HOUSE OF COMMON BITCHES — INQUIRY
Matters of Public Disinterest In Regards to Interests Northwest
Inquiry into allegations of false invitations to the Crème de la Crème Ball, as well as accusations made by Countess Magali of Swansee, levied against Lady Ward of Watford Hall. Other questions regarding hysterectomies, table dancing, and charity functions arise from the Leader of the Opposition, as well as discussions on the nondiscusssions of future discussions of a woman named Leann. And the House adjourns on a note from the Her Majesty’s Dream Body, Tanya. Further questions tabled until the next day’s sitting.
HANSARD:
SPEAKER of the HOUSE
ORDER! ORDER! QUESTIONS to the PRIME MINISTER!
MINISTER
Question Number 1 Mister Speaker
SPEAKER
ORDER! THE PRIME MINISTER!
PRIME MINISTER
Thank you Mister Speaker. This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues and others. In addition to my duties in this House, I shall have further such meetings later today.
SPEAKER
The Reverend Nicholas Aldridge.
MINISTER
Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Last week, Lady Ward of Watford Hall wrote members of my shadow cabinet on the status of her hysterectomy and I’m proud to report to the House that her PA, Nicola, has coloured her hair successfully during ball week, which to quote the constituent, “is quite stressful.” What does the Prime Minister intend to do about Lady Ward’s impending hysterectomy and is he aware of the dire circumstances facing Watford Hall about the Countess Magali’s insistence on tendering a reservation to the Right Honorable Lady’s Crème de la Crème Ball? (Here! Here!)
PRIME MINISTER
Right, I would first like to congratulate Lady Ward on her indecision to tax our NHS on a surgery she may or may not need and it is to her credit she does not decide until she receive proper council from her practitioner as well as those on Twitter. Now, onto matters regarding Lady Ward’s Crème de la Crème ball, I frightfully hate to report I will not be in attendance as my time table requires my presence stateside at a white party in honor of Lord Rothchild’s in-law. According to esteemed Baroness Vanderpump, a “Fatburger has my name on it,” a statement as American as Lipitor. Now, on to more dire matters concerning Countess Magali and the status of her immigration, sorry, invitation, my apologies there, it has been the Government’s stance since in leadership to stand in solidarity with Lady Ward and my state secretary reports that we have nearly full support from all right honorable members. Members opposite frightfully don’t see the impending danger of opening the floodgates to immigration (cough) I reckon the gale wind has followed me into this chamber and afforded me a bout of the cough (laughter) I once again apologize, invitation to Lady Ward’s crème de la crème, but I warn those who fail to see such a threat to our Balls as merely twats in sheep’s skin. (Here! Here!)
PRIME MINISTER
ORDER!! LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION!! SIR ENGLISH JEW !!
LEADER of the OPPOSITION
Thank you Mr. Speaker. I first would like to pay tribute to my honorable friend, the Member for Manchester Up-N-Out, on his constituent Ampika Pikston and her beautiful soliloquy over scoring the pretext of Cheshire for which we discussed last week at length. It isn’t everyday members on either side relish in the mellifluous timbre of Northumbrian speech vernacular and she did her and her Scouse speaking Englishmen proud in honoring their reverence for flat vowels and guttural dipthongs especially when rhapsodizing the time honored tradition for paying tribute to drinking malted liquor from champagne flutes. One could conjure up the taste of Tesco brand frozen strawberries when relishing in her homage to the values and beliefs of her brethren and I wish Ms. Pikston much luck as she embarks on her path both as a junior esthetician and an orator, a trembling feat which brings one to their knees in pursuit (Here…)
Mr. Speaker, last week, the Prime Minister’s Chancellor, the member for Hale, spoke of his wife, Lady Simon in a statement that suggested, perhaps, the state of their marriage may not be as it appears. The Daily Mail reports of grizzly accusations of her drapery and carpetry, an illusion to her genetic disposition as a brunette, with the implication left out in the open that mauve is not a naturally occurring strand of hair colour. Would he care to comment on his Chancellor’s statement to the press and why today of all days it was brought to our attention after years of Chinese Whispers, or are we to believe that the Chancellor is saving face so he may return home to another’s lap of luxury in his Arizona condominium where he shares a winter home and keys to a 1997 vintage model Honda Civic, one I might add, entirely coated in silver and the title of which registered to the Accounts Committee as belonging to Brandi Rae Gibbers, if I’m pronouncing that correctly. What does his Chancellor have to say?