YEE HAW Everyone! We are coming to you straight from the swamp, where the bayou bounces till dawn! We are going down past the Mason Dixon to get a little nutty, slightly slutty and always ugly with the crew from Party Down South. This is the fifth and final season and the team of good ol’ boys and gals are setting up slop- er, shop- in Savannah, Georgia.
Before we get into the antics, we have to discuss Party Down South as a show as well as my odd little relationship to it. Don’t worry, brevity and Michael are my middle names.
Have you heard of Party Down South? No one I know has. In Manhattan, where I live, Country Music Television airs on channel 263. This is past all the normal schlock like QVC and Discovery and even ABC Family and the Disney package. This is cable graveyard. In the tri-state area there must be at least three dozen viewers. But what the Northeast may lack in Nielson numbers, the South more than carries its weight. Party Down South is a corn fed, bonafide hit. Season three attracted nearly 3 million total weekly viewers across all platforms. Actual viewers were like 700,000 per episode- not bad. Not Housewives numbers but definitely respectable and if you are CMT, those are outstanding.
As we move into the final season, there are several remarkable things about Party Down South and its cast of characters. As a whole, they are a good group and this is a cast with personal history. The are all from the deep south but many have grown up in the same towns. So there is drama in the off season that always carries into the filming- which are always short seasons of just a month of filming. But they always remain true to their roots. They have stuck together and only lost one cast member, and in Season 3, Hannah “Hot Dogg” joined. Despite going into the fifth season of a popular show they live exactly like they always have. Walt lives in a towable trailer parked on someone’s property! Granted CMT is not paying what Jersey Shore got but it is interesting to note that the show is produced by the same people: 495 Productions.
I guess what I am saying is that this is a very authentic cast. And NONE of them has changed since season 1. Daddy was always ridiculous (and yes, now, he sells his own brand of drink funnel) but at his core he is still the same person. Also when the cast goes out, you don’t see mobs of people who recognize them. The most any of them have is 87,000 Twitter followers. For a Northerner watching it, it is fascinating. I like seeing them drive to the absolute ass end of nowhere to pick up someone who still lives with his parents and wears camouflage as a normal, everyday pattern. I like this cast and now I am your recapper. I have a lot of strong opinions and I know a lot of history about the cast and their assorted shenanigans which will come out as the season progresses. Let’s get ‘er done (last time I will ever say that).
We open the season with, what else, the same intro the other previous seasons. No need to CMT to change catchphrases even when they don’t fit. Take Mattie: her tagline is “Look out boys, I’m comin’ for you!” But Mattie has yet to bring any guys home in at least 4 seasons. Maybe that happened once in the 1st season (I don’t know) but Mattie usually gets too wasted and turns into “Martha” a raving lunatic. Also, she has never mentions a boyfriend or getting any action.
Why are the pretty ones always insane?
PDS kicks off in Louisiana with Mattie, who is still single and now doing yoga to remain calm. CMT plays cheesy Indian music over her doing yoga poses…so basic. Mattie says that we will be seeing a lot less Martha. To be determined.
Because you have bad taste in guys?
Now we go to Eunice, Louisiana where the camera zooms in on a fat pig sleeping on a porch. No, we are not meeting Lauren. This is Tiffany’s home and she has her boyfriend, a camo wearing offshore oil worker named Bubba, load her suitcase into the pickup. They feed a baby deer as Bubba tells her to be safe. Lauren pulls up and declares that she is single and the two of them take off, leaving Bubba to blend into the bushes.
That couch now smells like Taco Bell sweat
Onto Louise, Mississippi where Murray, the large one who wears all USA-flag gear, is asking his mom how many chicks he should hook up with. Given the assorted grotesques he has brought home in the past, Mom’s answer of 50 constitutes one hell of a harem. It should be noted that Murray has a lot of tattoos (they all have ink) but he has one that says “Tattoo” across his chest. Sigh. A bit too literal for my tastes.
My Tofu Don’t Want None, Unless It Got Silicone Free Buns, Hun
Cut to Orange Beach, Alabama where Hot Dogg is packing bikinis. She is dating a guy named Cody, who Tiffany does not like because he was cheating on a friend of hers with Hot Dogg. They fought last season and now they are friends. Hot Dogg is friends with Mattie, who got her on the show. Hannah got a boob job after her first season when she hooked up with Daddy. Who happens to be the one picking her up. HA! Hannah says goodbye and hops onto Daddy’s gearshift.
Beep! Daddy’s Home!
And now to Pineville, Louisiana to meet Lyle Boudreaux and his recently engaged (spoiler alert: season 4) lover Santana. Pineville is cleanest city in the state for 6 of the last 9 years. So it has that going for it. For some reason, Boudreaux, as he likes to be called, is wearing a wedding ring. The behind-the-scenes- gossip is that Tiffany and Lauren know that Santana cheated on Lyle during filming last year but he doesn’t know it yet. This is going to be a major source of conflict this season, and reinforces why it is great that they know each other in the off season.
I wear duck calls around my neck. That tidbit should speaks volumes.
The taxi pulls up on a dirt road to pick him up and we go to a trailer in Merigold, Mississippi to meet Walt. I like Walt. Couple things about him: he is a horn dog, though not as bad as Daddy, he always and I mean always wears a white t-shirt, and he can dance very well which helps him with the women. Also, we find out he can play guitar for the first time since we met him. Lastly, I always have had this fantasy of taking Walt to a men’s salon where someone will clean up his beard and hair and make him the lady killer he was born to be.
Boot Scootin’
Murray picks up Walt and off they go with a shout. Murry wonders how long it will take before Daddy destroys the house. Lauren (who is from Santana’s hometown) and Tiffany are bitching about Santana. Tiffany cannot stand her. We go to commercials with that hanging over the season.
