Two long weeks ago, we’d never seen Americans lying about being robbed by fake Brazilian cops. We hadn’t really seen an American basketball team struggle to stay in the Olympics. We’d never seen such a diverse women’s gymnastics team. I still haven’t seen any of it because I’ve been playing RHONY on an endless loop and holding a candlelight vigil for its return. Someday I’ll find out if Raven Simone Manuel nailed that triple lutz but until then I present…the worst housewives trip ever. Not Berkshires worst. It’s “bored out of my mind” worst. I’m sick of the Tom pentagon but we’ve gotta ride this thing like, well, like they’ve all ridden Tom. I typed up a bunch of notes and lost my internet connection so like Usain Bolt’s running and Sonja’s basement, this is gonna be quick and dirty.
This is who fought this week:
Ramona vs. Doors
For some inexplicable reason, Ramona has approximately 47 hotel keys in her possession. She probably went to a key party and no one would claim ownership of each one she pulled.
Ramona vs. Her Mouth
Ramona found out, along with the rest of us, that Tom was tongue inspecting some woman’s epiglottis. She’s enraged that she didn’t find out first so that she could be the one to make Luann cry. Ramona pinky swears not to tell anyone about this, walks into Sonja’s room looking like she just finished watching a live cat neutering and fights off spontaneous combustion. Fortunately, she’s able to stick to the script. Ramona wins this time.
Luann vs. The Roman Calendar
Luann is feeling pressure especially after Bethenny’s impromptu Cosmo “How Far Will You Spread For Love” quiz. She reasons that she has eight months until the wedding. That’s 56 months in housewife time. Can Tom and Luann make it down the Bravo step and repeat to the altar?
Carole vs. Bald Men
Carole sees the picture of Tom with the other woman and states that it looks like him but then again, all bald men look alike. I’d say that this will spark a firestorm but bald men are too busy confusing each other for Patrick Stewart to actually tweet anything.
Sonja vs.The Bad Tenant
When Bethenny, Sonja and Ramona arrive to dinner first, Sonja reveals that she and Tom were together right before Thanksgiving. Bethenny can’t believe that Luann and Sonja overlapped a dude especially since Luann was living with her. Sonja decides to add a clause to her future leases specifying that “wear and tear” applies to furniture, large napkins and toilets; not men.
Early Birds vs. Night Owls
The aforementioned group is at the restaurant and furious that the others have not arrived and therefore made them ineligible for the early bird discount. Meanwhile, Luann, Jules, Carole and Dorinda are piling into a car because our favorite cradle robber had a “wardrobe malfunction”. Before we saw Janet Jackson’s nipple, it was called “getting high and not being able to find your pants”. Bethenny refuses to sit next to any of the offenders when they arrive late and then reams out Carole at the table. They probably scripted this moment to get Twitter off their backs. Carole could have easily gotten two straw wrappers and worn them as pants. Make it work.
Dorinda vs. English
Our favorite powdered doughnut used her time waiting for Carole rolling around in her mini bar. She invites the women to Sandbar but Ramona pitches a fit because there aren’t any tables or food there. I feel your pain, girl. Dorinda is so angry she says things like “don’t comfameezumased” and I know that because the producers hate her. Dorinda should really libbidotoronohp.
Bethenny vs. Fun
It isn’t enough that all of the other trips were ruined by Bethenny’s threat to start the second largest gulf spill in American history, she has to go back to the hotel with Sonja because she’s still pissed about the women being late. This robs us of a classic Sonja party scene and makes us watch Bethenny and her favorite cast member, Easy Now Tea, recreate a murder scene on the hotel’s white bedding.
Jules vs. Brass Instrumentation
After dinner, the women go out for a night on the town. Jules is having a blast without Michael and uses a horny instrument to sand down her hematoma. A good time was had by all…except for the guy who actually owned the trombone.
Ramona vs. Contouring
Ramona plans to go out, even after their partying, and powders her nose so much, Dorinda thinks her stash has been found.
Bethenny and Luann vs. Alexander Graham Bell
Bethenny, with the help of Sonja’s little black encyclopedia, calls Tom to find out if he’s cheating on Luann. She says that the “asshole…know it all” part of her is gloating that she knows this information but she also feels bad. Luann, who Is still out and has no idea where Tom is because they love and trust each other, calls him to find out if he’s cheating on Luann. From the sound of it, neither one of them get through and they both get their answer.