Hey Trash Bags!

Now that we have had a week to recover from the infamous wire snip of last week, let’s dive right in, shall we?  The gang is at the Staples Center and we have to merge teams yet again.  Boy George is moved to Team Prima which consists of Carson and Lisa.  Team Arete is Laila, Ricky, Matt and Brooke.  Clippers owner, Steve Ballmer, is there to explain the task, and to be almost clinically insane.  This week, the teams will have to create a Clippers tee-shirt and perform during the first timeout of the Clippers/Suns game.  They have to get the crowd riled up and will be judged on their creativity, fan enthusiasm, and their tee-shirt design.  Of course, Lisa will be project manager for her team, and Ricky steps up for his.

Ricky immediately gets his team researching and Matt finds an old video of Ballmer speaking at a Microsoft conference.  He was the former CEO, until he took his billions and invested in a little round ball team.  In the video, he’s chanting, “I LOVE THIS COMPANY!” so the team decides to use this as a chant, changing it to “WE LOVE THIS TEAM!”  Very creative.  Lisa decides to have BG write an anthem about the Clippers and have Carson run around like a madman, while she raps.  Dear God.  Mrs. Personality is going to rap?  Ugh.  Carson does some research and discovers that Blake Griffin is a power forward.  Well, BG let’s us know he’s a power bottom.  Excuse me while I barf.  TMI Boy!

BILLIONAIRE

Carson is designing the tee for his team and BG thinks it should have a little more of their celebrity, so they add Ricky’s football number, Carson’s signature word “tszuj,” and a hat for BG.  Really?  A hat?  Yes he wears ridiculous hats, but I think they missed the mark.  I was expecting a chameleon.  A karma chameleon, if you will.

Brooke is designing her teams shirt, but, Ricky basically wants a black shirt with a bunch of writing on the front and nothing on the back.  It’s your funeral Ricky.  BG is writing the song and he brings some backup singers in to bring church to the Staples Center!  Umm…have you ever been to a bball game, BG?  The answer is no.

Crazy Steve meets with both teams and he feels that Matt’s impersonation of him and the use of his line is desperate and pandering.  He also feels that Lisa should handle the ball on the court.  Hello?  She was a pro player and a gold medal winner.  Both teams ignore his suggestions, and it’s on to the main event.

Ricky’s team comes out with their chant and it falls flat towards the end, so Ricky grabs the mic and tries to liven up the crowd, pretty unsuccessfully.  Lisa’s team comes out with crazy painted faces and BG’s signature ridiculous hat.  He sings his song and Lisa raps terribly.  I must admit that Steve thoroughly enjoyed it from the incessant cheering he was doing.

                                      PAPA SMURF?

We head to The Boardroom and Arnie makes some joke about how rich he and Steve are.  Classy.  They wonder why Lisa didn’t dribble or shoot, and thought it was cheesy that Ricky’s team hijacked Steve’s line from an old YouTube video.  They also didn’t love Ricky’s team tee.  Lisa’s team ended up winning and she won $75,000 for the Semper Fi fund that raises money for the armed forces.  This means Ricky’s team lost and he lets Matt escape and brings Brooke and Laila back to battle it out.  Laila had been sick and didn’t provide much enthusiasm during the task, but, she brings it here!  They feel that she has negative energy, but she fights back and inevitably, Ricky is sent to da choppah!  Good.  He bugged me.  Pervy Arnie asks Laila to flex her muscles as she leaves the room, and we are now three on three.

                                        GROSS

We head over to Gold’s Gym at Muscle Beach, and we ALLL know that Arnie is going to go off on how he was the best body builder in the world.  We know Arnie.  You remind us every week!  He doesn’t disappoint.  Forget about Arnie.  Who’s this beautiful, bubbly blonde next to him?  None other than Lezza Gibbons!  I don’t know about you guys, but, I just love her!  AND, I totally forgot that she won last season! Anyway, now that I’m done jerking her off, we can get to the task at hand.  The teams will have to choose one piece of workout equipment out of four, and then price it and sell it on QVC for eight minutes.  The project managers are a no-brainer.  Carson has been on QVC many times and so has Brooke, so they are both confident that they can lead their teams to victory.  It’s time to get to work, so Arnie says, “Hasta la vista…babies.”  Lame.

Hi Trash Bags!

Can you believe that it’s our fourth weekend in the Summer House?  Me neither, but, don’t fret.  Stephen is our designated recapper and reminds us of what has been going down in Montauk.  Basically we are still discussing “Photogate.”  When we last left our party animals, Lauren (single twin) had discovered that her summer fling (Carl) had lied to her about taking a date to a wedding he attended last weekend.  He had sent her a pic of him and his mom, but, sent Stephen a pic of him and his date.  Uh oh!  Busted!  Anyway, Stephen informs us that the wheels have fallen off the bus.  Actually, the bus has broken down.  Wait, he’d never take the bus.  Bad metaphor.  Cristina and Everett arrive at the house, but Kyle, the twins, Jaclyn, and Stephen are still at this dinner discussing Carl’s antics…and Stephen wants to kill himself.

They finish up their Carl convo and they agree that Lauren will have a chat with him, and no one will spill the beans to him about the twin wrath that is coming his way. (Cue Stephen giving him all the deets).

July 17 1:17AM~ Everyone is back in town and partying.  They have Dance Party USA and Kyle is getting pretty wasted.  We all know what that means!  Time to drunk dial Amanda.  UGH! This girl!  Stop going over for booty calls at 3 AM!  She doesn’t listen to me, so she goes over and is completely trashed making out with Kyle in the pool.  She’s chugging out of a giant bottle of vodka explaining to him that she doesn’t want to be some dumb 24-year-old girl that gets hurt and disrespected.  Umm…fail.

       AMANDA!  FIND ANOTHER MAN-DUH!

Noon~ Everyone is emerging from their cocoons, and Kyle asks the girls if Amanda can borrow something to wear since she is wearing her walk of shame deep V from last night.  Jaclyn, hops up to help.  Is she a “girls girl?”  Married twin, Ashley, digs into Kyle that he has to stop leading her on and treat her right.  This goes in one drunken ear and out the other.  Jaclyn clothes the poor girl and understands that she is worried about her titties hanging out.  First off, I hate that word.  Secondly, why would she care about that?  She has drunkenly gone to that disgusting house several times now to bang her ex in the middle of the night.  And we’re worrying about looking risqué?  OOOKKKKAYYYYYY.

The gang is lounging poolside and we learn that Amanda is a graphic designer.  One of the twins, ever concerned about their bodies, figures she must be great at Photoshop.  On second thought, maybe she can Photoshop Carl’s date right out of that picture!  Stephen is over the drama (that he practically created) and decides that they need to have a little fun.  He was a lifeguard and teacher, so he’s going to start the party by…wait for it…barking at them with his little bull horn and forcing them to do water aerobics.  What fun!!

              YYYYY ARE WE DOING THIS???

One twin thinks they look like condoms bouncing up and down in the pool, one is peeing in the pool, and Everett is pissed…as usual.  This isn’t a workout!  A REAL workout is running through the trenches with your platoon sergeant yelling in your ear that you suck and should die.  Something like that.  I can’t take this guy.

5PM~ They all leave and head back to the city.  This week, we get a little glimpse into Cristina and Lindsay’s lives.  They despise each other, so this should be fun.  Cristina has quit her job to be a freelance writer.  I guess she’s doing a little work for E! Online.  Now, I interned at E! back in college, so I don’t know who would quit their full time job to freelance for their website…but we’ll get to that later.  The girls meet to get their nails done and we also discover that Lindsay has left her PR firm to start her own company.  They immediately dig into each other about petty things, and Lindsay informs her that she is naming her new company Hub House (her last name is Hubbard) and that she is in a transitional phase, so she’ll have to have her 10 interns work out of their apartment for just one day.  This infuriates Cristina and she tells her to have her work day at the Starbucks downstairs, or have them WORK FROM HOME, like she does.  Her reaction royally pisses Lindsay off, but she lets it go…for now.

Friday~ Back to Montauk we go!  Carl and Stephen are riding together and Carl has tonsillitis.  Maybe he shouldn’t have stuck his tongue down that whores throat at that wedding last weekend!  Did I say that?  My apologies.  Team Twin here.  Basically, Stephen gives Carl the 411 on what has gone down, and they decide that he’ll pretend he knows nothing of what has gone on.

Welcome back! The above audiobook is a podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Twitch told the ladies that having a pregnant daughter made her feel “Those firzt mother inztincts.” That means “I wanted to shoot heroin and snort meth off Emilio Estevez’ ass” in addict speak, apparently, cuz Eden announced that soon, Kim will just be a super thirsty ghost that falls down a lot.

Kyle will only shoot scenes involving her money, her husband’s job or Kim. Shaking up the bag. HER HUSBAND’S JOB! What’d I win?

They’re trying to offload the mega mall mansion that some loser ran out of credit to build in Malibu. Kyle knows lots of hangers on and people who live off massive loans, so I doubt there will be a sale of this shitshow of a house. Still, it’s an excuse to throw a party she doesn’t have to pay an army of gays to clean up after tomorrow. Polluting the ocean is a massive trend right now, and Kyle’s nothing if not trendy.

She won’t have her regular Fatburger truck at this thing. You know cuz her party planner has become a living Fatburger truck and Kyle it too cheap to pay for two.

