Settle in children, and I’ll tell you a scary ghost story cloaked in a fairly amusing police thriller. There will be handsome men and lovely ladies battling to save the world from an apocalypse. Or maybe the Rapture. It’s a bit unclear. There are also awesome guest starts who don’t survive but who get the honor of being referenced by their full name at all times. Because I do not approve of killing off the handsome ones first. The story begins during a Revolutionary War battle in the Hudson River Valley of New York. A man fights ground forces until a masked rider storms down upon him on a white horse. As this show is called Sleepy Hollow and he’s been in all the promos we know he is Ichabod Crane. But this time instead of a dorky school teacher he’s a hot soldier. I fight for freedom while also maintaining my elaborate beard grooming rituals. Ich shoots the horseman off the horse and for an entire half a second he appears to be dead. But then he sits up and reveals that the Headless Horseman is being played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Because he’s a Man in an Iron Mask. Ich and Leo fight until Leo slashes Ich across the chest with a broad ax. (Weapons nerds: feel free to correct me in the comments.) Ich gets all wide-eyed and shocked, completely unable to believe a man is trying to kill him in the middle of a war. With one swing of his sword Ich decapitates Leo and they both fall over dead. (Headless body count: 1.) As a woman’s voice pleads with Ich not to go we shift to a cave full of gross things in jars. Not “Hannibal’s storage locker” heads in jars (yet) but gross nature things like snakes and frogs. (Nature nerds: shut it.) Crane bursts out of the ground, covered in mud and some gloppy white stuff I sincerely hope is wax. He stumbles out of the cave into a river then through the woods to grandmother’s house a road. He stops to ponder this weirdness and gets clipped by a car. He runs away from the car while Sympathy for the Devil starts to play and a sign informs us that he’s in the Village of Sleepy Hollow, population 144,000. In a diner, the local Sheriff, Clancy Brown, eats dinner with his partner, Lt. Abbie Mills. Abbie is young, pretty, and excited to be leaving in a week to join the FBI. She looks less excited and more constipated in this shot. Clancy Brown and Abbie exchange banter to prove they are closer than most partners and that he thinks of her as a surrogate daughter. Clancy Brown makes a point of how many unsolved cases there are in the area to convince her to stay. In the background an older, distinguished priest watches them a bit too closely. As they leave the diner they get a call to go out to some stables to determine what’s […]
Settle in children, and I’ll tell you a scary ghost story cloaked in a fairly amusing police thriller. There will be handsome men and lovely ladies battling to save the world from an apocalypse. Or maybe the Rapture. It’s a bit unclear. There are also awesome guest starts who don’t survive but who get the honor of being referenced by their full name at all times. Because I do not approve of killing off the handsome ones first. The story begins during a Revolutionary War battle in the Hudson River Valley of New York. A man fights ground forces until a masked rider storms down upon him on a white horse. As this show is called Sleepy Hollow and he’s been in all the promos we know he is Ichabod Crane. But this time instead of a dorky school teacher he’s a hot soldier. I fight for freedom while also maintaining my elaborate beard grooming rituals. Ich shoots the horseman off the horse and for an entire half a second he appears to be dead. But then he sits up and reveals that the Headless Horseman is being played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Because he’s a Man in an Iron Mask. Ich and Leo fight until Leo slashes Ich across the chest with a broad ax. (Weapons nerds: feel free to correct me in the comments.) Ich gets all wide-eyed and shocked, completely unable to believe a man is trying to kill him in the middle of a war. With one swing of his sword Ich decapitates Leo and they both fall over dead. (Headless body count: 1.) As a woman’s voice pleads with Ich not to go we shift to a cave full of gross things in jars. Not “Hannibal’s storage locker” heads in jars (yet) but gross nature things like snakes and frogs. (Nature nerds: shut it.) Crane bursts out of the ground, covered in mud and some gloppy white stuff I sincerely hope is wax. He stumbles out of the cave into a river then through the woods to grandmother’s house a road. He stops to ponder this weirdness and gets clipped by a car. He runs away from the car while Sympathy for the Devil starts to play and a sign informs us that he’s in the Village of Sleepy Hollow, population 144,000. In a diner, the local Sheriff, Clancy Brown, eats dinner with his partner, Lt. Abbie Mills. Abbie is young, pretty, and excited to be leaving in a week to join the FBI. She looks less excited and more constipated in this shot. Clancy Brown and Abbie exchange banter to prove they are closer than most partners and that he thinks of her as a surrogate daughter. Clancy Brown makes a point of how many unsolved cases there are in the area to convince her to stay. In the background an older, distinguished priest watches them a bit too closely. As they leave the diner they get a call to go out to some stables to determine what’s […]