When we get back, the cast arrives in Savannah. They are put off by the nice houses and well-to-do people. Walt and Murray arrive first and Murray remarks that they will have to wear britches when they walk around inside the house due to all the windows. BRITCHES! Walt is convinced they are going to destroy the place. They notice a pig in the yard and beer in the fridge. They waste no time popping some cold ones. Hot Dogg and Daddy arrive next and it is hugs all around. Daddy shows up with like 8 funnels and seemingly no luggage. HAHAHA!
Mattie charges into the house next. Hot Dogg is so happy to see her. Mattie is going through some family issues at home with lots of sick people so she is happy to be on vacation. She freaks out at the cheeseburger phone which is pretty neat and is all big smiles.
Tiffany and Lauren scream up next. They get to drinking and Tiffany notices the piglets and runs over. Tiffany is a backwoods Barbie. I really like her and she is the alpha female of the house. My ONLY thing, is that her accent is fucking horrendous. She has really flat vowels so her tagline sounds like WE AHRE GONNAW SHOOWW EVWERYWONE WHAAT BEING FRAHM THE SOUTH IS ABAWT.”
Boudreaux arrives last toting a big body pillow that smells of Santana’s perfume and desperation and a leopard print duffel bag. Squeezing that pillow tight, we exit light and go to commercials.
When we get back, they are wasted. They are shooting booze and Mattie is in a cheeseburger costume. Just like a low rent Jersey Shore, they are cooking while intoxicated. Beudreaux is grilling chicken and now it is nighttime. Daddy is in the pool absolutely hammered and Lauren is already passed out. Daddy is already ruining the pool by throwing up. Mattie is gagging like Vicki from RHOC. They both do that when they want attention.
Then Daddy makes a fatal mistake. He drunkenly slurs at Mattie, for no reason, and calls her Martha. Everyone waits for the other shoe to drop. Mattie remains calm smoking a cigarette behind the outside bar. Daddy is smoking a cig in the pool, which is such trash behavior. I love it. Also, this cast smokes. Like, all of them. Keeping it authentic. Gross, but authentic.
Ash and vomit in the pool on night 1. Quite an achievement.
Murray checks on Mattie who is upset. It is like an unspoken rule, you don’t get Gremlins wet. Also, you don’t call Mattie “Martha.” Murray is mad at Daddy but thankfully Mattie stays calm and semi-normal. Daddy wants to unleash hell in Savannah. Mattie picks up a “Daddy Hard” funnel and Daddy calls her Martha one more time as he encourages her to chug yet one more beer. Mattie still remains calm.
Daddy realizes that it is only 9:30pm and tries to rally the troops. Puking in the pool must have happened around like 8pm. That is wayyyyy early for pool vomit. Nobody wants to go out but they tell Daddy to get ready to go out so they can prank him. But for Daddy, instead of walking around in boxers, he just puts on jeans and a tank top and brushes his teeth. Well, they are not that bright so this is high quality prankage. Again, if this were Jersey Shore it would be funnier. Because they had hair rituals. Murray is honking the horn of their car and screaming that the cabs are here. Daddy can’t find his shoes and everyone tells Daddy that the cab drivers got pissed and left after waiting. Mattie pretends to “go Martha” and starts screaming and overturning small furniture.
Daddy gets upset and they reveal the trick. Pass the Oscar. And a shot.
The next groggy morning, they strut into the kitchen in various states of dress. Daddy comes down wearing his going out clothes, Walt has on a white t shirt, and Murray is shirtless (and slightly horrifying). Daddy does not remember the prank. He blacks out a lot. He will 100% be a 45 year old with frosted tips at the bar by himself…but having a grand old time. No matter how sloppy he gets, Daddy has proven that he is a good friend and actually cares about people.
Lyle calls Santana and asks her if she needs any money because she just got a new bartending job. Santana does that thing girls do to make guys jealous and says “Tons of guys were hitting on me all night.” Which only serves to make Lyle worried- especially because he says he is hearing stories. Then there is some muddled drawl about Snapchat and some guy named Brandon and something about a name change. I am too old to decipher this shit. At least he has to talk on the burger phone. 
I need to know. Did anyone put their beef in your buns?
Lyle is very concerned and I am too. Something is afoot. Santana reassures him and they part with love yous. He goes to talk to Lauren who is doing her makeup on the floor. Lauren says in a cutaway that he was the guy who she heard Santana cheated on Lyle with. Whatever.
Onto more PARTYING DOWN SOUTH. They are going out for the first night out. Lauren is curling her hair and Tiffany says she is getting more dressed up, which means jeans with sequins. They go to some place called Social Club on Congress Street. A lot of guys seem to be talking to the cast, especially Walt. Some schmuck talks about how much he hates his welding job. Walt goes on the hunt and no sooner does he take two steps, some blond idiot asks him if he is in a relationship. Things are looking up. Like his penis.
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! Tiffany tells Lyle to put hairspray in his beard. Heh heh. Tiffany is worried though that she will spill the beans. Lyle is ready to go home because he is upset. The cast comes with him. The girls ask how the two of them are doing. Lyle is talking about Santana and how much he loves her. PERFECT FUCKING TIMING FOR TIFFANY TO DROP A NUCLEAR BOMB!
This is never not funny
Like a slow motion train crash, Tiffany spins around in the passenger seat and starts by telling Lyle how much she loves him. And how much of a friend she is. But Santana is shady. Tiffany tells him that she cheated on him the week before you got engaged and that she is still doing it. The episode ends with Lyle crying by the pool in a preview for next week and lots of shots of drinking and fighting. Good, that is what we came all the way into the cable wasteland to see.
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