People are always asking when her White People Party is, because it’s tough living in a town where everything is so damn integrated. She wanted to change it up this year because Mauri’s fucked if he doesn’t sell this place and minorities don’t drive to Malibu anyway. This year, the theme will be Great Gatsby. Oh, poor sad Kyle. You know that book didn’t end well, right? That fucker was full of shit and ended up dead.

Have fun!

Kyle calls Vanderpump in France and tells her that she HAS to come to this party. Vanderpump needs convincing. Just tell her you’re gonna be on Eileen’s side. She’ll ride Ken piggyback all the way there if there are no flights.

As we’ve learned from Rinna in the past, Harry Hamlin can do anything. He can build dollar stores, wrestle unicorns, rub his tummy while patting his head, birth sows, plug holes in sprinkler lines, speak a tad of thirty languages, word jumbles, fluff eggs a la francais, delve into political discussions, wax backs, etc. Today’s special resume skill is pie making.

“HE ONCE HAD A PIE OFF WITH CYNDI CRAWFORD, BABY!” The thought of two thin modelish types fighting over whose pie is better doesn’t compute in my pie soaked brain. Who the hell even tasted either pie as a judge? Fucking no one, that’s who. You don’t look like Cyndi Crawford or Harry Hamlin by eating pies. Dry ass cracker crust with no sugar. TRUST.

I’m so mad about pies right now.

Rinna offers to help Harry. “Can I get you something? Support you in any way? Make you feel like the incredible suped up genius man of the world that you are HARRY HAMLIN?! What can I do? I’ll do anything! Give you children! I already did that (car that needs new belt reversing laugh) but I can give you more! If I can’t have them myself I’ll inject one of the kids with Isaac Mizrahi sperm while they sleep. Do you need a towel? An award? A HUG FOR YOUR HEART TELL ME WHAT I CAN DOOOOOOOO.”

He’s like erm, find a rolling pin.

“What’s that? We don’t have one of those. The one thing you need I don’t have! LORENA DO WE HAVE A BOWLING PIN oh Harry anything else anything else anything at all. I have a tennis ball. Different sport but it might make the pie good. The dogs love ‘em. Can’t keep em in stock!”

Uh ok. Then how bout some flour?

“IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?! Just divorce me now Harry Hamlin you married a flourless woman with no hope of ever scoring a turkey!”

The maid comes in and saves the day with a rolling pin and some pre Days of Our Lives flour she found hidden in Lisa’s “Don’t Ever Speak of This Again” Time Capsule box buried under the garage.

Harry checks his iCal and texts his agent to book him anywhere immediately so he can recover from the trauma of being in a kitchen that doesn’t stock the tools he needs on days he’s pretending to be a master chef. “Is there I can do for you my amazing fantastic talented hero of human being husband FOREVER TIL DEATH DO US PART IF YOU LEAVE ME I’LL MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY?” Train screeching to a stop laugh. He closes the oven door and tries to get the hell away from her by going outside to start the grill for today’s barbecue.

Bethenny Frankel Get Restraining Order on Ex Jason Hoppy – USA Today

We knew Jason Hoppy was regular nuts based on the dog punishing and not-in-a-bathroom-urinating tales from the proceedings in his divorce with Bethenny, but now it seems he has upgraded to stalking his ex wife and child, harassing Bethenny, and provoking fights. Jason Hoppy is now legally restrained from Bethenny and hopefully will use the time to seek some help and for the love of reality whores get a damn life.

Beyonce Pregnant with Twins! – Us Weekly

[Insert obligatory Destiny’s Grandchildren joke here] Bey is pregs times two. People are going insane and this time not over whether she is actually pregnant, because she announced by giving us some solid proof:

Madam Fancy Pants Will Not Return to RHOC – Yahoo

Heather Dubrow has announced that she has quit the Real Housewives of Orange County and it is totally her choice and we had better believe it missy or she will buy and sell everything we own as long as the bank doesn’t repossess her house first. I can’t imagine that the “door is always open” for her to return as she surely mentioned calling her lawyers at the beginning and end of every shooting day and the poor producers have spent the past five years hiding from her and her hawk like glances with accompanying accusatory pointing fingers. Bon Voyage!

Go for Broke: Johnny Depp Edition – People

Johnny Depp may not be trashing hotel rooms anymore, but he sure seems to be trashing a checking account. A recent lawsuit claims that he spends $2 million per month on his “lifestyle.” Now that we know his lifestyle includes wife-beating, I think it’s safe to say that he has become an all around dumpster fire of a person who will soon be as broke as Nicholas Cage buying an island that doesn’t exist.

Pharrell is a Daddy X 3! – People

Pharrell’s wife gave birth to twins! Yay for happy news! Three tiny humans is impressive.

Hi, Trashies. It’s been a hell of week (more cat surgery), so it feels good to finally sit down and start snarking on people making idiots out of themselves on national TV. As seems to be the norm these days, we’re going to start off with the second half of a confrontation and then go right into the rose ceremony. The fight between Corinne and Taylor can be summed up by saying Corinne is an idiot and Taylor likes to be the smartest person in the room. There’s also something about Taylor not going out of her way to say hello to everyone and she might not be here for the right reasons.

I’m as confused as Taylor is.

Is it really that terrible to not say hello to people you live with every time you walk into a room? When I was in college, I lived in an apartment with four other women. We definitely would sometimes walk through the apartment without saying hello. It didn’t mean that we hated each other or weren’t friends. It just mean that a greeting wasn’t necessary just because we happened to pass by one another. Did that somehow make us fake? Corinne seems really manipulative.

And now Corinne has to talk to Nick about all of it. She somehow makes this all about Taylor not being liked by the other girls in the house. Has anyone else said this at all? We’ve just heard them talking about Corinne and how much they’re annoyed with her.

Yep. All the other women hate her.

OK, who has roses. Kristina, Raven, and Danielle L., I believe. The rest of the ladies staying are:

Whitney (who?)
Danielle M.
Jasmine
Rachel
Jaimie
Josephine
Vanessa
Alexis (YAY!)
Corinne
Taylor

So, that’s it for Sarah and Astrid. Astrid seems to take it OK, but Sarah goes into the whole, “When will I find love?” rant. You’ll find “love” on Paradise, Sarah. Don’t worry. Maybe you’ll even get a short-lived engagement. Anyway, Nick announces that they’re all going to to New Orleans and Corinne continues to bitch about the whole thing.

OK, here’s my Corinne rant. I am so fucking sick of this style of villain. Just like last season with Chad, we’re spending more time on Corinne than we are on the lead. It’s just getting annoying. Villains are so much better when we just see them a little bit. I’d much rather watch someone like Olivia. As much as I snarked on her, she didn’t really do anything that bad. She was aggressive when it came to getting time with Ben (which I still maintain is the entire point of the show) and said a few careless things here and there. I know this show has long since stopped being about falling in love and getting married, but I’d so much rather watch a lead make connections with the contestants. I enjoyed watching Kaitlyn and Shawn fall in love. It was great watching how Chris Soules seemed to be genuinely into Whitney from their first one-on-one going forward. Hell, even Juan Pablo was super into Sharleen (and then settled for Nikki after his first choice left). In short, there’s no reason we should be seeing more of Corinne than we are of Nick. Also, you can tell she’s trying so damn hard to be the villain and the most talked about woman of the season. It’s working, but it’s so damn annoying. I’m over it already.

And now for a cute animal break:

Here’s my cat sleeping in her cone of shame.

Nick and his harem arrive in New Orleans (a perfect place to fall in love). It’s Jaimie’s home town, so that means she’ll be going home this week since it means the producers can save on her airfare. Chris Harrison arrives at the hotel and lets the ladies know that there will be three dates this week: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one (gee, I wonder if Taylor and Corinne will be picked for that). The first date card is for Rachel. She leaves and it’s just the usual “walk around the city” date.

And we get some awesome shots of Nick eating a beignet. 

In all honestly, I really like Rachel. She and Nick seem to have great chemistry, but I want her to come in like third or fourth so she can be the next Bachelorette. I’d be OK with that. I’d watch the hell out of her show. Or she could fill the vacant SCOTUS seat. I’d be OK with that.

Of course they dance right past the hotel where the other ladies are watching.

The daytime portion of the date ends with Nick and Rachel watching a concert performed by someone no one has ever heard of before (Lolo, I believe they said). Later that evening, the two don’t eat dinner and just talk about relationships and what Nick should call Rachel’s father (who is a federal judge). Is this a hint that she’s getting a hometown date? It all ends with a rose, Nick telling Rachel that he’s super into her, and making out.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives for Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimie, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. Shocking. That means Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one date. The group date is a trip to a haunted house. I would love to go on a date like this. Whether you believe in ghosts or not, a lot of these types of places are fascinating just from a history stand point. I recently did a ghost tour of my own city and it was really interesting just to learn all about the town’s past.

The caretaker is no Jorge!

The caretaker gives a brief history of the house, warns the ladies about Mae’s (the ghost) doll, but they touch it anyway. After that, they just walk around, drink, and play with a Ouija board. It’s a whole lot like an episode of Ghost Adventures (a show I like to call Ghost Bros).

Because the date is kind of stupid, we cut back to the house where Taylor and Corinne are preparing for their date the next day. Taylor enjoys some meditating while Corinne…

…eats cheese pasta.

We see a few minutes of the date (and find out that Danielle has the same vocabular as Amanda – “LIKE” IS NOT A COMMA!!!), but back at the house, the producers clearly forced Rachel to talk to both Taylor and Corinne about their feelings before the date card arrives.

