Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Eileen had racked up zero screentime in a season and a half so she whipped out the big guns: a past filled with spousal abuse and a sister whose ashes she could spread on camera. Is it terrible that I’m still bored?
The look on my face going into this episode.
Also, Yolanda got boob removal surgery and finally won a prize. Most difficult boob surgery in Planet Fitness/Feng Spa History! Congrats!
Next time I see that piano, I want 14 implants on top of it. You did it, girl!
Kathryn is the new Housewife, and she was basically brought on to yell at Faye Resnik about history from 1994 or some shit. You guys, OJ is over. Please just let it go. The fact that as a society we’re STILL handing Faye buckets of money and attention because she was lucky enough to share dime bags with a dead chick over 20 years ago is just gross.
The internet is already in love with Kathryn, cuz she’s new and we don’t have anything to hate yet. Also cuz we hate Faye. But her tagline is “Don’t hate the game, just marry a player!” Can I hate the player and the game? Cuz I have a feeling I will. No offense lady, but I can’t trust someone who looks like Aviva.
As if to warn us that this is going to be a low rent episode, the editors open with a shot of tourists’ flip flops, converse sneakers and cankles.
Ken and Lisa are shuffling down Santa Monica Boulevard past Motherlode. That’s a gay bar where people who are too fat to get into the Abbey on the weekends go. I know cuz I was just there last Saturday. And the one before that, and so on. I only point this out because it’s right next door to Pump and these fuckers act like they’ve climbed Mount Everest.
No cars allowed on the sidewalk? SINCE WHEN? CALL MOHAMMED, DAHLING!
A couple of stores down from her place is an overpriced sex shop. You could get real dick for what these jokers charge for a plastic one made in China. You see? Reading these recaps is not only educational, it can save you money!
Vanderpump is pissed cuz Ken took over the lease of this place, presumably in his own private West Hollywood Gaynopoly game. Watch out, Koontz hardware! You’re gonna be turned into a tourist trap with black lights and goat cheese balls before 2016 is up.
Lisa is grossed out by the store, which means it’s doing its job. No sex shop is looking for approval from an old English lady. She tells the aging shoptwinks that she’s a gay advocate, but this is just too much. You know sex toys aren’t just for the gays, right? I think she’s getting jealous that her husband can’t stop staring at the giant rubber ass.
Ken wants to open an English tavern. On the gay strip in gay West Hollywood. Will there be strippers? Cuz otherwise fuck off with your twenty dollar drinks and terrible food. You’ve got enough of Main Street ya old queen. Lisa doesn’t wanna work any more, but Ken wants to have a place that Max can be assistant manager at. LOL! That’s so sweet and also so sad. Poor Max can’t even get a manager spot at a pretend place. Bless his stoner heart.
It’s sunset, and Kathryn is driving along PCH with her husband, trying to convince us they’re fabulous. “Remember when we were at West Minister Abbey with the Queen?”, her husband asks. I’m assuming he means Westminster Abbey, but who knows? The only queen here is Donnie, and I’d have nothing but respect for a gold digger that takes her young closet case rich man to the Abbey for some fun. He’s gonna be one unhappy glamper when he finds out Vanderpump is closing the dildo shop around the corner.
Kathryn follows up her “I’m just a Midwestern girl with wholesome values” routine with a trip to her “private” jeweler. Uh huh. I’ll finish this sentence when I return from my private Wendy’s.
It was delicious. Kathryn tries on jewels worth 2-5 mil and tells us Midwestern girls are the backbone of this country. Never heard that before, but you must have a strong back. Lord knows you’ve earned a lot on it. I credit cheese.
Yet another person whose personality is based on the money her husband makes. She’s obnoxious as fuck.
Speaking of, let’s check in on Kyle! Portia’s using a crutch to help learn to skate around Beverly Hills, kinda the way Mauri used Kyle back in the day. So sweet. Kyle’s fake fear of flying, needles, etc, has led to kids that play with crutches as toys, and it’s amazing.
