Hello Trash Talkers! Holiday break is over, TV is back in full swing, and I am so excited to be recapping the sixth season of Lifetime’s Dance Moms! I have not watched this show since I was in college, wayyyy back in 2012. I would watch it on nights that a Real Housewives franchise wasn’t airing and I needed something to fill the gap that can only be satisfied by crazy delusional middle-aged women screaming at each other on camera while their painfully embarrassed children want to crawl out of their skin. For those of you who don’t know, Dance Moms is a show about, well, dance moms and a scary Sea Witch who yells at small dancing children until they manage to entertain her with her own choreography inspired by things like car accidents and children being abducted. It’s a lot of fun and I can’t remember why I stopped watching.
And don’t underestimate the power of TECHNIQUE AND PERFECT LINES!
To get myself caught up, I did a little bit of research and it looks like Abby is in some hot legal water. Apparently, she tried to commit bankruptcy fraud and is potentially facing five years in prison. Also, former dance team member Paige is trying to sue Abby for throwing a chair at her and insulting her appearance and intelligence but a judge decided there was insufficient evidence to prove these claims. Apparently, the last five seasons of Dance Moms filled with Abby screaming an inch away from a kid’s face and hitting crab apple Kathy with a purse aren’t enough. So it sounds like everything is just as insane and upsetting as I left it. Let’s start the first episode, shall we?
Immediately I am hit with a whirlwind of questions as they do a quick recap of what happened last season. They opened a new studio in Los Angeles?! Everyone picked up their lives and ditched Pennsylvania to dance at the new dance studio?! They finally decided to shorten that stupid opening sequence about living on the dance floor?!?! I’m happy about that last part but everyone moving to L.A. is a pretty big deal. Do you guys remember when Jill used to drive Kendall all the way to Ohio every day to dance at Kathy’s stupid ass apple studio even though she lived in Pennsylvania? And then they’d go back to Pennsylvania every night because they lived there and Kendall had to go to school? Maybe nobody moved to L.A. and they all just drive across the country everyday so that their daughter might get the solo and a place on the top of the pyramid.
Maddie is nowhere to be found and we are also missing Chloe, Brooke, and Paige, but I guess they left the group permanently during my Dance Moms hiatus. Melissa recently took legal guardianship over one of the newer girls, Kalani, because her mom, Kira, is off being pregnant somewhere. What the FUCK is going on? How long have I been gone? This is all insane, even for Dance Moms, and yet the surprises keep rolling. Abby looks a lot different than I remember. She has lost a lot of weight and has apparently gained a hair and makeup artist. Gone are the days of Abby struggling to make herself look like a bloated amateur drag queen because now she has a team that can make her look like a less-bloated professional drag queen! She even has an assistant, I know because my friend waited on her at her store once. She realized she was working for Abby once she heard Abby’s distinguished voice complain about how tacky Michael Kors handbags are while a nearby shopper was buying one as a gift. She then watched Abby pick out a star-shaped hard case metallic silver clutch. My friend brought her a box of size 12 shoes and Abby ripped the shoes out of the box still in my friend’s hands and tried to squeeze her hooves into them. The assistant was a sad-looking girl and she was wearing a pair of frumpy sweatpants. She told my friend she wasn’t only Abby’s assistant, but she also worked for all of the moms! That girl totally hated her life.
With all of this weight loss and success, maybe Abby will finally be a happier person? Nah, she’s still the same miserable dance instructor. It’s business as usual as Abby begins rehearsal for the first competition of the season. She begins by saying everyone needs to work harder, they can’t pursue activities outside of dancing, and she wants them to quit school. Just kidding, but I bet she’d be super excited about that idea. Nia, McKenna, and Kendall are back for some more abuse and Kalani and Jojo have joined the team during my hiatus. Kalani’s mom, as I mentioned earlier, is off having a baby and Jojo’s mom, Jessalynn, looks like she is a shit stirrer so I’m excited about that. Jessalynn doesn’t disappoint me with her shit stirring spoon and immediately points out that it’s not fair that Maddie is allowed to go out for acting auditions with Abby’s full support but no one else can. Jill tries to make a similar argument but just starts shrieking about being SO LOYAL to Abby for the millionth time until Kendall flat out tells her to shut the fuck up. Kendall appears to have gained a voice since I last watched an episode of Dance Moms and I am very interested in where this new development will take her.