Present
Noah and Alison are pulling up to the courthouse in Montauk, which is crawling with local paparazzi. Toby from the West Wing wants to pull around the back, but Noah is ready to meet the press. In the crowd, Noah sees Helen with Dr. PPO Oh! Oh! Yay! Looks like you can find love on the dusty floor of a basement.
Part One: Noah
It’s been about a year since the events of last week’s episode. Noah leaves a message for Alison who is late to their couple’s therapy appointment. He jokes about leaving and going to watch Captain America. Noah doesn’t strike me as a Marvel man. His therapist Marilyn is played by Cynthia Nixon (!) and this poor woman is about to earn every dime of Noah’s money. Yeesh. Noah complains about baby Joanie being a baby and waking up super early. She also refuses to say Dada, probably because Noah is the only one who doesn’t know Joanie is Cole’s love child. Alison is taking classes and wants to become a doctor. Noah would love to GTFO, but Marilyn is probably thrilled that she finally gets some alone time with the subject of her next book, “A Douche-Canoe Without a Paddle: The Noah Solloway Sessions.”
Shut up, Noah!
Noah is kind of not into sticking around, so Marilyn offers to reschedule. It’s a busy week for Noah, because Helen and Dr. PPO Oh! Oh! (whose name is Vic) are in Africa on safari. That’s funny, because she planned to go to Africa after college but didn’t because of her parents. Without the Wicked WASPS and Noah holding her back, Helen is living it up, and getting regular doctor visits to her lady parts. Get it!
Chris Evans and his abs are going to have to wait because Noah wants to talk about his divorce being finalized. He’s known for two weeks but OOPS hasn’t told Alison. Noah acts like he totally wants to marry Alison, but he doesn’t think she’s into it. Sometimes Alison watches Noah with Joanie and he doesn’t know why (but we do).
Buy yourself a clue, Solloway
Noah, of course, makes himself the victim of this story because the poor woobie has taught himself to cook, done the laundry, changed diapers and GASP barely had time to write. What a hero, guys. Oh writers, you’ve finally shown us what a great man Noah is because one time he boiled pasta and did a chore. How could we have been so wrong about this misunderstood character? This must be what Sarah Treem has been trying to tell us all along, but we the viewers just wouldn’t listen and, kept hating on Noah. Noah’s not done. All the women in his life, Helen, Whitney and Alison all judge him. Hmmmmm…could it be they have good reasons to judge you? Cry me a river, asshole.
Things that don’t change: Noah wanting to fuck some new young honey. This one is named Lucy and she’s one of his grad students. Does Dominic West have a rider in his contract that he is irresistible to women in every show he stars in? Marilyn figures this isn’t the first time that Noah has wanted to hook up with someone else. He admits to what happened with Eden, but of course, makes it seem like she was totally throwing herself at him (and neglects to mention the blue ball incident at Williams). Noah confesses to getting a hot tub boner for Whitney. Apparently this was the last time he saw her. Father of the year, this guy. Noah calls himself a “sick, bad guy.” Go on…
As your therapist I must remain impartial, so I’m going to act like I totally did not just throw up in my mouth
Awww. Noah’s getting weepy, which makes me laugh. Marilyn thinks that Noah hasn’t shown Alison the divorce papers because he doesn’t trust himself. Uh, that and maybe because he wants to throw his grad student over his desk and mark her term papers with his special red pen. Noah talks about wanting to die after that party. I think if anyone wanted to die, it was Whitney, but hey who cares about her when there is man-pain to discuss? I feel like a few weeks ago, someone in the comments (Babylegs, maybe) had a great observation about how this show was really cruel to women. Between Noah being Noah, and last week Luisa’s uterus slapping Cole in the face, women really get the shaft, which is interesting because this is a show that was co-created by a woman.
Marilyn turns to that shrink cliché and wants to focus on Noah’s childhood. How he feels that his father used his not cheating on his wife as a badge of honor, but left Noah to care for his mother when she got sick. Marilyn thinks that Noah’s views on fidelity are warped by his issues with his dad. Noah blah blahs about how people are so complicated. Whatever, dude. You’re a dick.