Kyle calls the ladies to invite them all over to a BBQ. Does Fatburger do BBQ now? She invites both Katherine and Faye. “I hope it’s not awkward!” Kyle’s need to deflect any view into her real life by causing drama amongst others is a detestable quality, but it’s good to see her making an effort to make an entertaining episode. She even invites Yolanda, who makes sure there will be handicap rails in case she catches PortiaOneCrutchLyme.
Eileen and her family are going to Italy for two weeks to spread her sister’s ashes. As she tearlessly cries, she tells her niece (sister’s daughter) that she’s transferred the ashes from a ziplock to a compact. LOL. Why the fuck are you crying while telling someone you put their mom in a ziplock? This show is so wrong.
Vince is on his best behavior, which means he’s probably just been approved for a third mortgage to use at the Italian Indian Casino. He tells Eileen he has to bring an extra suitcase and she’s pissed. Then BAM! The suitcase opens and out pops a surprise!
Kidding! Her kid was in the case. Failor Armstrong is not back on the show with her fake ass, even though her storyline is.
Kathryn and Rinna meet for brunch and talk about how they knew each other but don’t know each other. They love fillers and spending money. Um…this is more boring than the “power omelettes” you just ordered. NEXT.
Kyle’s at a store with Faye. Faye wants to make her the same thing she made for Paris in her dressing room in NY! WOWEEEEE! Hopefully it’s a mouthwash holder and a spit bucket. Nope. It’s a tray with vases on it. WTF? If anyone can use this, it’s Eileen. Bitch is traveling the world with a ziplock full of sister.
The real reason we’re here is not to make fun of Faye’s awful taste. She’s best friends with Kyle, so her taste level has already been established. Kyle “warns” her that Kathryn is coming to the FatburgerQ. This is really HARD ON FAYE, you guys! She doesn’t like revisiting the pain! Unless she gets paid for a cooze spread and a tell all. Let’s revisit how uncomfortable this is for the poor dear.
Girls with knees of steel can still feel in their HEARTS, mkay?
Faye isn’t ready to talk about the hurt from 20 years ago. I love that she’s more uncomfortable 20 years later than she was one day after the murder, when she started co-writing a book with a hack from the Enquirer. What. A. Cut Fitness. HATE.
She’ll go to the party, only cuz this was all orchestrated to get her some airtime. Also cuz she likes a Fatburger. She wants to make Kathryn feel comfortable, which is hilarious. You lying about her in your book actually led to her getting on TV 20 something years later. You’re an awful human being, but in the end Kathryn profited, too, so HUGS!
Vince and Eileen are in Italy. Eileen yammers on about her sister’s ashes, as Vince tries to find a grotto with a craps table on the map. She cries and it’s really sad. I have nothing else to say about that. I approve of mourning. I just wish people would do it OFF MY FUCKING TV.
Vince says he’ll be there if she needs him. Just call guesto services o at the casino o and they’ll interrupt the poker tournament at an appropriate time.
Eileen scatters the ashes over the hotel balcony. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I thought you were gonna climb a mountain or some shit. Maybe rent a gondola? WTF? Now the janitor has to deal with this? Eileen has released her guilt, and now has the guilt of covering the family in the room below with her sister. Sad dust horns.
Kyle’s at home getting ready for the party with the line cook from Fatburger. She acts like it’s so kooky and over the top that she’s hired a caterer and shrugs at us all googly eyed. Has Kyle ever thrown a party without a caterer? I do appreciate that she still likes a bargain, though. We’ve seen her throw many a party, and they’ve all been catered as trades for airtime. I wish Kyle would just be her true self for one season so I could like her. Get over yourself and throw a Val-Pak party. You’d be a hero.
Kathryn goes over to Lisa V’s. Hanky, as usual, is standing in front of the statue he thinks is Ken. Kahtryn offers her hand to him, and he looks like he’s gonna strike.
I see you, betch.
