TMZ – You Would Think This Guy Learned When to Keep His Mouth Shut
… but no. Hot sewer sandwich peddler and avid child pornography fan Jared Fogle is digging himself an even deeper fucking hole. He’s asked a judge for the minimum sentencing in his case, saying that at least the 16- and 17-year-olds he had sex with were a lot younger than “many victims of this same crime.” Jesus Christ, Jare Bear, just because your VICTIMS were listening to One Direction as opposed to Doc McStuffins sing-a-longs it doesn’t mean that what you did wasn’t deplorable. By the way, this bag of shit encrusted sleaze also hired a doctor in some sort of lame attempt to blame his evilness on a psychosis. This “doctor” diagnosed Jared with “hypersexuality, alcohol abuse/dependence, and weak evidence of erotic preference of a heterosexual pedophilia/hebephilia.” Cool, so, yeah, he’s just a terrible human being.
D-Listed – I’ll Be There For You Except When I’m Not And Then My Stand-In Will Be There For You
Have you guys ever noticed this weird Rachel stand-in from Friends? Jennifer Anniston wtf were you so busy with that you couldn’t be in a scene you were already written into for two seconds? Was it Brad Pitt? Because then I’d understand.
People – Bravo, Your Home For Fake Diseases
Yolanda Foster, an elegant humanoid lemon in clean white pants, is catching flak from her costars, who are beginning to question her very heavily Instagrammed lyme disease. This scrutiny greatly displeases Her Highness Yolanda, Empress of the Citrus Grove, Consort to David Foster, Giver of Life to Gigi, who works very hard to look this modest and humble. So FUCK OFF BITCHES. Someone give Kim a drink let’s see what happens.
Us – Look At This Story That Totally Wasn’t Planted By Jessica Simpson
Hey, remember 2000? eagerly begs Jessica Simpson Us Magazine. Back in 2000, when Jessica Simpson was relevant and people thought low-rise snake skin bell bottoms were cool, Jessica Simpson was considered for the iconic role of Violet, the obnoxious, blandly talented aspiring singer and star of a stupid instructional video about how to be a total douche at a bar. It was called Coyote Ugly, and it was all the rage. Can you believe Jessica Simpson, ultra mega superstar and richest woman in the world, almost played Violet?
Celebitchy – Kanye West Brought His Purse Out To Ballet Class
Isn’t it the MOST?
(tbh tho this is lyk da KYOOTEST)
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