You guys, it’s almost over!! We did it, those of you still watching! And those of you reading and commenting: THANK YOU. Seriously. I love reading all of your comments because it makes me feel less alone in the fact that I take time out of my day to think about what Ryan Murphy is going to do about Keke Palmer. God, I love the internet.
Happy White Friday! Is that too far? Let me know. Emma Roberts sure is pretty, and she looks good in all white and she knows it. I wonder if when she gets older, she’ll dress like Yolanda Foster?? – I KNOW IT’S OFF SUBJECT BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW!!?
I actually seriously want these
Chanel uses Black Friday as an excuse to not spend a lot of money buying stupid gifts like black toilet paper for her friends. It was a kind of funny idea, but then you thought about it more. Eh. The Chanels are heading out to go shop, when Dean Munchies orders them to stay. And of course it doesn’t hold because Emma Roberts is young and fresh and Jamie Lee Curtis is made of long John Silvers “crispies”.
“People say I’m a bitch, but I just have Resting Crisp Face.”
Here’s something I have an issue with and it’s come up in the comments of this week’s MiniCap: I think I’ve said this before but I am really sick of the “Come on, sluts” joke. If it was at least funny I would be okay with it. I am all for dark/mean humor or whatever, but it never lands and it just makes me sad and what if lil grls & boys are watching, for some unknown reason? They may think the plot is interesting! And then little girls think it’s cute to call their friends that and little boys will grow up thinking that an okay way to talk to girls and I don’t want to get to ~RADical~ right here right now but I dunno. You can’t pick and choose things to be politically correct about, I guess, because it just takes away any power to another issue you maybe said something good about. Also a bunch of dudes wrote this show. It’s just gross, cut it out. Please.
Also! Keke Palmer is wearing a headband made of bobby pins.
Grace, Pete, and Wes are at the police station because of course they are. They’re SERIOUS. Come to find out, the entire homicide department has been fired. I don’t think that’s how it works, but alright.
When you fall for the one guy as bad at acting as your father. #DaddyIssues ?
While out shopping, Chanel has a realization because Abigail Breslin squeezed some warm butter out of her teeth while saying “Cause it’s Christmas”. She realizes she should buy actual gifts that people might like! So let’s head out and go buy pink jeeps! I think it’s funny when this show tries to make jokes about worrying about logistics. Because REALLY.
I just noticed these braids in her hair and I’m upset. Looks like a bad Barbie wig. You were so close.
The Chanels are leaving to get their matching pink jeeps when somehow the mall has been deserted. No. 5 finds an exit and is like “hey maybe if I shove my arm through the locked door, it’ll open!”. Surprisingly, it doesn’t work. Not so surprisingly, the Red Devil is there.
When you remember Abigail Breslin “wrote” a book
I did laugh when the girls are running away and you can hear Chanel yell “This is all your fault No. 5!!!”. There’s another Red Devil but they all find an exit and head out. Chanel stays behind, stupidly, trying to be strong or something. The Red Devil shoots her with a crossbow.
Still cute, tho.
I kind of didn’t see that coming, because I feel like The Red Devil would have killed her already if they really wanted to. But, it was a shot in the shoulder, so maybe I’m right! He (I’m just going to refer to Red Devil as He/Him because it’s easier) creeps up like he’s going in for the kill, when in comes Denise Hemphill, new Chief of Police!
“It’s time to CLEAN THIS HOUSE!”
Am I the only one that remembers this TLC masterpiece? My sister and I were obsessed with it. Highly recommend.
Needless to say, the Red Devils get away.
Chanel has all the girls gathered at Kappa House to tell them that Dean is obviously the killer and we need to do something about it. Grace isn’t wearing an ugly hat, Keke Palmer has taken that bullet for her today. Grace stands up and gives a very boring speech I tried to pay attention to, but it ended with: Dean Muncher must die. This show is ridic, but I can’t deal with everyone just agreeing to this. Agreeing to murder someone.
Here’s an odd pairing we now are greeted with: Chad and Pete. I used to vomit at the sight of Chad, but I’m warming up to him. Maybe it’s just because he seems to be everyone’s favorite and I like being difficult. He is definitely a good actor. And with this show you aren’t really used to it. He usually just goes on little rants that are more mean than funny, and his face is confusing to me. But he’s becoming my favorite. They stopped giving No. 3 lines, and Nick Jonas is dead, so I had to go somewhere.
Chad has brought Pete to the Dixie Dicks house to tell him that bOOUNE (I laugh every time he pronounces his name) left everything to Pete in him will! Also, I love the idea that all of these 19 year old have wills. But what does it mean?! Were they secret friends? Secret gay lovers? Secret murderer friends? Pete combusted and once they cleaned up allthe fruit gusher juice his body was filled with, he confessed that Boone was his source. If he says he’s an investigative journalist one more time, I’ll vomit. If he’s an investigative journalist, SO AM I.