Kathryn loves V’s home, but she’s grossed out by the giant piles of swan shit. V starts grilling Kathryn about her age and her husband’s age. Kathryn’s semi-offended. Have any of these women played Trivial Pursuit? They’d probably sue Milton Bradley for slander for the constant ASKING.
Kyle’s party is getting started, and Yoli is still dying of something. You know cuz she’s wearing her “I’m not wearing makeup” makeup and a ponytail.
SplitEndLyme
It’s been ten days since her surgery and she can’t move her arms. She did wear her best white jeans for the event, though. Kyle said this was casual and is wearing a ballgown. LOL. Yoli’s annoyed, but Kyle was given that dress for free by whoever invented the eggplant emoji so she has to wear it on camera.
Erika is annoyed that there’s no BBQ at the BBQ and that she was tricked into wearing jeans. Her shoes cost more than Kyle’s entire house, so that’s enough. Rinna is horrified by Yolanda’s presence cuz she’s talked so much shit about her. Yolanda is not happy. Her roots are already yelling at Rinna, even though her voice doesn’t have the nerve yet.
Kyle questions the non boobage and non polished nails. Yo says she wears no products anymore cuz Lyme. No fillers, botox, etc. The ladies have a good laugh over that one. Yo’s tits may have paved her road to riches, but once she was rich ten times over, they became road blocks. Not having them have become Foster blocks, which I can only imagine has been a positive. A person only needs so much money. I’m sure at one point you’d have to wake up and ask how many horses you need and are they worth being under this mug sweating all over you with his shaky jowels and roasted chicken breath?
Rinna laughs and asks “What about about my fillers? Where are they going?” Yo responds “You’ll know when day heet you brain.” HAHAHAH! Thanks for stopping by.
Vanderpump is in a limo with Kathryn, who says she’s weird around so many women cuz she’s not used to it. V agrees and says she’s a man in a woman’s body. Kathryn is, too! Lisa stops her and says “That’s my saying.” HA. But Kathryn wants to be a man in a woman’s body, too! “No.” Love her.
V waltzes into Kyle’s back yard holding a bottle of her own branded rose. This woman knows how to say “fuck you” in so many ways it’s astounding.
Kathryn sees Faye and, true to Kyle’s badly formed form, had no warning she’d be there. She’s ready to stand up for herself, though. Faye wrote in her terrible book that Kathryn’s husband at the time was boning Nicole Simpson. Kathryn doesn’t deny it, she just tells us she’s mad cuz it was no one’s fucking business. You gotta love people that marry for fame and money then spend their lives like snails on the side of an aquarium sucking shit just to be around shinier fish and then complain about people talking about their asses. Get your ass off the glass.
Faye’s ready for her. There’s no fighting yet, so Kyle says “Faye! Here’s Kathryn who says she’s NEVER MET YOU!” They exchange chilly hellos and Faye says “nice to meet you.” Nice try, Kyle. Thinking she didn’t drop her cue line loudly enough, Kyle tries different wording. “So glad you met cuz Kathryn said SHE’S NEVER MET YOOOOOU! FAYE! NEVER MET OR SEEN KATHRYN! HUGS!”
They both ignore the bait. Kathryn turns her back to Faye to compliment the stilettos that teabagging Don Rickles’ ball sack earned Erika. One of Kyle’s eyes looks at us as the other looks towards the East. “This is awkward.” Not as awkward as you tried to make it. Ya transparent betch.
Kathryn is wary of a fight, but Vanderpump isn’t. She takes one look at Faye and shoves a slider in her mouth. “Mizz Resnick.” She doesn’t appreciate the non warning from Kyle, but she’s not surprised cuz Kyle’s gotta Kyle. She gives a chilly, mouth still chewing “hullo” and walks inside to bitch about Faye to Rinna.
Vanderpump is a smart ass, but she’s not smart at all when it comes to reading a room. She doesn’t even know Rinna hates her ass yet. In her defense, Rinna chirps at everyone like birds greeting Cinderella at the ball, so how could she? Rinna nods and yesses and gives Vanderpump’s dress four stars in her audio Amazon review, but when Faye passes she pulls her over and says “HIYEEEEEE!!! How would you rate your uncomfortable previous transactions with Lisa Vanderpump Sangria TM?”
