The Previously On feature is just repeated over from last episode, so I’m not going to bore y’all to death any more than is necessary. You can thank me later.
The Browns are packing! Did they finally get kicked out of the giant McMansions they can’t afford? Surprisingly, no. They are going to Alaska because it’s 110 degrees in Las Vegas. Hunter is at Air Force Academy prep school, which I am positive he signed up for on purpose to avoid any kooky family vacations. To compensate for the lack of such a riveting family member (hey, I think Hunter’s cool, but I doubt he makes that much of a difference in a family that big), Logan and Maddie are bringing their significant others with them. Logan’s girlfriend, Michelle, comes from a small family, is already totally overwhelmed by the Browns and is NOT down with this polygamy thing. Maddie is bringing her uncle-boyfriend, Caleb, who is going to Alaska for work.
The eyes tell the whole story. Are all the Brown boys this creepy?
The show does that thing where they interview all the children about how they feel about the trip. It’s probably a time-filler, since there are so many kids just asking them how they feel takes up half the episode. Dayton and Truely say they are excited. The oldest kids look like they are getting ready for a funeral. Garrison is jealous of Solomon, which is foreshadowing for later in this episode.
Truely tries to convince us she’s excited about Alaska.
Robyn asks Solomon, her toddler, what she thinks the baby is going to be. He predicts she is having a girl, for all that he understands. Robyn and Kody head for an ultrasound. The baby is due in January. When the ultrasound technician hints at hiding the sex of the baby from Robyn, she says she wants to know it RIGHT NOW. Kody thinks he’s the baby sex whisperer, since he guessed Truely and Solomon correctly. Because this is the only thing keeping anyone remotely interested in this episode, they are not going to reveal what she’s having until the last second. As I write this recap, my vote is for xenomorph. We’ll see if I am right in a minute.
Bitch, I will cut you if you don’t tell me what I am having!
The Browns arrive in Anchorage and drive up 40 miles to the cabin they rented. It’s big enough for 3 families. Michelle, Logan’s girlfriend, looks shell-shocked. Logan is worried about her chances of survival by the end of two weeks. There’s a creek behind the house, and Aspyn and Mariah say they want to go skinny-dipping later. I’m going to have to scrub my brain of that image after this.
They’ve been here for less than 10 minutes and Mariah’s already trying to throw herself off the balcony.
The family’s getting settled in, when Solomon (have I mentioned he’s a toddler?) raises a fist at Gwendolyn like he’s going to hit her. He’s three feet away and there was no chance of his tiny fist even coming close to her, but everyone gets all stressed out. Garrison interferes by… grumbling about it, and Janelle is on him immediately. Solomon is crying in Meri’s arms. Janelle lectures Garrison about trying to parent someone else’s kid. She tells him to chill. Garrison is worried about Solomon growing up to be a little narcissistic brat. My reactions: 1) Garrison has a better vocabulary than I expected, and 2) Solomon was doomed to this from the beginning, being Queen Robyn and Kody’s first real baby. I mean, sharing Robyn AND Kody’s DNA means he has narcissism and brattiness running in his veins.
Guys, I’m so worried about Gwendolyn getting hit by Solomon right now.
Kody steps in, saying he is the parent, and he will decide what needs to be done. Garrison says Solomon doesn’t need to be comforted when he acts out. Kody gets pissed, and says Garrison is out of line, and not to correct him when it comes to parenting. Garrison responds that he’s just advising. He tells the cameraman that it pissed him off that his dad kicked him out of the conversation, being all-wise and all-powerful dad. How long have you been in this family, Garrison? How is this the first time you have come to this realization? Follow in Logan and Hunter’s footsteps and get out as fast as you can, bro! Kody gets all smug about the interaction with is teenage son. Who’s the child now, Garrison?
Can we take a minute to focus on how this affects me right now?
The Browns are going out for breakfast then shopping, and Meri expresses the vain hope that they are possibly going with just the wives. Nope, the whole family is there, taking up all the space in Anchorage. Maddie jokes about how Michelle takes her coffee darker than Logan. She wins me over instantly by responding, “I like my coffee like my soul, black.” I would, however, like to note that she is not taking her coffee black. Garrison makes a stupid joke, followed closely in his heels by Logan.
Does being sorta Mormon mean they don’t know what black coffee really looks like?
Caleb is coming to Alaska soon, and Maddie worries that he’s going to want to move there. Janelle is excited about Caleb coming, but she says he and Maddie are opposites. Kody put his worried expression on and says that he has the feeling that he’s going to ask for Maddie’s hand in Alaska. The entire family is going to the grocery store, for reasons, I guess. Kody and the wives say it’s never happened before as a whole family, and I can’t imagine why. The show indulges them by playing ominous music. They are trying to do the math on how much food they need, and Kody gets it laughably wrong (24 people x 24 meals? Are you making individual meals every day?)
Yup, he definitely looks like her uncle.
The wives and their kids have been assigned to different sections of the meals. For a family that goes on as many trips as they do, you would think this aspect of meal planning wouldn’t be so difficult. Maddie says, “Don’t go to the grocery store, if you do decide to have 17 kids.” They are buying the most expensive versions of everything. Lots of pre-sliced, pre-prepared, or small-portioned items. We see Meri grabbing individual bottles of Fiji water, rather than getting water by the gallon or from a big pallet. No wonder this is so difficult for them. It’s called Costco, people! The wives try to guess how much it’s all going to be. Too much. $3,000 for 2 weeks. There is no way that is necessary.
