Chrissy Teigan thinks dates are hilarious. Padma does not.
Hello Trashy People, and welcome to the first Top Chef recap of the new year—an important milestone for all of us, I know. I have to be honest, two weeks without Top Chef led me to my own culinary efforts, like homemade noodles and mushroom stroganoff. Or in Top Chef speak: “Homemade Italiani Topped with a Shallot Mushroom Reduction & Garnished with Parsley & Gently Soured Cream.” I also made a no-knead bread, or “Rustic Pain,” and an appetizer very appropriate for today’s episode, bacon wrapped dates with toothpicks in them, or “Pork Belly Lollipops with Medjool Dates Stuffed with Goat Cheese & Toasted Pecans.” I also made a carrot cake, but I don’t even feel like making fun of it, I just wanted to mention it because I just enjoy remembering the time I spent with that cake. Mmmm, cream cheese frosting foreverrrr. Anyway, I’ve now got food on the brain and hunger in my belly, perfect Top Chef viewing mode, so let’s begin.
The episode starts off with a recap, which is good since it’s been weeks and many days of drinking since I last saw this show, and I’ve forgotten everything. Grayson who? In Top Chef world, no time has passed. We are returning to the moments right after elimination, and Jeremy is telling us about how making ceviche is risky in the desert. He then literally tells us it was his time rolling around with hot, sweaty men that prepared him for this moment, reminding us that, talented as they may be in the kitchen, the idiots on this show will be just as dumb in 2016 as they were in 2015. Happy New Year, everybody!
The rest of the opening was boring, so we roll through the opening credits and into a date farm. The chefs do absolutely nothing but pick up their dates, and Issac gets to try out this machete, date-harvesting handclaw. Finally, the chefs make it to the kitchen, where Padma and Crissy Teigan are waiting for them. Two observations: first, Chrissy Teigan is wearing the lowest-cut top possible. Girl, I was with you on the whole Instagram “free the nipple campaign,” but don’t free it in the Top Chef kitchen! There are knives and flames and Issac just got access to the machete, date-harvesting handclaw! If Chrissy Teigan loses a breast on Top Chef, I would laugh, but it would be national tragedy.
Sorry guys I couldn’t find a shirt with a lower cut.
Observation number two: when they walk in, someone says that’s John Legend’s wife. REALLY?! Not to get on my feminist high horse here (but I’m about to), Chrissy Teigan is Fucking CHRISSY Teigan SUPERMODEL! She is just as famous if not more famous than John Legend. The last John Legend song I heard was him covering the opening of Vanderpump Rules on Chrissy Teigan’s Instagram account (for her birthday). So it’s a little sexist to describe her as “John Legend’s wife.” How about, Hey, there is Chrissy Teigan, what the hell is she wearing? (That’s my feminist moment coming to a petty end.)
Anyway, Padma tells us she is a “foodie and beauty,” so that’s a better intro, I guess. Kwame tells us he gets butterflies just looking at her and keeps licking his lips both in the kitchen at that moment and then, presumably, much later during his confessional while discussing that moment. He tells himself to get it together, and I agree. She’s John Legend’s wife, for god’s sake!
Yo Kwame, the rest of us are keep our tongues tucked away in our mouths. Try it.
Then they announce the most ill-conceived quickfire challenge ever. Chrissy T. tells them she loves dates because they are “succulent, sticky and sweet.” Ugh, Bravo’s audience is mostly straight women and gay men, you don’t have to make us feel like you want to fuck us Chrissy, chill out. Then Padma compares Chrissy to a date. Everyone is stupid, so they laugh. For the quick fire challenge they will create a dish inspired by the best date (romantic outing) they’ve ever had, while highlighting dates (the food). Wow. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
“Dates are sticky, hehehe”
Next, frantic scenes of chefs trying to come up with dishes and telling us their date stories (which they will be telling Padma and Chrissy T. again at the judging, so I’m not going to get into it now). What you do need to know is that, as usual, Giselle was a frantic, unorganized mess in the kitchen. She’s stealing Jeremy’s burners and standing right in the middle, in front of the stove top. He has to maneuver around her and can’t really fit on either side. It’s pretty funny, how he’s fuming and she’s oblivious. She’s all hunched over like, huh? Where’s the flame? And then she turns on the gas on a bunch of burners while holding an open flame. Then everyone on Top Chef died in a massive gas fire-ball explosion.
Giselle: Huh? What’s going on?
Giselle: I’m confused
Jeremy: Wait did you turn on all the burners? You’re about to…
AHHHH!!!! (Just then everyone died a fiery death.)
Jk, but it could happen if Giselle is allowed to be on this show much longer. Anyway, the Chef’s stories are so boring, but it’s not their fault. It’s really hard to even think of a date story, let alone make it interesting enough for anyone to actually care about. Carl’s is like, we were going to go the ballet (no you weren’t) but I got my tonsils taken out (no you didn’t) so we just did a Netflix and chill sesh with a milkshake (probably the only accurate part). No one gets their tonsils out when they are old enough to meet their wife unless they are living on like an LDS compound and get betrothed around 10.