Subtle. Faye begins by saying she received a free bottle in return for her review just so there aren’t any misconceptions. She explains that she and Vanderpump are very good friends to people who were warring at the time. She was on Kyle’s side and Lisa was on Brandi’s. V cuts in “smart choice that was.” LOL. On both of your parts.
Vanderpump says flat out that Faye came for her and she didn’t appreciate it. Faye speaks in her “oh, you poor one legged baby mongoose about to be put down” voice. We just BOTH need to let things stay in the past cuz we’re adults and it’s time to move on, hon!
V tells us these women are amazing. They come for you, stab and stab and stab and then say “Let’s move on!” She says she’d wanna just move on if she were Faye, too. HAHAH! “I’ve allowed us both to move on.” Atta girl.
Kyle comes in and asks who Vanderpump is being a bitch to and then tells us “This is awkward.” Again. It’s like Kyle has never been to a Kyle party. Just to bring the awkward theme home, Yoli is leaving cuz PanchoLyme. Rinna, like she just found out the entire world has leaky vaginas and she’s got stock options in Depends, smiles big and tells Yoli they should catch up and go to lunch sometime! Yoli doesn’t need to catch anything else and she doesn’t eat lunch. She nods and drags her stank ass white jeans back to Daveed My Love’s bachelor fuck pad.
Kyle has done everything in her limited power to start shit and nothing has happened. Don’t worry, though, she’s assigned seating. Faye and Kathryn are put across from each other. Kyle is so inept at committing crimes she could do season 3 of Fargo all by her damn self.
She is sitting next to Erika, and she’s already loaded Rinna up with ammo to be used against Yo, so she makes sure to open the next segment up by telling Erika how gorgeous Yo looks. Rinna is way better at taking a cue than Faye….and she’s off!
Yoli’s been gone for five minutes and Rinna feels so terrible about saying stuff about her. SO Erika! How long you known Yo? When she met Daveed My Love? Did she have FosterLyme? When did it start? What were the symptoms? Does she have it now? Did her implants have it? Did they test positive or were they faking? Cuz faking falsies, amIright? The chickens are all a cluckin’, and Erika’s horrified.
Vanderpump is rolling her eyes and looking around for a waiter to bring the check. Unfortunately, there are no waiters at Fatburger.
Rinna is still going. People are talking! Her InstaLyme is ridonk! Erika isn’t biting. She just gives them all a disgusted look. She’s over it. When the Todders and Tiaras wigged ho fingering her cornhole on YouTube with her grandpa husband’s money looks like the sane watcher, you know shit has gone off the rails.
I’m prepared to hate Erika in the future cuz I feel it coming, but she’s playing this like a pro so far. She resists the bait and leaves Rinna floundering. Kyle tries to keep the game on and asks Vanderpump what Mohammed thinks about Yo telling the world her non Gigi children now how Lyme, too. Lisa is kinda shruggy and “oh sweet Jesus I’d rather be stuck listening to an audiobook read by Kristen Doute”y. She says Mohammed hasn’t told her the kids have it, and Kyle pesters. “So he said no?” No, he just hasn’t said they do. If Yolanda says it then it’s true…”But what does Mohammed say?”
Lisa says “No.” Kyle: so he said they didn’t have it and Yolanda’s full of shit? No…V says MoHam is one of her best friends and she’s not comfortable talking about his kids. “So he says they don’t have it?” FUCKIN A, Kyle.
Vanderpump tells Kyle straight up that she’s not gonna talk about it so STFU. Kyle tries literally three more times. V refuses and shuts it down. I hope they get Bravo in Italy so Eileen can fucking learn something, here.
Rinna tells us that it’s nuts that the ex is saying one thing and Yoli’s saying another. “I’m not gonna touch that with a ten foot pole!” No, but you’ll poke it with a ten foot pole. Over and over and over again. You’ve fucking served it on a platter like five out of nine episodes, Rinna! Please. Kyle repeats Rinna’s words in a less interesting, more crosseyed way. These bitches are too much.
