Hi, Trashies! It’s time for us to be on the regular schedule for Bachelor in Paradise! That’s right, we’ve got a two hour episode on Monday, a one hour episode on Monday, and a one hour “After Paradise” special. With that in mind, let’s get right to the snark!
We pick up where we left on last week – Chad’s temper tantrum over being kicked off the show. Well, before that, who the fuck did they get to sing the opening theme? Ooh, maybe it’s Carly and James Taylor. Anyway, while Chad is having his meltdown, everyone else is talking about how relieved they are that he’s gone.
It was nice of the producers to give Chad some lunch meat for the van ride to the airport.
In the van, Chad tells us that everyone was into him until they all realized they “weren’t supposed to be.” Or they were all willing to give him a chance until got drunk and proved that he’s the violent ass hole that everyone thought he was.
Back at the hotel, Carly gets done telling us that she doesn’t want any more girls to arrive when Leah (Ben) shows up. She was the one who tried to throw Lauren B. under the bus. You can immediately she cares greatly about being safe while so close to the ocean.
She recently attached two giant flotation devices to her face.
One of the twins (I honestly can’t be bothered to tell them apart if the show doesn’t want to treat them like individuals) tells us that Leah always likes to find drama and she thrives on it. Meanwhile, Leah tells us that she’s excited to see all her friends because they’ve grown super close. Of course, she has a date card and asks if anyone has seen Chad. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I love that her reason for wanting to date him is that they both like protein. This girl has her priorities straight. Anyway, she makes this a way bigger deal than it has to be.
So, Leah decides to just talk to all the guys and see who she likes best. While she’s making the rounds, the other ladies are talking about Leah’s new appearance.
Mature as always.
Amanda is jealous of Leah talking to Nick, but the other ladies get him to just talk to them…and tells them about his penis. I’M TRYING TO LIKE YOU, NICK! Knock it off! While that weird conversation is going on, Leah comes back to ask Nick on her date and he accepts. Amanda gets all pouty and I have to wonder if she made any effort whatsoever to talk to Nick before this point. Oh, and we have to get a really uncomfortable montage of the twins eating bananas while Vinny and Jared perv on them.
Oh, hey! Lace is drinking! Now that Chad is gone, she’s focusing all her energy on getting a rose so she can stay in Mexico where all the free booze is. She asks Vinny what he thinks and tries to get him to talk to Grant for her. When Grant finally does go talk to Lace, I can’t really focus on what they’re saying because I’m distracted by the small furry animals growing out of Lace’s eyes.
This girl must go through lash glue like water.
Anyway, Grant is still open to getting to know Lace and won’t hold her evening with Chad against her.
Ugh, Amanda is still whining about Nick going on a date with Leah. She says that Nick seems like the kind of guy who “knows how to get a girl.” Yeah, except for those two times that he was dumped on national television. With that, we jump to the actual date.
Which apparently is a toddler’s birthday party (with booze).
The date is nothing interesting. They drink margaritas and walk around the festival for a little while. Leah keeps telling us that this is her first one-on-one date, but it really seems like this is her first time interacting with another human being. It’s obvious that Nick isn’t really all that into her, but all Leah can do is gush about him. He still makes out with her though.
While still whining about Nick, Amanda calls her kids. At least we’re not getting the whole “I’m looking for a father for my kids” thing (yet). When Leah and Nick get back, Emily, Haley, and Amanda all just stone face her as she talks about her date. Then Daniel shows up with a date card. Because “there are no rules in Paradise,” the card is for Nick. Leah thinks she gets to go on another date, but we all know the producers set this up because they know Nick is into Amanda, right?
The frown is even funnier with the massive lips!
While Amanda is getting ready, Leah comes in and points out that they own similar makeup. Is that really worth noting? Two women with similar coloring own the same cosmetics. Who would have thought?
The date is nothing special – they just have dinner. They just talk about Amanda and how she’s nice but she’s not a doormat. She says “like” a lot too. Where’s Luke? They should talk. For some reason, Amanda calls that simple conversation “the best first date I’ve ever been on.” Amanda has low standards.
And then they make out by a fire.
While all the kissing is going on, Leah is back at the hotel complaining about how she has such bad luck dating. Maybe that’s because she’s trying to date by going on a reality show.
Anyway, Sarah is trying to figure out who she likes because a rose ceremony is coming up. I guess she was interested in Vinny, but he’s with Izzy. Despite that, Sarah decides to try for him anyway. I love that neither Sarah nor Izzy talk about actually liking Vinny. They just talk about wanting roses. That sums up this show perfectly.
Ugh. Carly is interested in Evan. They’re all touchy feely together and she’s telling us in her ITM that she wants to know what it would be like to kiss him. She just wants him to be aggressive and be a man. Oh, Carly. If you’re looking for manly men…
…this is not your guy.