On the date, Vanessa and Danielle M. are asking Mae questions. Their candles flicker, but they never assigned any meaning to that, so they can’t really figure out what the answers are. Danielle then talks to Nick about…something? I have no idea. They just end up making out. After that, Raven drops the L-word entirely too soon! In the end, Danielle M. gets the rose for…reasons, I guess. I’m not seeing it with those two at all.

So, let’s get to the two-on-one date. It hasn’t even started and I’m so over Corinne. Seriously? “Make America Corinne Again”? Ugh. The original version of that slogan is bad enough. Anyway, they get in a boat and head deep into the bayou. Taylor starts to annoy me with talk of her masters degree. A degree and being a manipulative bitch aren’t mutually exclusive, Taylor.

Dump both the ladies and pick the voodoo priestess, Nick.

Separately, each lady gets a tarot card reading. The priestess gives Taylor some advice that would have been helpful way earlier – don’t engage with negative energy. While that reading is going on, Corinne is telling Nick that Taylor has been bullying her and verbally attached her prior to the rose ceremony. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that Corinne was the one who started that whole thing. Oh, and of course Corinne uses her time with the priestess to ask how to make a Taylor voodoo doll.

There’s no point in drawing this out. No one is shocked that Corinne gets the rose, right? Is Taylor getting left with the voodoo group better or worse than getting left on an island or in the Badlands?

Probably better than hanging out with Corinne.

Corinne and Nick go off to not eat dinner. I guess it’s going to be a thing now that the loser of the two on one date comes back to confront the lead. The last thing we see is Taylor busting in on the date to talk to Nick about Corinne. Of course it’s another “to be continued” episode because that’s how this show goes now.

So, there you have it, Trashies. Are you as ready as I am for Corinne to get the hell out of here? Once again, Alexis is an absolute delight in the credits. It’s a shame these two obviously only have a friendship chemistry.

Please be my friend, Alexis!

Anyway, if you want to rant about Corinne too, sound off in the comments! Until next week, Trashies.

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Greetings, Royal Trashies! Here we are already, at episode 8 — whoa, that was quick! This week we get to enjoy three dream dates, only one of them isn’t a date, it’s a Jellicle date.

We open with Liam, out for a run. He sees that some #KingLiam graffiti has been covered up with “Save the tigers”. It’s time for the London Zoo’s annual Naked Tiger Run, which is much more important than Liam, as he can painfully see. The tiger run is a real thing, otherwise known as “Streaking for Tigers”. It turns out a group of tigers is called a ‘streak’, so naturally, The People must do so. You know those People, any excuse to take their clothes off.

“Tigers, tigers, tigers!”

Leni wakes up and checks her phone. Nothing from Jasper! She opens her bedroom door, and there is Rosie, who jumps up and starts jabbering about her sneakers. She says they make her feels like she coaches a women’s basketball team, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Then she notices, “I really suck at this, don’t I?” Le says, “Yeah, so far you really do.”

She tells Rosie her shoes are actually good for today, but she’s a tad overdressed, as they’re going to a naked tiger run. Rosie has never heard of that, because she’s been too busy slinging brewskies and learning swear words. She is shocked.

Here is the actual Streak for Tigers –

Here’s some money, make it stop

Elsewhere in the palace, Spencer approaches the Queen’s bedroom door only to see the Royal Glam Squad just hanging around in the hall, chewing gum and throwing spitballs. “I assume Her Majesty hasn’t yet called?” he asks. “No sir,” they say. He barges in and finds her bedroom empty! Turns out she’s in Paris, on a boat with Jack Parker.

“Enjoying the view?” asks Jack. She replies, “It’s lovely.” Jack gazes at her, in that smarmy way he has, and says, “It certainly is.”

“Whoa Queenie, looks like Little Jack likes you too!”

…

Angie comes out with a shirt. “Who’s shirt is this, Robert’s?” Kathryn says it’s Liam’s. Angie laughs, “You are such a slut.” Kathryn says she spilled something on it and had to wash it to get it clean. “That’s my move,” says Angie. “Though I normally go for the trousers.”

Kathryn says it wasn’t a move. She doesn’t need moves, thank you very much; her fragrant Golden Hoo-ha attracts princes like flies. Angie says she’s being selfish — two princes! Kathryn says it’s just one, and she’s going crazy waiting for Robert to find his brother’s shirt or make up his mind.

Angie grabs the shirt, and laughs, “I’m going to go find Prince Liam and make him try it on, like Cinderella!” Kathryn chases her as they laugh and tear through the room.

“You ho-bag!” II “My Hoo-ha EARNED that shirt, bitch!”

…

Meanwhile, back at the palace, King Cyrus has another healer in his quarters, this one with a crow on his head.  He tells Cyrus, “Visualize a healthy, healed you.” Then he instructs him to fetch four ‘offerings’, to fill the four corners of the spirit world: the symbolic representation of his heart’s desire, a crystal bathed in the light of the full moon, the blood of a powerful predator, and £65000, preferably in cash.

“And call the Crow Removal Service, while you’re at it”

“If you cure my cancer, I’ll pay you in pooka shells and patchouli oil, you fine, feathered freak!” says Cyrus enthusiastically, and off he goes to collect the offerings.

…

Elsewhere, in some well-located flat somewhere in London, Harper Day awakes to find Jasper sitting in her bedroom. He’s helped himself to a cup of Joe, and informs her she’s out of milk. Then he says he knows all about her.

“I’m not ashamed of my past,” says Harper. Jasper says, “Oh, so you told Brady all about it. Cute kid. How old is he now, eight?” She threatens to call the police, but he threatens to expose her sordid past, which included running drugs for a low-rent sheik. “Or better put, that in the grand scheme of things, having the drugs inside of you was more palatable than having the sheik inside of you, which is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Can we not talk about my rectum right now?”

He tells her she’s going to bury the story about his past, and in exchange, he will give her something juicy to write about.  As he walks towards the door, she calls out, “Hey. Why would you help me?” Jasper says, “Sometimes I wish I could just go back and wipe my past, start over. If I can’t have that chance, maybe you can. So take it.”

…

Animal Planet – Are You Ready for Some Fluffball?

Put your order for kegs and wings in now, bitches, because the Puppy Bowl is THIS SUNDAY. If you’ve been slacking off this season, you can check out the full lineup here. Puppy Bowl, which gives you an excuse to start pregaming for the Super Bowl three hours early, starts at 3 pm EST on Sunday. My money’s on this lil’ dark horse, Lucky.

I bet she’s a kicker.

People – Remember Lea Michele?

She was that obnoxiously energetic Jewish girl with the big teeth from Glee that bounced around school halls singing Barbara Streisand songs and stuff. Then Glee, like all Ryan Murphy specimens, shriveled up and dried in a Petri dish and everything got sad and Lea Michele stuck to being sad about her late exboyfriend (which is sad, don’t get me wrong) and looking elegantly stoic on red carpets. Well folks, she slapped on some rouge and is over the mourning phase! After god knows how many exclusives with magazines about living and growing and stuff, here she is, making her own albums, rooting for the Patriots, and writing this love note to her hero, a Rainbow Brite Color Kid named Taylor Swift:

Dear Tay Tay,

Can I call u Tay Tay? I feel lyk were close enuff that I can. LOL! Sry I’m so random!!! Jus wondering f u wanted to come ova 2 my house 2 watch Scandal nxt week. I have wine! OMG. Also we can make cookiezzz! NOM haha. Srsly would luv 2 have u. We can drink wine! I bought a fuzzy skirt 2 wear.

Luv Lea

PS please let me be n ur GIrl Group I sing good

Instagram – Pictured: Single Mom, Doing Her Best

What does recording superstar and boustier enthusiast Mariah Carey do when she’s not lounging horizontally on a settee with a glass of pink Dom? Work out, of course. If you’re looking for some late “New Year, New Me” motivation I strongly encourage you to check out MiMi’s (surprisingly buoyant) gym pics here and here.

E! – Breaking: Average Couple Goes on Average Date in London, Enjoys Average Company of Average One Another

Here’s an article by E! about Prince Harry being “Photographed” on a date with Moaning Myrtle slash Meghan Markle in London. This article by E! includes 11 paragraphs, 2 embedded videos, and 0(zero point zero) photographs. So good job, internet. You really know what you’re doing nowadays.

Just Jared – I am Trying So Hard Not to Make a Holocaust Joke Right Now.

Which is exactly the sort of sentiment I think the producers of the 50 Shades franchise want me to have. Anyway, here are our two smoking hot leads, buzzing with chemistry and clearly very happy to be here. They hope you like their titillating new sex romp, 50 Shades Darker: Because This Time We Turned Off the Bathroom Light.

Anyway, have a super sexy weekend, you gross freaky pervs! I love you.

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There are two questions weighing heavily on America this week: how much will the Falcons beat the Patriots by, and will the lovelorn, drink-fueled cast of Are You The One confirm any matches. Lets find out the answer to number two right now, shall we?

Don’t forget to grab a drink – and no, I don’t care what time of day it is.

The episode starts with everyone in a jubilant mood since they managed to get four matches. Well, almost everyone. Osvaldo thinks Tyranny both could and could not be his perfect match.

I’m not sure THAT’S it.

