Hi, Trashies! Have you missed me? Oh, I know you have. It’s time for another wonderfully trashy season of The Bachelor. This, Ben Higgins is looking for his future wife ex-fiance. Last time we saw him, he was the only person in the world surprised by the fact Kaitlyn dumped him. Once again, we’re going with the “Aw shucks, I’m just a good ol’ boy from a small town.” Didn’t we get enough of that with Chris? Anyway, Warsaw, Indiana is now on the map. Thanks, Ben.
The 12-square miles Ben calls home.
The intro package is nothing extraordinary. Ben’s elementary school shaped him a lot as a child. Well, yeah. Whose didn’t? Also, Ben got his first kiss and then he was dumped that same night. That doesn’t speak well for Ben’s kissing skills. The way he talks about his high school football team makes me think that Ben probably piqued in high school.
Oh, and we’re still doing the whole “I’m unloveable” sob story that was so obviously forced last season. I’m not sure why he thinks he got anywhere close to being with Kaitlyn last season. Was he not paying attention the whole time? Furthermore, are there no parents on this show who weren’t high school sweethearts? What the hell is with that?
Yet somehow Ben’s dad knows what it’s like to feel unloveable.
So, the actual show starts with Ben arriving at the house. He’s still worried that he won’t be the man these women want. Spoiler: He’s not what they want. They just want to be on TV. Speaking of wanting to be on TV, Sean Lowe, Chris Soules, and Jason Mesnick are there to offer some advice. I understand why Jason and Sean are there. Sean actually married (and is having a kid with!) his final pick. Jason is at least married to a woman who was on the show. Chris…was engaged for a few months and is fresh in everyone’s minds. Also, he’s not Juan Pablo, so he has that going for him. Will there be an Eskimo brothers joke about Chris and Ben with Kaitlyn?
Sean didn’t get the blue shirt memo.
I love Sean’s “good news” – that Ben is the only guy the women have to choose from. So, congrats on be literally the only option, Ben. I’m sure that just raises your self esteem. Ben thinks it’s great that Jason followed his heart. Didn’t Jason “follow his heart” to Melissa and then dump her for Molly? Chris just suggests that Ben kiss everyone because “you only get one opportunity to meet your wife.” Once again, remember how Chris broke up with Whitney after like three months? Go home, Chris.
Oh, and now we have to go through the some of the ladies’ intro packages. Lauren B. is a flight attentant and she’d love to “and Ben’s heart.” Ugh. Caila met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other two weeks later. Then she saw Ben on TV, she decided she wanted to meet him and broke it off with her boyfriend. Caila is right. There is definitely something wrong there.
Jubilee joined the military when she was 18 and then was shipped of Afghanistan. There are puns about her being on a mission and all is fair in love and war. So, yeah. This is going to get old. Mandi is “not your average girl” and is a dentist. Her intro package is uncomfortable. She’s like the poor man’s Ashley S. Oh, and she wants to give Ben an oral exam. Get it?
Emily and Haley are twins. That is really all that’s said. Amanda is a single mom and her voice is almost as annoying as Whitney’s was. Tiara is a “chicken enthusiast” and her favorite chicken is Shiela. Suddenly, Kelly Travis being a “dog lover” isn’t so weird. Sam graduated from law school and decided to throw away her actual career in favor of being on a reality show. First sob story of the night! Her dad had ALS and passed away.
It’s time for Ben to meet the ladies! But first:
It’s nice of Chris Harrison to make an appearance.
Lauren B.
She gives him wings and makes another flight attendant pun about their relationship “taking off.” I usually love puns, but shut up, Lauren.
Caila
She literally jumps into his arms and says they’ll “catch up” inside. You need to up your pun games, ladies.
Jennifer
They just say “nice to meet you” and there’s a hug. That’sit.
Jami
Jami looks like Amber (Chris, Bachelor in Paradise) but prettier. Also, she knows Kaitlyn. I’m sure Ben is thrilled to be reminded of his ex.
Samantha
On the way here, Sam found out she passed the Bar Exam. So,she’s celebrating by making a fool of herself on TV with a “boxers or legal briefs” line.
Jubilee
Damn, girl has style! I love that she at least acknowledges that her pick up line is cheesy. I like her!
Amanda
She’s really, really excited that it’s Ben. That’s literally all.
Lace
Who I called “Lance” earlier. She kisses Ben immediately so that she can have the first kiss. She’s gonna be one of those.
Lauren R.
Lauren R. thinks she’s at an advantage because she’s been able to stalk Ben all over social media. You know, she had exclusive access to his public Instagram and Twitter accounts. Unfortunately, she never actually gives Ben her name.
