cambrie’s Court was always beating her daughter “left and hand” or “left in hand” – neither make any sense – but she says that Jaimie’s coaching turned into sleepovers and it was really glorified babysitting. And how!
You know, it’s pretty clear that although Cambrie does this as a job, she actually does like the kids. I have no idea what that must be like.
First up is beauty, and Debbie makes some odd metaphor about how beauty pageants are like being on a wrestling team. You are on a team but the wins are yours individually. Are pageants also totally homoerotic?
Debbie has a few strict rules – no coaching for kids five and up, and each judge can deduct 2 points from the child for coaching. And then she seems to forget any other rules. And what a stupid rule. Bet those moms go practically apoplectic sitting on their hands!
Pageant photo bomb!
Oh crap, it’s Cadence. She’s screaming. Mom Amy tells us and tries to convince herself that Cadence is going to do well today despite the fact that she’s a fugly little bizzitch. Cadence tells us she’s the queen and she can do whatever she wants. Give me about 5 minutes with her and I will make her forget both of those things AND her name. And yet? Brenna was still worse.
“I am the one in charge,” she says. That is never good when a kid says that. Then she goes off on this weird story that she is going to see Baby Club, which is when you help rescue a baby if somebody threw it out because they didn’t want it anymore. Oh, is that what happened to her? Somebody threw her out because she was such a brat and she was rescued by the Baby Club’s Amy and Julie? Because that actually makes sense.
Julie looks more ominous than proud right now.
Amy tells us that even though Cadence has never won an ultimate, today’s the day! Cadence gets onstage and it’s clear that today is so not the day. She doesn’t smile, she’s stiff, she messes up and little Caitlyn tells her mother, “She looks lost,” which is totally hilarious. Julie cries per usual because Cadence is so beautiful. I’m sensing Julie is suffering from a severe case of glaucoma. Cambrie is horrified. Amy says Cadence “nailed it.” Only if you mean the nail in the coffin that is her pageant career!
It’s a regional pageant, not a degree from Harvard, proud mom.
Selyse is up next and Cambrie is watching her. I think Kim thinks it’s up to her to go with Cambrie, but Cambrie is the final decision and we all know it! Selyse is really cute this time, and Kim says if she trains with Cambrie, she’ll be pulling mega titles. Cambrie’s like, yeah, I’ve got this when Jaimie totally did not.
Why, God, why?
The pageant has the girls do a lineup where they get all the girls onstage together before coming out on their own. One girl is in like a nice church dress versus a true glitz pageant dress…so see you later, participation award.
Denied!
Debbie interviews that the girls should keep eye contact with the judges and should look, “Natural…like they are used to wearing this hair and makeup.” Yeah, hair and makeup that is totally not natural on a little kid!