Tyranny and Osvaldo have a weird conversation where he’s like “I would never tell a girl to stop, so you need to tell me to stop”. Tyranny locks eyes with him over her daquiri goblet and says “I would NEVER say stop”, to which Osvaldo replies “Stoooooooop”. I guess he’s concerned Tyranny is going to ravage him tonight, but I say just get in there Osvaldo. Besides, her names Tyranny – you don’t exactly have a choice.

Elsewhere, Gianna is less-than-jubilant as well, since Carolina and Hayden are having a pillow fight and Gianna doesn’t approve.

But why though?

Okay fine, there are lots of people who didn’t leave the match ceremony full of the warm fuzzies.

Life is pain.

Tyler and Taylor have serious conversation #1,000,000 where he says he deserved to get crucified at the match ceremony for being a relentless douchebag (I’m paraphrasing). He negates the apology by whining to the camera about how totally hard it is being pursued by all these girls. Boo hoo. After Taylor tells Tyler that she doesn’t have negative feelings towards him, he decides to dump Shannon and get back with Taylor.

Also, this is Tyler circa 2013. Enjoy.

Gianna decides to have a talk with Hayden concerning Carolina and why she’s human garbage basically and WHY does Gianna keep stringing Hayden along since they’re not matches? What is the end game, because I refuse to believe it’s genuine looking out for his well-being. And then they kissed.

And then…

WHAT IS HAPPENING

Apparently.

Wow. Everyone is mad at Hayden and Gianna for continuing to get down on the down-low when they’re confirmed to be non-matchers. Non-matchees? Not a match. Anyway, on to the next day and challenge time!

Whee!

Are there more puns involved in the game description?

You know it!

This game is called Dizzy For Love, and it’s only played by the guys. They have to spin around on a solo merry-go-round until (you guessed it) dizzy, then run through an obstacle course and down to basketball goals with girls’ names on them and sink a basket. Each guy gets three balls (insert joke about having a doctor look at that here) and the first two guys to land the third ball in a girl’s basket are the ones who win dates. Got it? Good.

Tyler’s strategy is to lay back and spin slow, that way he can just sneak in at the end and toss the third ball in Taylor’s basket to win the date. Edward has a slightly different strategy centered around mostly not puking everywhere.

Good luck.

All the couples you’d except are syncing up, basket-wise: Osvaldo and Tyranny, Edward and Kam, but Hayden has a slightly different strategy now that he’s had a “full taste of Gianna” (ew).

Interesting move.

Somewhat shockingly, Osvaldo sinks his three balls first, ensuring his date and imminent molestation by Tyranny, leaving Derrick and Joey competing to toss the third ball in Kathryn’s basket. Joey wins, and he and Kathryn are both excited for the date and rekindling their connection from the other night.

Perfect Match! Perfect Match!

Ryan announces that the date they have won is a couples’ trapeze camp – I really hope they lay off the alcohol before heading out on that one.

Or not.

Back at the house everyone gets down on some lethal sounding “jungle juice”. I don’t trust super fruity alcoholic punches because there could be Golden Grain in there and you wouldn’t even taste it. Oooh, college flashbacks. Tyranny is super hype that she and Osvaldo won the challenge. She’s betting 100% that they’re a perfect match and will be proven to be so in the Truth Booth tomorrow.

The safe word is there is no safe word.

Elsewhere, there’s trouble in paradise as Edward starts to show interest in Alicia over Kam.

Don’t look, Kam!

Tyler sticks to his (shitty) word of breaking things off with Shannon so that he can so back to banging/matching up with Taylor.

Don’t cry. Also: roman numeral tattoos are so hot right now!

Back to the real action – Tyranny and Osvaldo. They are both slurring about how long it’s been since they’re done the deed:

And then this happens:

This is them. About to bone.

The next day, Kam is oiling up Eddie by the pool because…he needs to get oily before a confessional?

I’ll allow it.

It turns out Kam knows about Eddie’s interest in Alicia, but since this is – after all – a game they’re playing, she’s okay with it. As long as he still picks Kam at the match ceremony.

Menage a Boom Boom Room?

Out on the group date, it’s time for the couples to fly. They’re pretty trepidatious, but what’s the worst that could happen?

Let’s hope not.

Thankfully, no necks were broken, and they all were pretty great at trapeze-ing. Montage!

Hey Trashies! Last week, the gang at SUR roasted Jax and brought up his homosexual past, so this week, we must take our medicine — a little ol’ spoonful of good Christian homo-hate. Come on, you know what’s good for you. Also the Thirsty-Girls finally get their sweet, sweet revenge.

First, some Lala news. Have you heard? The identity of Lala’s married sugar daddy has been tentatively revealed. Word is, it’s Randall Emmett, big-time Hollywood producer of the film Arsenal, starring Nicholas Cage — you know, the one Lala gave good dome for a part in?

Randall is married to actress Ambyr Childers, and together, this loving couple have a 6 year old daughter, London. How could Lala DO such a thing?

“Hey baby, wanna sign my NDA?”

No really, how? Say what you will about Lala, that girl is a true professional.

Okay! Let’s get to it, shall we?

As we open, Lisa has asked Tom and Ariana to help Wesley, the bartender at Villa Blanca, learn how to make SUR and Pump cocktails. First it’s the SUR cocktail, then the Pump n Glory. Wesley does not achieve the deepness of pink of Tom’s version, but not many can lay claim to such a feat. Tom modestly concedes that the cranberries are pinker at SUR.

“Not to brag, or anything”

The subject of James comes up. Sandoval says he’s arranged some hypnotherapy for the little pest, to help control his emotions and keep him off alcohol. He says James is a very different person when he’s not drinking. Lisa agrees.

Wesley says James has always been great at Villa Blanca, they’ve never had an issue with him. Lisa asks, “How many times has he been in here?” Wesley says, “Once.” They all laugh.

“Say no more, dahling!”

…

Now James meets his mother Jacqueline for lunch. Jackie’s face has that shiny, tight, waxen look that’s so popular these days with the summer chickens of L.A. They both order Arnold Palmers (iced tea, lemonade, no alcohol), so they won’t get drunk and start coming on to each other again. Then she asks about his work.

James says, “Let me put it to you this way. A lot of little pieces make a pie.” Mummy guesses, “Lisa’s all pied out?” James replies “I got pied from SUR and Pump.”

Mummy is so disappointed. She asks, “Why?” He says there was yelling. She says, “Oh, everybody’s jealous of you.” He concurs, being as how he’s killing it. But now he has a new residency at the Redbury Hotel, Summer School with James Kennedy — onward and upward! He’s also going to have his first live performance, onstage, rapping! She asks if she can come, and bring James’s new “uncle” with her.

James says things are going really well with Raquel. Jackie says, “I love her. A light shines from inside.” James interviews he’s found the love of his life, the sweetest girl he’s ever met. Then he tells her Kristen has been talking sh*t about him, saying he cheats on Raquel all the time.

Mummy says, “You know what her karma’s going to be? She’s not going to be able to have kids. She’s probably barren. I know it’s a bitchy thing to say, but you know what? That’s probably going to be her karma.” Then she rolls out her slobbery tongue and snatches a morsel of food hovering on her fork nearby.

“Glabbledeeglook”

James interviews that he’s the firstborn spawn of this mentally unhinged troll-woman with sh*t table manners, so it’s only natural she protect him from the women from whom she steals Botox treatments.

“Karma’s gonna slap her in the face, and she’s lucky I never,” says Mummy. “Slorp,” she adds, upchucking the unwanted portion of her lunch back onto her plate.

…

Meanwhile, at Jax and Brit’s, Mama KFC is packing up to go. We get some flashbacks of the roast, and Mama KFC says, “He’s cheated on just about every girlfriend he’s had.” KFC says he’s never cheated on her. Mama asks if she’s sure, and she says she’s pretty sure, since he’s never out of her sight, “Expecially when he’s on the crapper, Maw.”

The only thing to see here is Mama KFC enlisting Brit-Brit to perform a little evangelical conversion therapy on Jax, and that KFC has gained maybe 50 pounds since we last saw her in interview.

“I cain’t stand that li’l homo right now! Maw, pass the taters”

Also, Jax claims he never asks for anything (except sandwiches) — and KFC says she never stops him from doing what he wants to do (except Lala).

All done!

…

Now the groomsmen are getting fitted for their suits. The salesman says they do slim fits. Jax wants a slim fit, but is told he needs an athletic fit, with a support bra underneath.

Schwa will be wearing a custom-tailored suit from his friend George, with a forest-green blazer and black trousers, to go with their “woodsy elegance” theme. The groomsmen will have all black, and a tie to match Schwa’s green suit.

Sandoval asks about tuxes. Schwa says only he will be wearing a tux, so he will stand out. Sandoval asks if he can wear a black vest, and then starts crying when he finds out he can’t.

“B-b-but… I visualized it and everything!”

Schwa says, “Don’t cry, we can get vests!” Sandoval jokes that he’s like Stassi, all he has to do is cry, “The old Stassi, that is.” Ariana takes another stab at Stassi, saying, “I don’t think there’s a difference.”

…

Deadspin – Little Known Boston Underdogs Shock Nation, Win Important Match

Since he’s very close personal friends with the President, and that means he is indeed the second best at everything, including football and having sex with beautiful women, Tom Brady and his New England Patriots won Super Bowl LI last night, delivering a devastating upset over the Atlanta Falcons. It was the first time the Falcons had been to the Super Bowl, and the first time the game slipped into overtime, and still, Brady and those Boston buffoons had to shit all over it. Congrats are in order to Brady, holder of the most Super Bowl rings of any player in history. You’re a shithead, but you’re the greatest shithead to step on a gridiron.