Shushanna
Shushanna doesn’t actually say anything in English. So, yeah, there’s that.
Leah
She hikes a football and says she knew Ben “was a catch.” Get it?
Jo Jo
The pictures sum it up.
Lauren H.
She caught a bouquet at a wedding last weekend and she thinks it’s a sign.
Laura
Laura wants to be called Red Velvet. Nope, that’s not a stripper name.
Mandi
Mandi wears a rose on her head so she can be the First Impression Rose.
Haley and Emily
They’re twins. That’s all we’re going to get about them all season, I bet. Also, does anyone else remember when Flavor of Love featured twins and Flava Flav called them Thing 1 and Thing 2?
Meagan
Meagan brings a mini horse. She barbecues with it. I got nothing.
Breanne
Breanne doesn’t eat gluten because she’s one of those people without an actual allergy that thinks it’s bad. They break bread on the ground. That’s a special level of stupid.
Isabel
Isabel is wearing footie pajamas so she can find out of Ben is the “onesie” for her.
Inside, no one can tell if Lace is drunk or just obnoxious. Why not both?
Jessica
There’s a hug. That’s it.
Tiara
Tiara has no idea what Disneyland is if she thinks this show is anything like it. I can’t find a picture of her and I’m entirely too lazy to go back and get one. It doesn’t matter. She’s filler anyway.
LB
Another simple hug and “see you inside.”
Jackie
She makes a Save the Date card with #ToHigginsAndToHold on it. That doesn’t even make sense.
Olivia
They take a few deep breaths and talk about dimples.
Chris Harrison comes out and Ben thinks that his wife is in this room. I wonder if Chris Harrison gets a bonus ever time that phrase is said.
Time to mingle! Oh, wait, first Ben wants to call his parents. So, that happens. When it’s finally time to mingle, Mandi takes the first opportunity to talk to Ben one-on-one. I don’t know why people think this is inappropriate. That’s the whole point of the show. She talks to Ben about flossing.
And then this happens.
The news achnor (whose name never flashes up – I think it’s Olivia) tells Ben all about how she left her awesome full time job to meet him on this show and maybe get a chance to be engaged to him for a little while. If I were Ben, I’d immediately dump her for making really bad decisions.
Caila thinks it’s romantic that the two of them both sell software. The Twins (I’m just going to call them all season) wants to teach them how to tell them apart. We never find that out. Someone in a red dress has flash cards to have Ben guess where she’s from and we learn he knows nothing about geography. Then there’s a lot of filler and I have no idea who anyone is at this point.
Just when Ben thinks it’s crazy…
“We needed another 15 minutes of fame!”
I expected this from Amber. Becca is better and entirely too well adjusted for this. The other ladies are, of course, pissed off about the new arrivals. Why does everyone think that being on this show before gives them any sort of advantage? Did we not see how returning to the show worked for the likes of Chris Bukowski and Nick Viall? This causes Lace to drink even more.
So, Jubilee was more nervous coming on this show than she was being deployed to Afghanistan. With that, drunk Lace interrupts. She wants a better kiss, but Ben doesn’t want to just focus on the physical attractions right away. Then Mandi comes back. I don’t know if that makes the moment better or worse.
“Lace! Come back!”
Lace gets her drunken wish when Ben comes to find her. He just wants to continue to explain how he doesn’t want to just have a physical relationship right away. So, Ben is the anti-Chris Soules.
It’s time for things to get awkward and Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose and all the ladies freak out. Ben tells us that Lauren B. takes his breath away. Then some chick I don’t remember talks about how morals and values as well as physical attraction are the two most important things in a relationship to her.
He has a hard time deciding on who will get the First Impression Rose, but it ultimately goes to Olivia. I guess knowing someone quit her job for you even before she met you makes quite an impression. And now it’s time for more roses to be given out!
Olivia still has a rose and the rest of the ladies staying are:
Lauren B.
LB
Caila
Amber (I think this is the earliest she’s been called in any rose ceremony ever.)
Jamie
Jennifer
Jubilee
Amanda
JoJo
Leah
Rachel
Samantha
Jackie
Haley
Emily
Shushanna (Did she eventually speak to him in English?)
Lauren H.
Becca
Mandi
And the last rose goes to…
Drunk Lace
The ladies who leave act all heartbroken over a guy they probably spent all of five minutes with. Drunk Lace has to make a spectacle of herself. She bitches Ben out for not looking at him during the rose ceremony. He says, as politely as possible, “You got a fucking rose. Get the fuck over it, bitch!”
So, that’s it for the premier! I’m already bored. How about you? I hope Lace sticks around to bring the crazy. That will at least keep me entertained.