Part of me thinks he is one of those chocolate Easter bunnies and I can’t explain myself
We go to a flashback of Pete trying to join the Dixie Rich Dicks but being ridiculed because he doesn’t play golf or listen to John Mayer. Let me just say: this is the biggest lie of the whole fucking show. YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME PETE DOESN’T LISTEN TO JOHN MAYER? I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND. Anyway we’re supposed to wonder what that’s about. Chad doesn’t like Pete for several reasons, one of them being WHO WOULD? But invited him to join anyway. Pete refuses, which Chad says isn’t an option, so he will be murdered to death. Aw. My heart shockra is opening up to you, Chad.
Grace and Chanel meet with the Dean to talk about their new feminist group. Believable. Sidenote: Why does Grace look alright? Better hair, no hat, better clothes? Wha happa? They have poisoned Dean Munchie’s apple cider (her fav) with way more than enough….buuuuut, it does nothing. Dean Is just going on and on and you can tell SHE KNOWS. How did she survive it? We will probably never know.
Pete and Grace are in his dorm being romantic and spiders are crawling all over my body. Maybe it’s because Grace called herself “a soldier at war”. Pete tells Grace he loves her and she says “I don’t know”!!! HAHAHAHAHA. She isn’t ready to bang yet and she’s like maybe if you killed the Dean I’d be more willing – don’t lie girls, we’ve all tried this classic move – but he gets upset because murder is bad! LOL Pete you’re just revealing yourself as a murder this week, huh? So who do we all think Pete killed?
So natural & comfortable looking
So the Dean isn’t dead, someone used to term “buzzer gullet”, so we have to keep trying to kill her. Grace, influenced by a murderer, Pete, decides that murdering Dean is wrong. Nobody agrees with her, including Zayday!! Drama! Grace feels the need to go somewhere where people make sense. She makes a wrong turn and ends up at her Dad’s place. Oh! And guess who else is there? Pete! There is a really long conversation where they are basically just piecing together what we have all known for weeks and weeks. Wes gets weird which is Pete’s cue to leave. Wes is like “So how are you” and Grace gets all giddy because she and Pete are just SO happy they have found each other. In this mess of everyone you know being murdered, all that really matters is that you’ve found someone to make out with. Unfortunately, Grace says something about expectations and Wes stands up like he’s going to give her the birds and the bees talk????? WHY??? I DON’T NEED IT. He’s basically just like “If you’re ready, do it. If you aren’t, don’t”. Grace thanks her lucky stars.
The Kappa girls try again to kill Dean, by freezing her to death. Gah, doesn’t that just seem like the worst way to go? Anyway, it doesn’t work. I could make a thousand Activia jokes because Jamie Lee Curtis is in a freezer. But I’m trying my best to be more clever than that.
*activia joke*
Now Pete is hanging out, packing? With an uneasy angle. Is he about to die? Sometimes, the cinematography are the only real clues this show gives us. He answers the phone and it’s probably another murderer and he’s all like “Quit calling me! I feel bad! Of course I feel guilty! IT’S NOT WHO I AM!”. He hangs up ad goes to look at the Red Devil costume in his closet. Which we knew he had already. Not too shocking.
“I feel bad! You don’t think I feel bad?” -Pete Martinez, Investigative Journalist
So it’s time for another meeting about how Dean isn’t dead. What’s her DEAL? Chanel starts writing something on her laptop and it isn’t quite clear, but it must be important, I guess. Grace is wearing a cute dress(???) and goes over to see Pete and is trying to be cute, talkin about a sessy lil cabin and he is distant!! Grace now refers to herself as a sentient grown woman. Who is responsible for that line. Indefensible. Pete says he can’t do this because… because…
“I don’t want your first time to be with a murderer.”
Whaaaaaat? Jk that was APPARENT. But that’s it for this week!
Since we are so close to the end, let’s discuss some theories.
So Pete is a murderer, we know this. But I feel like we’ll pick up next week and it’ll be something minor that we will all get over in about five seconds. My theory is that everyone is guilty for a murder or two. We know Dean killed her ex husband, and kind of Feather. But I don’t think she’s a Red Devil. This is probably the case for most of the characters. Pete probably killed one person and then felt bad about it. I feel like No. 5 is going to be one of them because it just kind of makes the most sense at this point, because it makes the least amount of sense. And it’s upsetting to think about. But so are a lot of aspects of this show.
What do you guys think?????? Give me all your theories in the comments and I will read and reply!! Also I’ll try and live-tweet the finale next week so hit me up there: @grumpykat42
Oh, by the way:
See you next week, sluts!!! (See it doesn’t work)