Last night’s game also included some carefully activist ads and what was undeniably the gayest Half Time Show in history. Oh yeah, and we all saw Chrissy Teigen’s nipple.

Page Six – Man, I Dunno. What Is Life Anymore.

Since he’s a fan of dirt and splitting things wide open, I guess it makes a small amount of sense that Julian Assange would be dating Pamela Anderson. But only a very, tiny, teensy amount. Seriously, what do these two talk about? Besides leaky… things? and things leaking? Allegedly Pammie is getting real cozy to some folks in the Kremlin, so I guess that explains it. Because that’s just our reality now. Pam Anderson, pioneering a brave path in Russian-American affairs. And boinkin a lil boy in the Ecuadorean Embassy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Us – This is Sad

Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter Maddie is in “extremely serious condition” after an ATV accident this weekend. Yikes. No snark, just good happy thoughts for this family.

People – Onto Better Celebrity Baby News 

Evangelical soldiers of Christ and aspiring clown car parents Ben and Jessa (Duggar) Seewald welcomed the second of what is sure to be a mighty and awe-inspiring God Army. And good for Jessa! She made another boy, which means she’s added value to the world and confirmed her worth as a breeder. No word yet on what she chose to name this little Blessing from the Lord, but if the kid’s big brother Spurgeon has anything to do with it I’m sure he’ll have a great moniker picked out. Something that’s equally pious and medical-equipment-soundy.

ONTD – And in the Best Celebrity Baby News…

… Nicholas Cage’s son Weston Cage got busted for a DUI yesterday. No doubt riding the high of the Puppy Bowl, dude got hammered around noon, took his car out in the San Fernando Valley, obviously got in an accident, bailed when the police got there, led them on a chase through which he ran over several mail boxes and a street sign, and finished in a stunning display of wrapping his car around a tree.

I’m glad lil Weston is living up to his father’s namesake.

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No matter what our President may do, there is no Executive Order that mandates we cannot gently mock those purchasing a home. Therefore, I promise to always do my due diligence and approve only qualified Senate nominations- and recap House Hunters, albeit slowly.

RECAP:

The Basics:

Tuesday, January 31, 2017: Seeking a Family Home in Philadelphia

The Buyers:

Here comes Cam and Jami. They are a larger couple working to purchase a home to accommodate their shared girth and two children. They are relocating from Tulsa for Cam’s medical residency in ob/gyn. She has a photography business (don’t they all?) and wants a special space, and entrance, just for that. They are looking in my mom’s old stomping grounds of Philadelphia- a city I know and love. This should be fun.

They met at church and are just a wholesome, hard to stomach couple. Cam loves the history of Philly and Jami is looking forward to the arts and shops. Their max budget is about $272K and they want to live in the northern suburbs. He wants a 3/2 colonial with a gas range and she wants a ranch because she hates stairs, though she also wants a basement playroom and an updated interior.

The realtor is on the left. The Tulsa Twosome are in the center and to the right.

Their Agent:

A no-nonsense, grey-haired lady with sensible shoes and a confident tone. She thinks a separate entrance for Jami’s business is not realistic.

The Selection Process:

House 1) A stone colonial built in 1943. 3 bedrooms, 1,5 baths. No garage and listed for $284K. 1800 sq feet. Nice floors, a bright, open floorplan. Jami does not like the brown cabinets but likes the large yard. Though the only full bath is tight, it is redone. The basement is finished with a half bath. The place needs another bathroom but overall it is a nice place. Jami is concerned about running her business out of the house.

House 2) Next is a 3/2, sized under 1800 sq ft and priced at $299.9K. Hardwood floors, a really nice barn-style front-door and an original fireplace. There is a space for Jami’s annoying business with a separate entrance (complete with another barn door). A dining room abuts the kitchen. The realtor calls the backsplash a “marble background” which is odd. The second level has the master with nice closet space and a bedroom for the kids. The basement is unfinished so it is an issue, but there is a garage for either the kid’s’ space or for her business.

House 3) Last up is a 77-year-old colonial, sized at 1600 sq feet and priced at $279.9K. Inside there is a big bay window, a nice fireplace and some built ins next to the transition between the living and dining rooms. The kitchen is oddly shaped and has an electric stove. <sad trombone> A sun room and laundry room off the kitchen could work as a photography space or the kid’s’ area. Outside there is a fenced yard and a brick patio off the house. Upstairs has the guest bedroom, kid’s room and a full bath. It is workable.

What will develop in the hunt for a new home? We will see if what they pick is picture-perfect.

Su-Su-Sussudio!

The Decision:

It comes down to what feels right for the time that Cam learns about the ins and outs of female genitalia. They each settle on House #1. The studio is not perfect but Jami is not too worried. Cam is excited because it needs no updates. They got the price down to $268K and now that they are all moved in, they are super happy.  Good for them. And good for the residents of Philly because Cam is ready to help.

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Hello Trashies this post is much later than I anticipated. I am getting ready to go out of town and my real-life job has been more demanding than usual as I prepare to go out for a week. You know how it is, no one needs anything until they suddenly remember that you are going to be gone and then they are rushing you to get everything set-up for ALL the stuff they are going to do when you are gone then you come back and they haven’t done anything. But I digress, this episode dragged for me and the chefs are clearly showing fatigue. I was bored until the last five minutes when I was full on crying, more about that later.

The chefs come back to the stew room and are relieved to have lived another day. They celebrate Sylva for not only being the last rookie standing but also a winning one at that.

Sylva watch out that man is going to get mediocre all over you

Sylva once again talks about losing his restaurant and going into a deep depression afterward but he feels Top Chef has given him his voice back. Tom pops up out of now where to invite the cheftestants to “meet him at the Wreck,” the next morning. The Chefs are wary especially Shirley and Brooke because as Casey points out the Wreck is a restaurant on the marina and she knows that means fishing. Shirley is nervous because she gets motion sickness (I feel you girl) and Brooke is afraid of boats. For those of you who did not watch Seattle Brooke is handling this boat news WAY better than she did then.

When the chefs walk up to the boat the next day they are meet with a kerchief toting Tom and the burly Sea Captain.

They have the right stuff

Shirley says her stomach is turning before they even step on the boat and thankfully, she brought some medication to settle her stomach. Once out on the water they see dolphins and are stalked by some gulls that are eagerly awaiting their castoffs. The burly captain describes the roe shrimp before the crew gets down to work on separating the catch.

John takes a moment to enjoy some super fresh completely unwashed Carolina shrimp.

Gross

Even Big Daddy gets his hands dirty.

The chefs are relaxing and enjoying the boat trip, they pull up to the dock to see Scar clad in a denim jumper and give the least enthusiastic hello ever.

Hello, chefs it WAS too good to be true that we were just taking you boating

Scar welcomes them back to dry land and right as the chefs put the giant cooler down Scar informs them that it’s time for Quickfire challenge using guess what. BUT this will be a Sudden Death Quickfire and the bottom 3 will compete in a cook off, the chef with the least favorite dish will immediately be eliminated.

The chefs start running around grabbing shrimp and ingredients. John and Casey argue over limes, Sylva had to use his expensive knife to open a can because some PA forgot to bring a can opener and Shirley is feeling crazy from the motion sickness medication she took. The theme of this Quickfire for the chefs is to go in the extreme other direction of everything they have been cooking all season because of the criticisms they have been receiving from Scar. Sheldon gets inspired from his Seattle season and decides to smoke some shrimp over pine branches.

Oh Sheldon not this again

As the chefs are presenting their dishes out front Shirley realizes that everyone’s looks bright and fresh and hers looks like poo.

Yikes

Scar chokes and asks John if he meant for it to be that spicy?

The winner is Sheldon!

The chefs with the least favorite dishes are:

1. Casey, just a little too salty. They are going to drive this woman to the brink with salt.
2. Shirley not sophisticated enough and shrimp was rubbery, it was not up to the standards they expect from her.
3. Sylva, to salty and heavily seasoned

I should be freaking out but I am cotton head right now

The chefs scrounge through the bycatch and both Shirley and Casey settle on squid. I tend to think that it is a red flag when someone else is using the same protein because the judges have something to compare to. Also I am reminded that the other day we went to a steakhouse and got calamari, my son who wants to be the next Jacque Cousteau will no longer eat seafood because he is concerned about over fishing was horrified when my husband made it the tentacles dance for him. Sylva is preparing fish and is only going to sear it on one side. At one point Brooke turns to Sheldon and says Casey’s got this.

Welcome back! The above audiobook is a podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, who cares? Kim walked down the stairs by herself. “Look guyz! Ahm doin’ it! Ahm doin’ it! Even movin’ my levt voot! Tage thad, Daniel Gay Looiz!”

We open with Kyle and Mauricio having a totally normal married couple talk plugging their businesses. Fuckin’ Kyle. Is this betch even making an effort any more? I can’t help but wonder how many requests she’s put in to producers demanding a 1-800 number at the bottom of the screen to order her shit while she’s on camera. Last week she had a party at some overextended rich person’s unfinished mall house that Mauri’s trying to sell. This week she’s planning a girls trip to Mauri’s new offices in Mexico to plug even more shit. But it’s so hard to leave the SITCOM!! Girl please. You’re no Reba.

