My whole life, my #1 wish has been to find myself in a situation where someone needs me to pretend we’re dating. Is my secretly wealthy friend having a large family function that requires a sophisticated southern belle? Is my nonconfrontational, hot but shitty, acquaintance trying to avoid a pushy ex? Does that sketchy guy I met at 7-11 need an extra person to ride in the HOV lane? Alas, no matter how hard I hope, it’s just not happening for me. Instead, I have to get my jollies from television, so props to my fav, Reign, for always having my back. More on my dreams coming to fruition later, but first…
We open with Elizabeth rubbing pig’s blood on her sheets, as you do, to trick her servants into thinking she’s on the rag. This is particularly painful for me because I have ruined so much bedding at this point that I now wear two pairs of sweatpants and sleep on a towel on the floor when it’s that time of the month. Ah, to be a queen.
call me crazy, but this seems symbolic
Elizabeth meets with Lola who questions when she can return home. Elizabeth gives a vague “dunno prob never” and I am A-OK with that. Her character is much easier to tolerate when she’s doing something for her country rather than being an unselfaware dullard.
Much to my dismay, however, Mary wants her back. Maybe Don Carlos wasn’t the only one with brain damage after the sex horse debacle? She intercepts coded correspondence between Elizabeth and Gideon to get some answers.
Meanwhile, Charles has become Narcisse’s lap dog. I don’t blame him. After losing your hot dad and your hot brother it’s only natural to flock to the hottest man with power to tell you what to do. Narcisse explains that France is in crushing debt due to the war in Scotland and the only way to rectify the situation is through Claude’s forced marriage. Charles gives a half hearted objection then immediately agrees because there’s nothing like a father’s approval.
Can I call you Daddy?
Mary and Catherine are summoned by Narcisse to a room where they interrupt Charles’s “sorry not sorry” to his sister about her nuptials. Everyone wonders why they’re gathered when Narcisse enters to introduce the WHODUNIT of the episode: someone has stolen the money France/Narcisse received from the deal on Claude’s wedding.
I then expected this to turn into a bottle episode with weird swivel shots and accusations and people exaggeratingly sweating while they solve the mystery. Unfortunately, I got too greedy and it’s essentially a “we all know Catherine did it, proof will come out. see ya” situation.
trial’s on Tuesday
Mary approaches Gideon as he’s taking his daughterless frustration out on the sword version of a punching bag. (Slicing Column? Stabbing Post?) She states that her cryptologist finally cracked the cipher for the seized messages. She’s aware that his real mission is to seduce her and she proposes using this to their mutual advantage.
The letters about getting his hostage daughter back are as wishy washy as those about Lola so maybe if they can convince Elizabeth Mary’s fallen for him they can both get their loved ones released. The plan is to manipulate Gideon’s servant who’s been tasked with reporting on Gideon’s progress to believe they’re in love. COMMENCE MY FAVORITE TV TROPE.
Ugh, I am so inconvenienced by this ruse
At Greer’s Inn a certain tiger wielding buccaneer returns in full pirate drunk state. He swaggers up to hit on Greer, grabs her stomach, and discovers she’s pregnant. A+ flirting. Always go straight for the tum—girls love that.
smooth operator
Martin is resoundingly cool about the whole thing (prob not his first rodeo) and offers to send some money and visit a whopping twice a year. Greer, however, is set on adoption—she doesn’t think people like them are worthy of children. Martin is basically like “bitch I’m a pirate, I’m cool AF, but do you.” Then he’s off to canoodle and possibly impregnate another.
Remember in season one when Kenna was forced to marry Bash and cried through the ceremony? Well, Reign pulled that trick again for Claude’s wedding to even more heartbreaking effect.
at least Bash was hot
As could have been predicted, her husband’s a huge asshole. At his home after the wedding, he berates her for embarrassing him by crying at the ceremony and gives her a backhanded slap that draws blood. She momentarily stares at him in fright then screams “THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT THE ROYAL BLOOD OF FRANCE. I AM A PRINCESS” and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. It was seriously amazing and hilarious and Claude is definitely MVP of this season. She then peaces the heck out.
did you just?
oh, HELL nah
Leith runs to Greer for another super mature discussion between exes who know each other so well but simply want the best for each other. It’s crazy. Maybe in ten years I can pretend to have one of these. Until then, I’m content with my “I hope you secretly like me better” thoughts. They come to the conclusion that they’ve switched philosophies: Greer now thinks station doesn’t matter while Leith thinks it’s all that matters.
Gideon shows up to Mary’s chambers to begin their farce. I’m sure we all guessed how this was gonna go, but it doesn’t make it any less enjoyable. They eat where they know Gideon’s servant will see them. It’s luke warm at best but gives us the spectacular moment of Mary laughing at how completely messed up her life is and that basically anyway you break it down she’s screwed. Then it starts to rain.
the universe farts in your general direction
She and Gideon run to a window with a good vantage point for the servant. There, she pushes him down and kisses him quickly. As he sits he pops a pillow which is full of the Duke’s missing gold—of course it is. Another life or death problem for Mary, but that’s to be dealt with later. They kiss again “for show” in a slower, more deliberate way. To no one’s surprise but hopefully everyone’s delight SPARKS ARE FLYING.
I feel nothing, I feel nothing
I FEEL EVERYTHING
After recovering from unexpectedly catching feelings, Mary deals with the issue of the stolen gold. She has her servant Timothy gather it and present it to Catherine with a “SERIOUSLY?” face. Catherine’s excuse is that she was in such a rush, she had nowhere else to put it, so she upholstered it into a pillow as quickly as possible and stashed it at Mary’s. They compare their precarious standing in France, coming to the consensus that they’re both effed. Mary sighs “whatever just don’t tell me what you do with it now.”
