Hi Trashies! We are back for the Sister Wives Tell All(ish)! I have to be honest, I never really watched these kinds of episodes before now. I always found that they would try to sucker viewers in by promising a huge reveal and then the payoff was pretty low. TLC decided that this year’s episode deserved not just one, but two full hours of “tell all.” I have struggled a lot with the format of this recap, so I hope you guys enjoy what little entertainment I was able to cobble together.
We open with Kody, the wives, and host Tamron Hall sitting in some couches at what I am assuming is one of the wives’ houses. They banter a bit about the season, and Tamron presents the first flashback.
Oh no, this isn’t disgust. My face is just like this normally.
Flashback 1 – Kody wants to just go and get the marriage licenses done very clinically, with no pomp and circumstance. He and Robyn sneak off to sign the license without anybody else from the family.
Kody says he didn’t want to make it another wedding day. Meri suggested bringing everybody and their dog, but he said no. For Robyn, the marriage was about changing what the world perceives. Tamron asks since when do you care about the world’s opinion. In the end, Kody made the decision. He didn’t answer the question. Tamron asks what people tell the Browns and where they interact with haters the most. Kody replies that he encounters them every day on the street. Even people from their own church think that being so public is inappropriate. I would be very surprised to hear that 1) Kody and the wives go out on the “street” and 2) that anybody would recognized them out there.
I don’t know who Janelle hates more—Robyn or Kody.
Tamron wants to know how much social media they read. Kody says that they don’t really read any since Meri’s issue (he doesn’t say this, but that’s what he means). Tamron asks how it works when you legitimize one wife over the others. Janelle doesn’t seem to understand the question, since Meri was already legitimized before. Facebook asks whether Kody will divorce Robyn and re-marry Meri. Kody doesn’t understand why though? Tamron asks if there is a difference with Robyn now. Robyn avoids answer the question, saying she forgets to do her taxes (unsaid: and Kody is at my beck and call).
Christine’s happy pills just kicked in.
Flashback 2 – Kody and Robyn reach out to Robyn’s ex to force him to terminate his parental rights. Robyn hyperventilates.
Robyn says that it was a miracle that Preston signed the papers. A really dumb miracle, I guess.
The crazy eyes are strong in this family.
Flashback 3 – The kids’ adoption is approved by the judge.
Kody cries after watching the clip, and Tamron says she’s never seen him cry. I wish I hadn’t. Kody says that there’s a sense that everything is right after that experience. It was magical, surreal. Tamron notes that Meri was very detached throughout the more emotional scenes. She asks her why. Meri says she was dealing with “external issues” during the filming of the season, which is such a non-answer.
Robyn thinks the extra financial burden of her three kids on Kody is hi-larious.
Flashback 4 – Meri announces Robyn’s pregnancy.
Tamron asks why Meri made the announcement. Robyn thought people would guess what was going on if they did it at her house. Janelle thought Meri was going to announce that she had cancer. Whoa, Janelle, way to be super negative. For this pregnancy, the kids are a lot more excited than with Solomon. The older girls are asking what it’s like to be pregnant. I really don’t believe they do, Robyn. No college student or teenager is interested in being pregnant. Tamron asks Kody how he balances his time with the kids. Kody says he doesn’t golf. He doesn’t really have any hobbies that take him away from the kids (Except making more mini-Kodys with Robyn). Janelle thinks that somehow the kids see Kody as a superhero dad.
Tamron’s reaction to the idea of Kody being a “superhero dad.”
Flashback 5 – Christine and Kody take an anniversary trip to Galveston, Texas with their marriage counselor.
Tamron asks, “Who takes a therapist on an anniversary trip?” From your mouth to Krampus’s ears, Tamron. Kody and Christine had been going to therapy forever with no progress, so they thought bringing Nancy with them would help them get a breakthrough. I am so depressed for Christine, y’all.
Flashback 6 – Kody takes over their rock building counseling project.
All the wives pretend that they had Christine’s back and were furious with Kody. Tamron tells her that she kept waiting for her to turn into the Hulk and knock down the whole rock tower. She also points out that in all of the conversations about the rock building project, Kody never apologized (surprising exactly no one). Kody says he just railroaded it, and asks to talk about this in private? Tamron channels the audience in response. Janelle defends Kody by saying he always thinks about the family first. Kody adds something to the effect of “Hur dur a bunch of guys out there probably think I’m a jackwagon” (WTF is a jackwagon?). Tamron replies, “Not just guys. Ladies, too.” Tamron is on fire! Kody says he doesn’t want to hear about the ladies. He never does!
Kody hasn’t heard a word Christine said, but his boner sure liked whatever it was.
Facebook asks Kody why he married four women if he didn’t want to deal with their emotions. Kody “apologizes,” and then blames Christine because she once questioned being in a polygamist relationship. No explanation as to why Meri gets a pass on a fucking affair, but Christine is to blame for Kody’s trust and woman issues for wanting out one time.
Christine tries to telepathically shut Kody up forever.
Flashback 7: MOAR therapy!
Christine reveals that she hates being faced with successful relationships while hers is struggling (I wonder where she sees successful relationships?). Tamron wants to know where her jealousy comes from and asks for specific examples. Christine is clearly flustered by being put on the spot like this and waffles about not being confident in herself. Tamron expands the question to the other wives, but still asks for examples about Christine. Can we turn this inquisition on Robyn? That would make me feel a lot better. Robyn refuses to come up with one because girl code or something (like she gives a shit about the other wives). Christine finally relents and says she get jealous of Kody’s time with the other wives. Kody basically says that he’s totally detached when he’s at Christine’s because she has so many feelings. Christine’s happy pills must be on their second wind, because she’s so serene as she talks about the “dark period” in her life “before she got pregnant with Truely” (aka when Kody traded her in for a younger, more fertile model).
Janelle and Robyn try to bury themselves into the couch as Christine’s dirty laundry is aired.
In case you haven’t fallen asleep at this point of the episode, you’re in for a nice nap. We get to live through an interview with the older Brown kids, except Hunter. Garrison and Paydon are there but do not make up for Hunter’s absence. First up is talk about the significant others. Maddie is excited about Caleb. She says she wasn’t worried about bringing him to her Dad, just that she’s really young to be in such a serious relationship. Logan chimes in that he approves of Caleb. Moving on, Maddie was rejected from joining the real Mormon Church because they think her family is too controversial and public. She’s very upset that they would consider her parents in her bid for membership. I’m upset that you are cool with the Mormon Church, Maddie. After all of the Brown older kids basically say there’s no way in hell they’d be polygamists, Tamron asks Logan about Michelle and how they met. Apparently, instead of asking her on a date, he just grabbed her and kissed her. Uh Logan? That’s not how you ask someone out, it’s sexual assault.
Mykelti looks fly as hell next to these two shmos.
Flashback 8: Last season, two anthropology students come to the show and tell Kody that based on their observations of the family, he doesn’t relate to the girls as well as the boys.
Tamron wants to know how the fuck he doesn’t relate to girls when he is surrounded by girls and women of all ages all the time every day. Janelle defends Kody (again—did Janelle dip into Christine’s happy pills?). It’s totally okay that he doesn’t spend individualized time with the girls because they totally still have the same relationship (bullshit). When Ysabel’s birthday came around, she asked to spend time with her sisters and their dad (why though). Kody says that his daughters don’t have the same jealousy among themselves as the wives do. Uh duh. They all know you are their father and love them (sort of) equally. The wives don’t have any indication of that.
I’m just glad Kody is around to bring awareness to the serious condition of Resting Dumbass Face.
Now it’s time to take another nap! The younger Brown kids show up to be interviewed.