I refuse to talk any more about this idiot’s solo scenes until she does something other than try and hawk crap on camera, but I have to hand it to her. She’s the best there is at getting camera time for her businesses. Kyle is on a roll. Or is a roll on Kyle?

For a moment I think we’re about to enter my personal Heaven, Ross Dress For Less, but it’s just Villa Rosa.

Schnooky, the Jan Brady of Lisa’s dogs, hides in the closet because it knows Lisa’s having yet another damn pound puppy delivered today.

Vanderpump makes a joke about Schnooky being under her skirt, cuz she’s in the middle of a season of “fucking the animals” jokes and she’s nothing if not consistent. She rolls around on the carpet to love the dog, and it’s hard seeing her in that giant closet without getting jealous that she has a flesh roomba keeping the floor roll aroundable. You pull that shit in my house and you’ll walk out of here a fire hazard.

My queen, Rocio, is standing in front of a wall of purses that each cost more than she did. She’s sad. Not because she could save her entire village if she sold two of those bags, but because Vanderpump is going on a trip and leaving her all alone in a mansion with nothing but tables and tables of jewelery and racks and racks of ballgowns to dress up in. Girl who are you kidding with that frown?

BYEEEEEEEEE!

The evil black swans pop to attention when they sense their spirit animal approaching the bridge: Eden Sassoon Pilates Instructor.

All Hail the New Broken Shelter Pet!

Eden lets herself in, which disproves the theory that she’s a vampire. She walks into Lisa’s closet and shares the “I’m poor too, girl. I see you” look with Rocio. Lisa looks at her without a smile and says “I don’t know why you wanted to see me.” LOL. I understand her caution here. This is Hamster Brandi, and she’s the first woman who’s ever been in that closet without squealing and oohing and ahhing and pooping the floor. Something’s…off. “When she said she wanted to talk to me, my hair stood on end.” Hm. What made your hair stand in the triangular shape in the back all these seasons? I need answers.

I don’t get them. Instead, Lisa walks Eden out onto the balcony for some tea and fruit. That’s all Eden eats, too. I see a friendship forming here and I don’t like it. Eden tries to start off light, which is rare for her. She asks if Lisa had fun at the party the other…Lisa interrupts. “I hope you know why I threatened to shove a Loubitin so far up your ass it would push the Xanax out of your nostrils.”

Eden just stares at her blankly, used to older rich women threatening to sell her to a circus if she doesn’t stop using the f word at the dinner table. Eden says “I wanna go back to the beginning.” Oh shit. That could be right before she popped out of the womb, knowing this woman. If she starts talking about how the OBGYN who delivered her gave her NOTHING, I’m pressing the fast forward button.

Kyle is at her Forever Not 21 Anymore by Alene Mostly store pretending to do things. I know I promised not to write any more about Kyle while she blatantly hawks her terrible products, but I’m a liar.

Rinna comes in the store dropping fifty thousand Amazon Verified Purchase Reviews. “Kyle! Am I in hog heaven or is this a real life store? AMAZING! I was just here yesterday buying something for every season! The sparkle leopard caftan is gonna change my entire world BABY! Is that air conditioning I feel on my cheek or the mist from Heaven as it opens its gates to take me there happy cuz I COULD DIE HAPPY RIGHT NOW! And that party! I mean that GALA! That was fancier than the Met Opera and the Oscars combined!”

Update: Kim Zolciak is NOT as Bad a Mom as You Think- TMZ

Kim’s son wrote in an assignment at school that he loves his dad because his dad let’s him hold his real gun. Kim clarified that while the gun IS real, it is NEVER loaded. Probably. Hopefully.

Sidenote: the person who filled out the assignment seems to think Kroy is 51. (Crossing my fingers that this was a staff-member looking to get back at Kim)

The (lower-level, not that interesting) Bitch is Back – E! Online

Danielle Staub is returning back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. You see, gentle readers, the producers needed to add something of interest to save the dumpster fire that is New Jersey, so they brought in someone who injects her face with things found in a dumpster. Because what better friendship to rekindle than one between a convicted felon who doesn’t believe she has ever done a thing wrong and a woman who tried to bring her own hitman onto the show and then was irritated that the other women didn’t appreciate his presence?

Jamie Lynn Spears’ Daughter is Doing Better After Her ATV Accident – Us Weekly

Thankfully, the eight-year-old, who nearly drowned in the family pond after driving an ATV that she was harnessed into into the water. I am very glad this poor innocent child is doing better and will hopefully make a full recovery. Very glad. I won’t be asking why an 8-year-old was driving something that has killed full grown adult NFL players because I’m sure her parents feel guilty enough and don’t need the extra shaming.

Kourtney Kardashian Rejects Scott Disick’s Proposings of Marriage – Us Weekly

I assume the fact that the he allegedly brought a bang buddy along with on the family vacation and not-so-sneakily had her stay at the resort next door took some magic away from the proposal. I would applaud her for making a sound decision unlike some family members’ marital choices before her, but she did allow him to put like three babies (read as ATM cards) in her first.

Hi, Trashies. Because this show has decided that we want cliffhangers always, we pick up this episode just as Taylor busts in on Nick’s date with Corinne to confront him.

“Something, something, something, emotional intelligence, something, something.”

The conversation doesn’t change anything, Taylor leaves, and Nick goes back to Corinne so they can make out. That pretty much sums it all up. Corinne tells us that tonight she “learned that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two.” I have no idea what that even means. I’m guessing Corinne is probably drunk again.

With that, it’s time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Oh, wait! Nick knows what he’s going to do and the cocktail party is cancelled. Rachel, Corinne, and Danielle M. all have roses. Whitney (who?) tells us that she’d be shocked if she didn’t get a rose. The rest of America is just shocked that there is someone named Whitney on this show. The rest of the ladies staying are:

Kristina
Raven
Vanessa
Danielle L.
Jasmine
Whitney (seriously, who?)

That means Alexis is leaving.

Me right now.

At least she’ll be awesome on Paradise. I hope she and Nick end up being friends. They seem to have a lot of fun together. After the castoffs are gone, Nick announces that the ladies will be heading to St. Thomas!

Everyone arrives on the island (and Raven gives us the obligatory “it’s the perfect place to fall in love”) and checks out the hotel. Nick shows up…

…and he asks Kristina to go on a date with him and his little shorts.

Jasmine is slowly coming unhinged. After Kristina and Nick leave, she spends a good amount of time crying to Danielle L. Thankfully we don’t spend too much time on that because we’re going to hear a little bit about Kristina’s life. She has nine siblings – eight are in the US and her sister is still in Russia. Unfortunately, she can’t talk to her sister very often because her Russian is a bit rusty due to lack of use. That’s all we get for now because it’s time for some straddling in the ocean!

Back at the hotel, Corinne is still complaining about Taylor when there is a knock at the door. It’s a woman named Lorna who clearly is just part of the maid staff for the hotel. But not for Corinne! Corinne decides that Lorna is the new Raquel.

Jorge would never stand for this shit.

Later that evening, Kristina and Nick arrive at a dinner they’re not going to eat. This is where we hear the super sad part of Kristina’s life story. She only lived with her mother who wasn’t around. One day, when Kristina was five or six, her mom told her not to eat for the whole day because she’d be back with some food later. However, Kristina was hungry so she ate some lipstick. When her mom found out she had eaten, she kicked her out of the house. In a few weeks, Kristina was in an orphanage. Her mom never came to visit her at all, but Kristina can’t ask about this because her mother has since died. At sixteen, she would have had to leave the orphanage, but she was adopted by a US family at 12-years-old. I can’t even snark on this. Kristina is a ridiculously strong woman.

Congratulations on softening my hard and sarcastic heart.

Of course Nick gives Kristina the rose. He can’t kick her out after that story.

We cut back to the hotel and a date card arrives for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine. That means Whitney (who?) and Danielle L. are on a two-on-one date.

The next day, the ladies and Nick head to a beach to hang out and play some volleyball for the day. Rachel says, “Nothing could go wrong when you’re on an island like this.”

Someone didn’t watch last season.

At one point during the volleyball game, Corinne (in her drunken glory) walks away to go to sleep but decides to do a shot instead.

Do the editors having no better software than MS Paint to censor her ass?

For some reason, all the ladies get pissed off at this date. Apparently this was supposed to be one of those “winners get more time with Nick” dates, but that got cut out, so this just doesn’t make any sense. It just looks like the ladies are super drunk and hate volleyball a lot. So, let’s go right to the nighttime portion of the date, I guess.

Rachel gets the first one-on-one time and it’s one of those “I’m super out of my element and I need to know how you’re feeling” conversations. We cut away from that because we have to see more of Jasmine’s breakdown. She really likes Nick a lot, but she wants to punch him in the face. She pulls out the “it’s his loss” card. I hate that. If someone doesn’t want to be with you it’s not their loss if they don’t end up with you. It’s literally exactly what they wanted to happen.

And let’s take a quick break from that to talk to Danielle L. …and some other, chick.

So, this is Whitney.

And back to more Jasmine freaking out. She’s definitely veering into Fatal Attraction territory with her “don’t you dare overlook me!”

Someone hide Nick’s bunny quick!

Jasmine finally gets a chance to talk to Nick and it’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve seen on this show in a really long time. She literally says she wants to choke him.

And then she fucking does it!