What’s that? I’ve never seen it before.
JK it was me
Greer’s younger sister comes to visit because she is the intended recipient of the baby. Due to Greer’s public shame and what not, she’s been forced to marry the first douche bag with a title that came along. He has no money but still feels as entitled as a King aka HE IS THE WORST. Greer insists that the child be raised in a way that they weren’t, with love and support being the most important things. Greer’s sister tries to imply she’s being inconvenienced and Greer lays down the law. “I’m giving you a child you couldn’t have, and I’ve rented you a house your dick husband can’t afford. Go ahead and be nice to this kid. You bet I’m watching.” Go Greer!
be gone, fuckboy
In England, a disguised person poisons Elizabeth’s tea. She has it in hand when William enters to tell her that no one really wants to emergency marry her since she’s been so flakey with proposals before. There’s a lot of tension building over who is going to drink the tea, maybe no one will, maybe William will, oh there goes Liz, nope it’s down, I’ll just drink the goddamn tea, when finally Elizabeth takes a sip.
Mary enters her chambers to find them ransacked by Narcisse, brandishing a disembodied hand. Screw sitting in the dark with a cat waiting for your target, always bring a severed appendage. Apparently Mary’s servant tried to spend one of the stolen coins in town and it was promptly chopped off as punishment. When Narcisse questioned him he broke free of his restraints and jumped from the castle balcony. Narcisse takes this as evidence that Catherine was behind the whole thing, knowing that he committed the su rather than ratting on Catherine, as she would murder his whole family, duh.
I brought dinner!
Mary insists she had nothing to do with it. Narcisse is like “eh whatever you’re still chapping my ass” and banishes her from French Court—she has to be out in a week.
They needed a reason to have Bash in the episode so his job was picking up a beaten Claude from Paris and delivering her back to Court. Her face is not looking great. Upon seeing her, Charles, snaps into protective brother mode. He is incensed and suddenly sees Narcisse for the power hungry manipulator he is. Charles annuls the marriage as it wasn’t consummated, and storms into a secret counsel meeting he wasn’t invited to.
Daddy betrayed me!
He demands the council put Catherine in charge as regent. When they start to complain, Charles assures them that he will come to age eventually, and when he does he will remember this day specifically. Catherine who is “shocked” obviously eagerly agrees to be regent and shows her “generosity” by stating that she’ll keep Narcisse on the privy council. One of the other members calls it a coup and Charles is like,”Idiot it can’t be a coup if I’m already king.”
bow down, bitches
Meanwhile Leith runs to Claude apologizing about how he couldn’t save her. She has no time for that and beams about how the self defense he taught her served so well. Leith can’t handle ever being in this situation again and proposes—sort of. It’s more promise ring stage but that’s ambiguous as well, so let’s call them pseudo-engaged. He is determined to somehow raise in station enough to befit her. Er, she’s a princess, can’t she just like give him a job? It seems like Charles is feeling hella guilty right now. Let’s see if he needs a new Duke.
Mary packs while Greer informs her of all the options she arranged for Mary to stay. How Mary can still refer to Lola as her closest friend is beyond me. Greer has her back and goes above and beyond while Lola just has a baby with Mary’s boyfriend and victim blamed her in season 1 for an attempted rape which I will never forgive. Anyway, Mary worries that none of the properties will be lavish enough to court other royals. Can you imagine showing up to one of those dumps for a first date? Ew.
is there even an ensuite?
Thankfully, Catherine enters as joyous as we’ve ever seen her. She straight up yells, arms open wide, “I AM REGENT!” She tells Mary to stop tripping, she’s not letting her ride or die go anywhere. Mary is thrilled but also questions what happened to the stolen gold. Catherine replies “you were right. Better not for you to know”
Miss France 1560
I wish I didn’t know either. In one of her shadiest moves, Catherine paid Claude’s husband to hit her, knowing it would be a catalyst for Charles to finally take charge. Mom, if you try to pull that ish, know that I see you.
Back in England, Elizabeth and Lola meet again. Elizabeth asks about Lola’s son which seems threatening but it becomes clear Elizabeth just wants to know if the scandal around her own pregnancy would be worth it. Cue the miscarriage.
everyone loves me!
Elizabeth scurries away in pain. We see her next, bedridden, as Robert visits her. She explains that she hid herself to go through it alone in the castle so no one could see—then she cleaned it up herself. For never seeing a speck of blood, Elizabeth describing what happened made it one of the most horrifying miscarriages I’ve watched on TV. I’m constantly in awe of how this show takes who should presumably be our villain and completely humanizes her. I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY. Nonetheless, it is just not possible. With everything that’s happened, she and Robert officially break up for good. They resolve to grieve each other and their baby for the rest of their lives.
Later, a despondent Elizabeth meets with William. She knows she was poisoned. William suggests it was either Lola or Queen Mary but she rejects the accusation. It was an Englishman. The English, her own people, have punished her. The ordeal has softened her a bit though, and she states If she can’t be with who she loves, then she’ll allow someone else to be.
Mary approaches Gideon to celebrate the good news—Elizabeth is delivering Agatha, Gideon’s daughter, to France. In his jubilee, he kisses Mary. Mary is momentarily taken aback before she points out that no matter how well they get along, their countries are still enemies. They share a longing look before she regrettably but firmly says “no.” and the episode ends.
It’s kind of disturbing how easily the writers can make me jump ships. Y’all, who the heck is Francis? All I care about is Gideon and Mary. Throughout it’s run, Reign has broken up pretty much every single “true love” pairing for good, while allowing its characters to fully move on. That is an amazing feat, especially for a “teen” show, and I love looking back on the journey it’s taken us on. Can’t wait to see next week! Until then, I’ll be posting craigslist ads about being a “girlfriend for hire.” May need to work on my wording.
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