Not even a little bit.
While Evan falls asleep dreaming about that kiss, Carly tells us that it was terrible and she doesn’t understand how he has two children. Despite that, Carly is still attracted to Evan (why?) and wants to get a rose (oh, that’s why).
While the worst kiss ever is being discussed, Lace is telling Grant how much she likes him.
And the interns use MS Paint to fill in Lace’s bikini bottom.
In short, Grant is willing to look past the whole Chad thing and get to know Lace. That’s enough for Lace, so they go back to one of their rooms, cover the camera, and do stuff that they don’t want the camera to see.
The usual brand of subtlety from the editors.
And the blanket “fell” off the camera.
The next day, the ladies are getting ready for the rose ceremony.
And Leah is blowing up a water toy for some reason.
Chris Harrison arrives to tell the ladies that two of them will be going home. Also, there’s only one rose for Haley and Emily – and everyone thinks that’s perfectly normal. ABC is milking this twin gimmick for all they can, aren’t they? Anyway, Sarah still wants some one-on-one time with Vinny. They talk for a minute and then they make out. But not five minutes later…
Sarah who?
Before we get to the whole Amanda/Nick/Leah triangle, we have to talk about something. I’m a big proponent of wear whatever makeup (or lack thereof) makes you happy, but…
No, girl.
I’m all for wearing whatever makeup you want. Hell, I loves me some purple lipstick (I might totally be wearing it right now). However, one of my biggest pet peeves is people not wearing weather-appropriate makeup. When it’s hot and humid (as I imagine it was during most of taping), don’t put on a butt ton of makeup that will look ridiculous as it melts and smears off. Throw on some tinted moisturizer, mascara, fill in your brows if they need it, and finish it off with a neutral lipstick or tinted lip balm. (End rant!)
Leah asks to talk to Nick for a moment, but we only hear her ITM where she said that Amanda would be needy because she’s a mom. I’m not sure how she determined that, but OK. I do love this conversation:
Leah: You’ve been through this a lot.
Nick: Well, only twice.
Leah: More times than you should have.
That’s not how you get a guy to like you, Leah.
Nick couldn’t be more annoyed right now.
Nick is completely honest and tells Leah that he connect with Amanda a little bit more. Leah has been so exhausting this episode. She’s just trying so damn hard. I feel like she wants to do what Lacy did in the first season of this show. Lacy came in and immediately got people to notice her. The only difference was that she was kind of effortlessly charming. Leah just seems like she’s trying so damn hard.
We get to hear the only word most of these people know – “blindsided.” I’m not sure why Leah was surprised by this. She went on a date with Nick, immediately after that he got a date card, and chose to take out Amanda. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious to literally everyone else in the world that Nick likes Amanda at this point.
Because Leah doesn’t want to go home, she sets her sights on Daniel. They have a weird conversation about oranges and onions and where is Ashley S. when you need her?
I MISS YOU!
This starts off a chain of every woman wanting to talk to Daniel since he’s pretty much unclaimed. Oddly, he seems to have the best connection with Sarah. He’s still an eagle and he won’t drop to the level of a pigeon. Also, if he were going ot bang someone tonight, it would be one of the twins. With that, Chris Harrison arrives and it’s time for the men to give out the roses.
Grant gives a rose (and his dick) to Lace
Nick gives a rose to Amanda
Evan gives a rose (and more awful kisses) to Carly
Jared gives a rose to Emily and Haley (NO, JARED!!! JUBILEE IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!!!)
Vinny gives a rose to Izzy
Daniel gives a rose to Sarah
That means Leah and Jubilee are leaving. Jared is really sweet (as always). He didn’t have a romantic connection with Jubilee, but he thinks she’s awesome and wants her to meet someone. From what I’ve saw on Twitter while this was airing, the two of them are actually really good friends. I hope they stay that way. My boyfriend was really mad that Jubilee left. He couldn’t understand it at all. We both came to the conclusion that Jubilee is the best and he he totally has my permission to dump me should he ever get the chance to date her.
You have a permanent invitation to brunch, Jubilee.
Leah is not nearly as composed in her exit. She cries while we watch Nick and Amanda make out.
The next day, Nick is telling us how excited he is to see where his relationship with Amanda goes. Of course that means nothing good will happen.
“Nothing good indeed.”
Yep. That’s Josh (Andi). Her book had quite a few not-so-nice things to say about him – mainly that he is controlling and has a terrible temper. I mean, we kind of saw that when he threw a tantrum about the lie detector date. No one should be surprised about this “revelation.”