Then things turn weirdly sexual as Jasmine says she wants to straddle Nick and choke him. The whole time, he’s just looking off camera begging for help. No one is surprised that Jasmine is sent home right now, right? Nick’s “I thought a lot about what you said” is hilarious to me because Jasmine just said it like two minutes ago! Anyway, she goes home and I have no doubt we’ll see her on Paradise. Oh, and we don’t see it happen, but Raven got the group date rose…for reasons, I guess.

Howdy Trashmii! This week, it’s a homoerotic flashback bonanza, yay! Also, we have yet another once-in-a-lifetime bridal event for Katie, and Tom and Jax get their freak on in Lisa’s technicolor Closet of Dreams. Let’s get started, shall we?

We open with Tom and Katie opening RSVPs. So Katie assembled those very expensive crap invites that Tom is required to call “beautiful” (under penalty of drive-away), but neglected to include a request for names on the RSVPs. So instead of names, they keep getting penis drawings in the “Yes!” box.

Woods for the woods

So they have this great system going where they try to guess who’s penis drawing it is, in order to assemble their guest list. Schwa says it’s got to be Jax or Tom. Apparently he can recognize the fellas’ penis drawings. After careful examination, he thinks it’s Tom — at least, he hopes it is.

In comes Kristen. Schwa wants some dirty deets on the club night. Kristen says she doesn’t know, she was just in the peanut gallery. Katie says Scheana texted her last night, all upset. “Scheana got, like mad at me, because I wasn’t like, ‘Mm, tell me more!’ I was kind of like, ‘But why?'”

“You have bigger fish to fry,” says Kristen — indeed, and getting bigger every day. Katie says the Little Bean has been distancing herself, rather than hanging around and taking what’s coming to her — the bitch!

Schwa says they’d better hash it all out before New Orleans. Katie says Ariana better get all her shit sorted out, too. Schwa says, “She’s going to come with the guys, so…” Katie shouts, “No! If someone can’t come with everyone and get along with everyone, then they can’t come!” She says to Tom, “Stassi’s feelings mean more to me than Ariana’s, so maybe Ariana can find it in her heart to apologize to Stassi for being a bitch.”

“I’ll get you for hurting my precious Ariana… just you wait, Bubs”

Over at SUR, Jax and Ariana chat about Sandoval’s new modeling gig. Jax says Tom was delirious to land this gig, because he hasn’t modeled in so many years.

Ariana says she spent the last 30 years hating models, so imagine her surprise to find herself stalking one and bagging him, and landing a TV show in the bargain! Even more surprising, our own Expert Equestrian happens to be a model herself — how crazy is that! Here she is in the Flower Gypsies online catalog:

“Oops, you got me”

“I SO despise myself right now”

Now Jax brings up The Study. He claims nothing went down until James started it. Ariana says, “That is not true!” Up comes Lisa, and Jax bullshits he was just there to support James. Lisa calls him out, and Scheana says, how about they just own up? “We were wrong, it was mean,” she says.

“Of course it’s wrong and it’s mean, but I’m gonna do it anyway,” says Jax. “I just… I don’t like him.”

Tom is stoked. He arrives at the shoot with Schwa. It’s with L.A. Models at Joe Simpson’s house, and Joe happens to be the photographer. (Wha?) Schwa is starstruck, as he was a fan of Newlyweds back in the day. He’s wearing a flamingo headscarf for the occasion.

“I heard Joe likes pastels, bro”

In no time, Tom is got up in some ’80s retro glam sci fi anime gear.

“Killer shirt, man”

Schwa tells Sandoval that Katie sent him out to get an apology from Ariana.

Tom has a conniption fit over how Stassi, Kristen and Katie are proven combative persons, whereas Ariana is a super-cool, peace-loving chick, who’s totally chill until someone tells her whom she can and can’t be friends with. Schwa begs Sandoval not to blow up his shit with Katie, so Sandoval promises to maybe suggest she be a bit more polite.

Time for the shoot. Joe tells Tom, “Stomach in, d*ck out,” — (lol!) — and the prancing and clicking begin!

Schwa feels a little bashful and covers his eyes, but Sandoval asks him to watch. He interviews, “Some people believe that when their picture is taken, it steals a piece of their soul. When I get my photo taken, I feel like it’s giving my soul life!”

“Quick! back to the ’80s!”

“Hurry man, we saved you some hair gel!”

…

It’s with a heavy heart that I toast you cheers, my little Trash Darlings. For here we are, gathered round the table for a final go with the Licentious Ladies of London. Will you miss them as much as I will?

That’s a rhetorical question. Much as I love these limey slags, having four hours a week back when I don’t have to recap make believe social wars will be bliss. But that hour on Tuesday nights will be achingly empty.

(just kidding I’m gunna drink wine and read filthy books)

I tell you what I will miss: your wonderful company. Your cheery presence. Your scathingly accurate comments, dripping with wit and sarcasm. I’ll miss Thursday mornings in my cubicle, reading your pithy TrashTalk words. But most of all, I’ll miss your loyalty. Loyalty is, after all, the most important attribute in a friend. That solid oath that a fellow woman would lay down her life for you. That romantic promise that Juliet’s made to take a bullet for Stan, for example. This episode, like this season in general, was all about nothing at all loyalty. It also tied up the loose ends to stories that bore no real weight but were fun to laugh at nonetheless. So let’s get into it!

Oh! But first, to catch up (sorry, last week I was on hiatus dealing with a work crisis and all my hair fell out): Previously On… Flem had a Midsummer’s party and I wanted to scream the whole time, because there were so many MONEY screenshots that I almost considered just doing a recap with zero words and about 50,000 shots of Flem wearing a wreath of flowers and gossamer gown, gazing into the sky as she cradled dick bread and slabs of smoked herring in her delicate, feminine hands. It was, in a word, a REVELATION (all caps REVELATION). Also, Adela and Sophie and Stan got in a fight about something and I don’t remember why or what for. Julie continued to try to make her grudge with Stan a thing, but it’s not a thing, and we pretty much ended the season without giving Julie’s battle cry (“Caroline Stanbury Is Jealous of My Title!”) any volume. Phew! So, on with the star of our show, our overthrown sovereign, Stan.

Now that Stan has escaped the hassle of hassle-free living, she’s holed up in a £3,000-per-night penthouse at the Westbury, where the absence of all her children and husband and obscenely large estate are leaving her feeling… well, still busy. Fortunately for her she’s got two butlers to tend to her every need, one of which is this poor soul, Luigi:

I have a hard time believing he’s a “butler” when he’s got a brassy W pin gleaming on his lapel.

As we open, Stan is standing in the middle of a vestibule-turned-walk-in-closet, demanding that Luigi color coordinate her shoes, put more ice in her green juice, replace the new flowers in the room with newer flowers, and have her pillows and towels monogrammed. All this, and it’s only 1:55 pm (to Stan, that’s like 7:30 in the morning). Once Luigi has buzzed off with a rack of gowns over his shoulder and six pairs of stilettos in his right hand, Stan gets on the horn with her assistant, Megan, to order a) some more extensions to plant into her cold unfeeling head, and b) a hasty leaving party (or as Stan calls it, “A Good Bye and Fuck You” party). God bless Megan, who has miraculously worked out the sort of rapport with Stan where she can say this in response and not get fired:

PS: what in god’s name does this tattoo mean?

The party’s still sort of a “maybe” at this point, though, which I realize once Stan calls her husband Cem to tell him that she’s never leaving this place where people wait on her hand and foot. She’s moved in for good and repurposed it the Stanbury Museum of Natural Birkins.

Over at Marissa’s, it’s business as usual as Patricia Nanny is taking full responsibility of Marissa’s children while Marissa smiles and mopes simultaneously at her husband in the kitchen, doing nothing constructive whatsoever.

Matt is a “full 100%” on moving to LA at this point and, finding naught the energy to fight him on it, Marissa finally gives in. Fine, she says. It’s at last your turn to live in a country where you’re the hot commodity – with your British accent and your charming manners – and I’ll leave this land that I had been dreaming about since high school, where my American spunk and blond hair get all the boys who must think I’m fast and loose. To Marissa, she is the January Jones that Colin found in Love Actually, and every British man is the Colin (but with Hugh Grant’s good looks).

But the idea of moving isn’t so bad, actually. Mostly because Matt’s marching orders have given Marissa the opportunity to whine about HER ALMOST DEAD BABY some more as she uses her never ending TRAUMA to explain how she’s learned that she can get through anything.

I have learned that if I could stomach a season full of Marissa, so can I.

Hello my loves,

I’m excited to get into this week’s recap. I’m back to enjoying the show again which always makes the recaps easier to write. I just need to stop taking 10+ pages of notes every week. But you don’t come here for timely updates on what happened each episode, do you? Of course not, no one’s actually watching this. You’re here for my amazing ha ha jokes. And the drinking game. Here are the rules for episode four.

DRINK when someone yells “Liar!”

DRINK when you see Langwidere wearing a new mask

DRINK when someone brings up tea, guns, or bullets

DRINK when a scene ends on a close up of the Wizard not having an answer

DRINK when Dorothy gets someone killed

And if you’re feeling particularly reckless here’s an extra rule… DRINK whenever someone says “Mistress.” And make sure you’ve got someone with you who could possibly drive you to the emergency room.