I wonder how they ended up spending $3,000?
The kids say they really like being around the entire family like this. Classic Stockholm Syndrome. They are getting ready to head out, and Robyn says, “I’m obsessed with gold. I love gold. I seriously love it.” That’s nice, Robyn. Would you call yourself a goldDIGGER? (HEYO!) The family is going panning for gold, if that wasn’t enough of a hint. Apparently they are the number 1 destination in South Central Alaska for weddings. Unsurprising. Where else would the good people of South Central Alaska go, amirite? Christine draws a bizarre conclusion from the fact the fact that the old houses are so close together. She says that they used to live in plural families. Uh, no. People just lived closer to their extended families because they were in the middle of fucking nowhere and they needed to do that to survive. Not to live as polygamists.
I’ve made a huge mistake.
The family pans for gold and gets really excited over finding basically nothing. Garrison summarizes it succinctly by saying he has enough gold for a crown for a tiny ant. Apparently, Maddie is “really into it.” Meri says that they can use whatever gold they find for Maddie’s wedding ring. Hah! Good luck with a tin ring, Maddie. Savanah is determined to find enough gold to escape with her mom. Christine gets emotional over how romantic Logan and Michelle are. Probably because she has never experienced it herself (I am on a roll today!). They compete for who got the most gold. Garrison wins and gets a T-shirt that says “Gold Digger” on it. Such a nice family. Truely is upset that she didn’t win the shirt. She puts on her tiara-shaped headphones and sulks in the cutest way.
Kody has Resting Dumbass Face.
Savanah is mentally calculating how much more gold she needs to escape.
Screw this family! Maybe The Smashing Pumpkins will understand the depths of my dark soul.
Caleb is coming to get introduced to the family. Maddie is super nervous. Kody is going to have a TALK with Caleb. Janelle feels a little bad about how much pressure the guy will be under. Aspyn is becoming a mini-Christine. She tells Maddie she suspected something was going on at her uncle’s funeral, but only because she could see the chemistry between them. Everybody gives Maddie a hard time about it. Logan tries his best to get people to chill. He fights a losing battle. Caleb finally arrives. Maddie warns him that he is about to get trampled. Kody goes full bro mode on him. Solomon tells him, “Punch your butt!”
What did the Browns do to that poor dog?
The family heads on the Iditarod Trail. Robyn escaped because she is pregnant. Janelle is feeling old because two of her kids are holding hands. The family meets up with Moe Wassilie, a Yupik artist. They tell Moe about their child factory of a family, and then correct him when he guesses that they are Mormon. Not everyone knows or cares about the intricacies of your tiny fraction of a tiny religion, Kody. Moe says that the Yupik used to practice polygamy before the white people showed up. He jokes about whether Kody’s daughters are available (for his 6 sons), and Kody basically says, yeah, if you’re rich. GROSS.
Kody tries to playfully strangle Savanah.
They go on a hand-pulled cable car. Michelle gets right in the middle of it and helps pull. Kody thinks that means she wants to do everything the boys want to do. Christine loses her shit on the car, but she is fine, of course. They settle down for lunch, and Truely harasses Maddie and Caleb about getting married. Kody high-fives her, then says that the wives are the reason the kids misbehave. Probably, but they didn’t that alone, you know? Kody pulls Maddie and Caleb aside to talk to them. He tells them about asking Robyn’s dad if he could marry her. Wait, what? Robyn, who had previously been married and was over 30, needed her dad’s permission to marry Kody? WTF? Kody is hinting that this is what he wants Caleb to do. Maddie is mentally telling her dad to go fuck himself. Kody tells Caleb, “My little girl is smitten, man.” *Barf*
Maddie has Resting Murder Face.
They head back from the hike. Hunter got phone privileges just so he can call while they reveal what Robyn is having. Janelle says she gets really emotional when she talks to Hunter. It’s different, harder, than with the older kids. That’s because he’s your favorite, Janelle. Hunter calls and shows off his haircut. Truely and Solomon will open presents that reveal what she’s having. It’s apparently a girl. It could still be a girl xenomorph, though, so I’m sticking to that. Hunter is excited, and makes me tear up a little when he says he loves his sisters so much.
It’s a… plastic doll?!
Michelle tells Mykelti that she’s finally got everyone’s names down. Good for her, it took me 5 years to figure everybody out, especially the middle boys. Christine tells Maddie they wish they had the horrible “short film” the adults made for Maddie’s graduation. Maddie wishes she could murder Christine. Christine is still not convinced that Caleb and Maddie are OTP. Kody and Robyn think they’re getting married and moving to Montana. Logan and Mariah are apparently already applying to graduate school, and I feel hella old right now. Kody says this feels like their last family vacation (I doubt that).
I can’t believe I get to relive this masterpiece.
Next on Sister Wives… Robyn throws up from the smell of salmon. This is going to be great. Also, maybe, maybe we will get to the catfishing story? A girl can dream.
Caleb produces Robyn-repellant. It’s super effective!