Of course, Josh has a date card and, because we need to have a lot of drama, he asks Amanda(and uses his dog’s cancer to get sympathy). After they leave, it seems like everyone is making a bigger deal about this than Nick is. People keep asking him about it and he just kind of answers with, “Well, it sucks. So there’s that.” Also, it seems that this really wasn’t the big deal that the show made it out be. Nick even told Amanda (both prior to the show and at the rose ceremony) that he was really there to meet Jen (Ben). With that in mind, it just seems like Nick was more annoyed to have to deal with Josh and it had very little to do with Amanda. Yeah, Nick liked her, but she really wasn’t his first choice.
We see a little of Amanda and Josh on their sailing date, but we’re going to focus on Nick back at the resort. He’s talking about the book that Andi wrote about her relationship with Josh and her time on the show. Nick tell us that the parts about Josh (his bad temper, his mental and emotional abuse) are quite disturbing. He admits that the parts about him are true, so he has no reason to believe that Andi lied about Josh.
On the date, Amanda brings up Andi’s book. Josh says that none of it is true and it seems Amanda believes him. Despite coming her for Jen, Nick tells us that he hopes Amanda is still interested in getting to know
I’m guessing the answer to that is no.
Because we’re not grossed out enough by Josh’s tongue down Amanda’s throat, it’s time to focus on Evan and Carly. Evan is all but singing his love from the rooftops. Carly, on the other hand, is telling us that her brothers warned her not to date such effeminate men. In her words, “My first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And here we are again.” Also, she tell us that Evan gives her erectile dysfunction. I’m not sure Carly understands how that conditions works. As if on cue, Evan receives a date card and asks Carly. Despite her whining, she says, “sure.”
Chris Harrison is on the date! Evan and Carly are going to have to eat a habanero pepper and kiss to set the Guinness World Record. OK, why does Chris Harrison say this is one of the hottest peppers in the world? And why does Evan think this is the “hottest pepper in the history of humanity?” Depending on the type of habanero, there are at least eight peppers that are hotter. My dad has some Carolina reapers growing in his garden. I’ll send some of those to Evan and Carly and we’ll see what happens.
The kiss starts, and we get a voice over of Carly telling us how much she hates this kiss. She really could have just said no to the date. On the upside, Evan is a world record holder. He’s got that going for him at least. Ugh, shut up Carly. Evan’s kiss did not make you vomit. Seriously, I’m not an Evan fan, but Carly is being downright cruel.
Oh, hey, Jared and Emily are having a “conversation.” They’re just talking about their favorite numbers and colors. How deep. Emily also gives us some flirting tips that don’t seem to work at all…until they make out.
Josh and Amanda finally get back and Josh just babbles at Nick. I honestly have no idea what Josh is talking about. Despite that, I’m not sure why everyone says that Josh “stole” Amanda from Nick. She really seemed to go willingly After the conversation, the epic Josh and Amanda make out session begins.
Speaking of make out sessions, Evan is telling Vinny how much fun he had on his date with Carly. As for Carly…
“It was a nightmare.”
That’s where Monday night ends. We pick up on Tuesday with Daniel literally counting his abs.
He lost count a few times too.
Josh and Amanda are still making out.
Daniel tries to get Nick to confront Josh, but that doesn’t happen at all. It seems that Nick is just annoyed by the flaunting of the new relationship rather than the relationship itself. I can see where it would get old to be around a couple who hasn’t breathed since they met.
Later that night, Daniel and Sarah are hanging out on a random bed that’s outside. Honestly, they’re really cute together. Normal Daniel is kind of adorable. I’m kind of hoping these two hit it off. Unfortunately, Daniel tells us that no one is going to get in the way of his relationship with Sarah. You know what that means. Someone new arrives!
And he’s pretty.
Christian (JoJo), of course, has a date card. He decides to talk to the guys so they can figure out who is paired up already. Grant says that he and Lace are hanging out, and Josh practically pees all over Amanda’s leg to claim her. Once that conversation is over, Christian asks Sarah out. Daniel gives us another bird metaphor about Christian swooping in and stealing Sarah away.
The next morning, Evan and Carly are the topic du jour. Daniel knows that Carly isn’t feeling it and tells us that he wants to help Evan so he’s less Evan-ish. Daniel really is the gift that keeps on giving. Meanwhile, Carly and Evan are telling very different versions of the date. Carly then tell us that Evan gives her erectile dysfunction because he has no swag. And with that, she goes to tell him that she’s just not feeling it.
This is the opposite of a JoJo breakup! Carly is direct and to the point, but still kind. After Evan walks away, Jared comes over to ask Carly how she’s doing. I do feel bad for Evan having to watch this back. Jared just says, “You went on a date and you threw up. I don’t think it’s going to work out.” I’m not an Evan fan, but this on top of some of the shitty things Carly had to say about him probably couldn’t have been fun for him to see.
I’m picking Evan over you here, Jared. Think about that.