To begin this week’s adventure, everyone’s in Emerald City. They’re celebrating something called the “Festival of the Beast” according to banner some peasants hang up during their “running away and screaming” break. There’s an artsy fartsy sequence where Ojo leads Dorothy on horseback and then on foot through Emerald City and into Wicked West’s brothel. What makes it artsy fartsy? Well, of course she’s got a little burlap sack over her head and the camera sometimes switches to her perspective through the cloth. Ooh… no one’s ever done that before. Dorothy is thrown into a dungeon room and when the bag is removed, West appears to ask her “So… are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

Also entering Emerald City is a carriage conveying Tin Man Jack, Princess Langwidere, and August, the King of Ev. DRINK for Langiwedere’s new mask. You can already tell the episode’s going to be better because the costumes aren’t as shitty as they were last week. This scene is just here to serve as some exposition, especially if you missed last week’s episode. The King says the Wizard had outdone himself on the festival and accuses Langwidere of cynicism when she says it’s because the Wizard wants something. Also, she snarks that “cynicism is just an unpleasant way of telling the truth” which is 100% something you’d see posted from someecards.com or on a vintage-inspired poster of a woman drinking wine. So, you know, real clever. The King doesn’t remember meeting Jack back the castle which makes you wonder how long he thinks he’s been riding in his carriage with a random stranger. Langwidere cuts in to say that Jack is her “property. He’s indentured to me for the cost of his metal.” The King laughs and responds “oh, how sweet.” I’m not sure if this is an indictment of the callousness of the aristocracy or if the King is just an idiot. Let’s keep an eye on this. And then for no good reason, the carriage hits a rock so Jack’s mechanical hand can fly off and Langwidere can say “you know, you really ought to keep your hands to yourself.” Of course, because this is Emerald City, even though it sounds like a joke, that’s not how the actors deliver it.

We will never learn how Jack managed to reattach his hand because everyone is just being drawn back to Emerald City this episode. I thought this was going to be the week when I wrote out each distinct plotline, editors be damned, but it’s harder when everyone’s actually in the same place. I’m sure we’ll still get our terrible quick cuts though. Can’t do without those. Anyway… guess who’s home? It’s Eamonn! What? Not Jon Snow. The captain of the Wizard’s Guard. Dorothy shot him last episode? I know he hasn’t been doing much until now but I think he’s going to be an important character so try and remember him. Eamonn walks in and his daughter Indra gives him a big hug. His face breaks into a genuine smile and it’s kind of sweet. There are so few genuinely nice moments on this show.

Eamonn tells Indra that he “broughtan old friend with me.” Lucas enters carrying Sylvie (what, are her legs broken?) and Indra is taken aback to see “Ro.” But she doesn’t get a chance to ask questions because Eamonn tells her to get Sylvie some food. Could there be a Lucas/Dorothy/Indra love triangle in our future? Lucas puts the little whisper freak down and tells her that it’s okay, he promises they’ll find Dorothy soon. I’m not sure why he bothers because A) Sylvie has shown no sign of caring about Dorothy. She’s completely obsessed with Lucas. and B) Sylvie’s ears are blocked with those shells that presumably block out sound so there’s no point in speaking to her. At least not without some kind of miming.

TMZ – I Don’t Know How to Feel About This

It must be a cold day in hell, because perky, felonious pasta fagioli Teresa Giudice has finally paid off one of her many exorbitant bills. Now that her $414,588 restitution fine has been paid off, she also won’t have her wages garnished – which is probably a rare comfort as she embarks on a season of filming with the one and only Danielle Muthafuckin Staub. While we’re all really proud of Teets for finally understanding the concept of how money works, she’s not completely off the hook. She still owes the IRS over $20K (which isn’t even to speak of the $230 grand her olive oil ogre – now serving a 41-stint in prison – owes), and I’m sure that with Danielle sharing the same room in filming scenes she’ll rack up plenty more legal bills.

Nevertheless, way to go, Tre! Dinner’s on you tonight. Fabulicious!

Page Six – Well, That Was Fun

The Museum of the Moving Image has already decided to dismantle He Will Not Divide Us, the four-year political art project dreamed up by a ragtag team headed Shia LaBeouf, serious thinker and beard haver. He Will Not Divide Us, a live stream of people “protesting” in an alley outside the museum, was installed on Inauguration Day and meant to run for the next four years. But because this is New York, and humans are humans, and water is wet, obviously the project turned into a violent shitshow that is just.not.worth.the effort, Shia. So duh, of course we’re going to take your little camera away. If you want to do something proactive, be a big boy and call your legislator. Or donate your millions of dollars to something proactive. Don’t invite teenagers to come beat each other up and piss on a wall for the whole internet to see. Criminy, Shia.

Just Jared – Here’s the Whitest Game of Never Have I Ever I’ve Ever Seen

… whitest, and thus most boring.

Jezebel – That Sound You Just Heard Was the Hulk Version of Taylor Swift Smashing Something

Katy Perry, a sex doll made entirely of candy and Trapper Keepers from the 90s, has just released a new single called “Chained to the Rhythm.” You can listen to it on Spotify. Yep, all of you. Except you, Taylor. You can sit at home and eat shit and die.

LUV YA!

E! – Lena Dunham, Why You Gotta Go and Upset Your Gramma Like That

To promote the new and final season of her graphic STD after-school special Girls, Lena Dunham showed up on your Aunt Kathy’s favorite morning Klonopin infomercial, The Today Show. In the very outset of her interview, she “threw Maria Shriver off” by saying the word “penis.” Naturally, everyone in the studio had a seizure since anyone who appears on NBC between 7am and 10:30am is a plastic robot with Ken and Barbie-esque crotch plates. Lena just lit a cigarette as the set burned to the ground, giving the middle finger and assuming she wouldn’t be back.

Oh well! Have a peachy weekend, dudes!

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

If you could be on any reality show, what would you pick? Personally, I can’t chop an onion fast enough, I can’t sing, I can’t perform close up street magic, but you know what I can do? I can get blackout drunk and wake up the next day and force myself to exercise. So, for me, it’s always been The Challenge. In a way I’ve been preparing for it for years. However, as time goes on, I fear I missed my window. The older I get, the less I am capable of tolerating inane bullshit and, for the most part, men. And unfortunately, that is 90% of the premiere of The Challenge.

The premise of this season is “Invasion of the Champions.” 18 non winners (some previous participants, some complete newbies) are brought to Thailand and told they’re finally having a chance to play the game without the hardened veterans bullying them out of any control. Little do they know, there are 8 champions back home waiting to crash the party.

Let’s meet the players:

The Underdogs

Corey– probably the most recognizable face of this bunch. He’s been on a several of these recent seasons and performed pretty well while seeming to maintain his cool. Always hooks up with a girl or two.

Ashley– Blessed party girl who got kicked off her season of the Real World for being too wild and aggressive. She definitely likes to start fights but she is hilarious.

Jenna– Don’t snooze on Jenna. They paint her as a dumb blonde because well, she is, but when it comes to endurance she does not quit. She’s been great at the challenges, but she can’t handle the gross food in the finals.

Nicole– A cocky Staten Island cop with a thick accent. Part of the Real World Skeletons Crew. Her girlfriend made her choose between her and The Challenge, she chose reality tv as one should.

Anika– She fell off the boat when she arrived which is all I know about her.

Shane– Man, do you remember Shane? He is from a different era. His husband of 11 years recently left him out of the blue so naturally, back to MTV.

LaToya– Latoya  adopted a dog and bought a house. She’s happy the Thai conditions are conducive to her choice of weave.

Tony– A belligerent asshole of a man. However, he has a daughter, and another on the way (both with women who appeared on Skeletons) so this time around he’s promised not to drink.

Amanda– works at a weed dispensary. Showed up last season with her bitch hat held high, but is maybe taking a more low key approach this season.

Dario– sells real estate in LA, lives on a friend’s couch. Bigheaded for no reason.

Nelson– Apparently thinks The Challenge is the most prestigious and respected event one can participate in. He downloaded puzzle apps in preparation which is a good idea.

Hunter– Another cocky man, big southern accent. He quit school to start a family with his girlfriend… guess how that turned out.

Anthony– Wants to be the next Mike “The Miz” and use this show as a stepping stone to the WWE.

Marie– works in tech sales. Did not workout in preparation for the show.

Bruno– Another Real World Skeletons cast member. He was homeless before he came which he hints is due to his impulsive nature.

Sylvia– Real World Skeleton crew. Easily influenced. She and Shane are the first of the season to get naked.

Kailah– Self-described free spirit. Very in shape, lots of tattoos.

Theo– Talks to himself.  Was a D1 college athlete who lost his scholarship for smoking weed in his dorm.

The Champions

Darrell– Always seems chill until you randomly remember he beat the shit out of Brad. He has a cute family now and he’s been formidable in the challenges in the past.

Ashley– Maaayyybee doesn’t belong on this list. She won on battle of the seasons, but she’s not as immediately recognizable as any of the other champions and when she shows up I’m pretty sure everyone will give a resounding “…her?” Either way now she does cross fit.

Zach– Giant, sexist douche. I hate this guy, but he’s good at the show. He has two exes on this season (Ashley the champion and Jenna) so I hope they give him some hell.

Laurel– She’s always been a great ahtlete, but she is ANNOYING and sometimes cruel. However, I do love to watch her compete.

Johnny Bananas– pretty much the face of the franchise at this point. Famously, he screwed over Sarah last season and robbed her of any prize money. With that money, he bought a house.

Camilla– I’ve always loved her probably because I’m so consistently surprised at how good she is at the competitions. Her goal is to calm down the “Camillinator” but I doubt that lasts once she interacts with her rival, Tony.