Look, I think Yolanda is full of shit, too. It’s one thing to not believe someone. It’s another to bring it up publicly at every party you go to for the entire table to laugh about and marvel at. Gross. Both of you. Why doesn’t someone ask Kyle what disease prevents her from buying the correct bra size so she can say it’s Kim Twitchardsitis and cry about how second rate she feels? That’s entertainment.
Rinna and Kyle have made total asses of themselves and Vanderpump and Erika just wanna go home at this point. Kyle, determined to have a decent friend breakup at her party, moves right on to the next topic. “Who’s been in Playboy?” Faye just glares at her like “I offered to spray paint a Paris tray for you and look what you’ve done.” She excuses herself while Camille tries to explain in Camille-English that she only posed in lingerie. “I…underwe…berboopbeepboopKELSEY”.
Just to make sure shit can be stirred while she’s away, Kyle has a city bus wrapped in an OJ SIMPSON TRIAL miniseries ad drive through the yard.
Kathryn’s fuming, man! Faye wrote some shit book after her supposed best friend died and talked about Kathryn! Erika, bored, asks her what the book said. Kathryn doesn’t know, cuz she didn’t read it. HAHAHAHAHA. Erika resists rolling her eyes to K’s face, but tells us it’s kinda dumb to show up to a fight not prepared. The book’s been out for twenty damn years. Erika is winning this show.
Kathryn continues her big talk while Faye’s not there. “Don’t say you don’t know me if you don’t KNOW ME!” Vanderpump rolls her eyes again. Erika needs to give Vanderpump a chance, cuz they’d make an amazing eye rolling team.
When Faye and Kyle return to the table, Erika is with them. In other words, Faye knows it’s time and she’s taken a Xanax.
Kathryn announces that she’s ready for her first fight. She tells Faye loudly that she wants to address the elephant in the room. No one has anything to say to Kyle, so she moves on. She is mad that Faye wrote something in a book about her cuz Kathryn hates books and it’s not fair.
Faye just nods and looks at her with that “your daddy left us because of you but don’t feel guilty even though you literally are” sad way. She lets her talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. Rinna takes a sip of water. Kyle smiles like she’s a winning hand at cards.
OLD MAID
Finally Faye, as if talking to a puppy about to be put down, says that she’s very uncomfortable talking about those painful times. She’s had bad knees ever since the Playboy shoot and talk of Nicole stiffens up her joints.
Kathryn tries to keep it up, but she doesn’t have any idea what she’s fighting about cuz she never read the book. And now I actually believe that she hasn’t, because she’s looking so stupid and confused. What a fucking moron. Faye says it’s time to move on. She tells the entire table that “if I’ve done anything to offend anyone, I’m sorry. Truly. I am.” For whatever random things you may be mad at out of insecurity or what not.
Kathryn is mad because her name would never had been associated with OJ had Faye not associated it, but it also made her famous so you’ll get an apology when you learn how to say thank you. Faye asks “Do you feel better?” in the most condescending way ever, and Kathryn, not getting it (I sense a trend) nods. “Yeah. Kinda.”
HAHAHAHAH. Idiot. What’s the point of drudging up old slags from the OJ trial if they’re all gonna be too pussy to behead each other?
Kathryn acts tough when she tells us “I will NEVER be friends with Faye Resnick!” Or books. Or even samples of books on the iPhone.
Cut back to the table. Faye, still calm, says “You look beautiful, by the way.” She says it in her Christina Aguilera “You are beautiful, no matter what they say (cuz they call you gross and ugly and stuff)” way. Kathryn’s confused, Vanderpump’s asleep, and worst of all…
Faye has won.
She looks over at Kyle and gives her a bucktoothed smile.
I co-host the Watch What Crappens podcast twice a week. Find it on iTunes Sticher Soundcloud or any other podcast app. I’m on twitter @RonnieKaram, so feel free to talk it out.