While Carly and Jared laugh at Evan’s misery, he’s off on his own crying and telling us how much he deserves love. I’m not sure if he’s sad that Carly ended things with him or if he’s just sad that he might not be on the show much longer.
Daniel is talking to Carly with more bird metaphors (calling her a shit hawk) and Evan, well…
He’s crying on a pile of dirty clothes.
Why the fuck does Carly refer to Evan has her ex-boyfriend. They went on one date. They kissed all of twice. That does not make him your boyfriend, Carly! I wonder if she’ll write another song about this. Once that conversation is over, Daniel confesses to Carly that he hopes Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Sorry, Daniel.
OK, so why does this show always make the one-armed girl go zip lining or something like that? Remember on Sean’s season when she had a similar date?
Back that resort, Evan is still whining and someone else shows up. His name is Brandon (Des) and even Chris Harrison doesn’t recognize him.
Does anyone recognize him at all?
Chris eventually remembers Brandon because he was the one who wore a thong in the music video they all made. Anyway, he gets a date card and I’m sure he’s just hoping that anyone remembers who he is. Carly at least knows that her brother would know this guy, so there’s that. Oh, and Carly thinks that Brandon is hot. She thinks that he won’t want to go out with Haley because she’s boring. Of course that means Brandon chooses Haley over Carly. Haha. Shut up, Carly.
We get a small segment of Emily getting drunk from a single beer because she doesn’t drink that often. It’s nothing all that interesting. She says that Amanda is “practically engaged.” I’m just happy to see Amanda not attached to Josh’s face.
Oh, Christian and Sarah are still on a date. As usual, we see all of five minutes of the two of them liking each other and kissing, because that’s all we see of any date on this show. When they return to the resort, everyone sits around and listens to them talk about their date. For as cocky as he was, I’m really glad that Daniel just straight up admitted that he’s jealous. And, of course, there are more bird metaphors.
I officially like you Daniel. Here’s your brunch invitation.
In case you forgot, this is still going on.
Nick is continuing his quest to completely win me over when he says that he’s worried he might not get a rose because Josh “has a steady diet of Amanda’s tongue.”
Later that night, Daniel has decided to make his own date with Sarah. She’s a bit torn. Daniel makes her laugh a lot, but she wants to know that she can connect with him on an emotional level. I officially love Daniel when he simply tells Sarah that he’s OK with who his weirdness. If he can make Sarah laugh and make her happy, then he’s doing OK. Then he once again just admits that he was jealous of Christian. I think it’s a rare thing to see anyone admit that they’re jealous. Maybe Daniel is way more self aware than we thought. Honestly, I like these two together. It just kind of works. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Daniel says that Sarah is “HAND down the best girl here.” I hope that was on purpose.
Well played, Daniel. Well played.
Despite all this, Sarah is torn between the guy who is good on paper (Christian) and the guy who she likes and makes her laugh (Daniel). I say go for Daniel. Just compare the way each man spoke about her. Christian said he liked having Sarah between his legs on the zip line because it was sexy. Daniel said that he really likes that Sarah has taken the time to get to know him and appreciates his weirdness. I never thought I’d say this, but PICK DANIEL!!!
Oh, yeah. Brandon and Haley have a date. The twins decide to pull a switch on him to see if he really can tell them apart. In the middle of the conversation, Haley gets up to use the restroom where she and Emily switch clothing. She gets back, and Brandon has no idea. Shocker, I know. Brandon even tells us that he hasn’t felt this type of chemistry in a really long time.
Back at the resort, there are three couples (Grant and Lace, Josh and Amanda, Vinny and Izzy) all making out on one big bed. Because of course that’s what they’re doing.
At this point, I wouldn’t even recognize Amanda without Josh stuck to her face.
Ugh, now Evan has his sights set on Amanda. Really, Evan? Really?! Ew. Ew ew ew. He decides to make his own date card that says, “Evan, you deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house.” The episode ends just as Evan approaches Josh and Amanda. We all know this isn’t going to work, right?
So, that’s this week on Paradise. After Paradise was nothing special. Sean Lowe hosted it with…someone I didn’t recognize. Jubilee was awesome. Chad kind of apologized to Sarah, but he continued on his rant about everyone being there for fame. I think that’s hilarious seeing as he’s doing literally everything he can to stay relevant. Hell, he left this show throwing a tantrum about how he’d never be The Bachelor. Oh, and the not-Sean Lowe host spoiled the ending for one of the couples. Awesome. Why isn’t Chris Harrison hosting this again?
Probably somewhere in a robe drinking a mimosa.
Make sure you check out the Rose Pricks podcast with our very own RonnieK and Stefanie Wilder Taylor. It’s always hilarious!
Until next week, Trashies!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get find the occasional gif on Tumblr!