Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Subtitle: People are Not Chia Pets!
Grab some wine and thank your partner for being a regular human being, it’s time for Newlyweds!!
Last week: Craig and Brandon were adults. Rob #1 was emotionally destructive to his wife on a holiday. Ro talked to her dad. Adonis’s father returned. Erica was mad.
This week we start in Jersey. Ro has been talking to her dad again. There seems to be a discrepancy about how long it has been since they spoke. Sometimes she says 10 years and sometimes 20 years. Rob just wants to know what in the eff she even wants out of this guy.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Do I still have to care about this??
Rob speaking for the producers suggests that she should go to England and see her father. And he should go… too? (He stumbles over reading the cue cards here). Their conversations are the fakest among any of these people. They might have happened, but the filmed version has producer fingerprints allllll over it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Hold it still!!
So Rob and Ro get a show-funded vacation. Good call, guys. I change my mind about exploiting this for television. Exploit away for a free trip!
In the house that cheating built, Erica calls her sister. Erica and Adonis got into a huge fight, which somehow we don’t get to see. GRRRR! She got so angry that she drove off from a gas station with the gas pump still attached to her car.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Adulting is hard.
Her sister, who suffers from sickle cell anemia, yells at Erica for not calling her when she is angry. I support this. Perhaps your sister can make you leave Adonis and find you a nice hot man.
It’s morning time at Craig and Brandon’s:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Fabulously fluffy. I, meanwhile, wake up like a sweaty snowbeast every morning.
This week, the boys are going to be tiny dog washing and taking Brandon to the doctor. Brandon has gynecomastia, aka too much in the boob department, and is getting the excess tissue removed.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Perfection will be achieved.
Not only will Brandon look even better, but he will be removing chances of breast cancer. Yay!
Apparently this couple has been told that Brandon is the ugly one in the relationship. Boo!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Cute people with awesome sex lives don’t have to care about anything.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Craig is never not exercising. He needs to be my trainer.
Craig pledges to take care of Brandon during this time and guard him physically and emotionally.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
They are SO CUTE.
The editors pop my smile balloon and deliver us back to bummerville: the land of Rob #1 and Tara. Tara is punishing Rob through renovations wants to redo the house.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
That buddy who said the young ones just do as they are told and just want to have sex and then not talk is dead to me.
Tara wants to remove the “bad energy” from the house. Ahhh I get it. She wants to remove all of the ex-wife cooties. Tara is following in the time-honored Bravo tradition of subsequent wives throwing out stuff bought by the past wives.
Rob wants to keep having sex with his wife, but he also wants to be the boss. Thus, he agrees to alter 90% of the house. Someone please call King Solomon in and have him calculate what 90% of a sofa is.
Erica’s sister is sick and in the hospital. Sadly, all Erica has to support her during this time is:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
“Mind if I cop a squat?”
A quick google shows me that the cop a squat v. pop a squat debate is a raging one that I barely care about… But cop a squat sounds like Adonis is stealing a place to sit. He does that sometimes.
Rob and Tara are moving crap around to redo the house.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I haaaaaaaaate this.
Tara is angling to live in a hotel during the construction. Rob is not having any of that. He also hates packing because he is rich and wants his rich person stuff displayed on television.
Rob and Ro are in England. They go to all the tourist destinations to prove that Ro lived there and is thus not a tourist.
Brandon goes in for surgery. Craig is terrified of the medical equipment, but loves Brandon’s nails.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I love a good painted nail on a man.
Brandon is concerned about Craig’s ability to be a caretaker. Craig dispels all concern by squealing and refusing to look at any of the gross stuff. So I’m guessing he will be outside the delivery room for their baby’s birth.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The ultimate recycling of fat parts.
Craig gets so emotional into his camera that he shuts it off. Naturally, I also tear up. Craig will be take care of Brandon just fine, he clearly cares so much for him.
Erica and Adonis are off to pick up her sister’s child, Ayden. Adonis is already bitching about it. Erica discusses the possibility of taking care of Ayden if anything happens to Marina. I assume that this is already worked out.
Adonis is not pleased. It seems Adonis had a bad influence in his father and his father’s many many baby mamas. Allow me a moment to pick my jaw up off the floor because this just seems so out of his character!
Speaking of Adonis’s character, he enters the hospital room, jokes that Marina is a faker, and asks about the food.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Ayden is 12 kinds of cute. The man behind him was hoping there would be more babes in this hospital.
Brandon is out of surgery and looks rough. He slips into my favorite role, the sick person who must be waited on or else she will cry. Or at least that is my not-feeling-well personality. He pulls some truly impressive moves like complaining about the temperature of sheets. I took notes. Luckily, Mr. Likelady and Craig are a sainted men.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
FRAZZLED
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Also- excellent caretaker.
Brandon’s surgery corset is a lacey lingerie corset. That’s it. I bow down to these two. They win at life, even in a time of difficulty.
Tara and Rob’s boring construction drama is too much. I go to HGTV for that, not Bravo.
Adonis and Erica watch Ayden:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Perfect. Feed the ducks that are 4 feet from your house and watch how fast everything near you is covered in duck poop.
Ro meets up with her father:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
It’s awkward. Even the waiter is uncomfortable.
Ro asks her father why he was out of her life for so long. His answer is that he wanted to give her a stable life after her mother took her back to the U.S. I think that between him and her mom, it seems like there is a big chunk of this story that we are missing. I’m curious.
They agree to meet up again, this time with douchehusband Rob.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Aw. Awkward interactions.
The editors have taken to playing angry music when it is Rob and Tara time. I love it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The contractors ripped out the entire bathroom. Everyone caught up?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Do we get to stay at a hotel??
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I’m going to punch a hole in the construction workers first.
So much drama from Rob for an ordinary unexpected construction annoyance. Maybe you should be more clear with those you hire/marry?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
That’s our girl.
Back at Craig and Brandon’s, Brandon’s mom comes to visit.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
He’s doing fine.
Brandon’s mom says off-handedly that she is there to take the pressure off of one son and put it all onto mom. I immediately cry. Craig and I really should be friends. I have a hair-trigger of a crying reflex. But mine is less fabulous.
Mrs. Brandon’s Mom is concern about his face.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Exactly.
Ro wants Rob to meet her dad. Rob is cranky because damnit this will affect him too.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
It’s always about me. Always.
Now try not to pee yourselves, but: Rob doesn’t think Ro’s father is much of a man. HAHAHAAH Because Rob is so good at identifying good men.
See: “You know where the courthouse is,” two months into marriage.
Brandon’s pathology comes back negative!! No cancer and all he has to do is heal up!
Elsewhere, it is awkward family picnic time:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Ayden is sent to play with Adonis. Both look displeased about this arrangement. Erica awkwardly brings up who Marina plans entrust with the care of Ayden if the very worst should happen. Except that this comes out: if you die can we just like have him?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
That’s rather forward.
Marina suggests that this might be another strain on Adonis and Erica’s relationship. Translation: My kid does not need to be more messed up if I die, so thanks, but the thought makes me sob?
This conversation is so awkward and worded so creepily. I mean healthy parents have a plan for their children if something happens to them. I’m certain that a woman with a chronic illness also has a plan and I certainly hope it does not involve Adonis.
Elsewhere awkward,
Rob and Ro meet up with her dad.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Ugh. This, again? We already talked about her!
The men make it clear that the most important meeting this weekend is between the two of them. Poor Ro.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
This is my whole life.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
A battle of wits you say? How about yells?
Rob takes an awkward situation and makes it worse by bluntly saying all of things that Ro and HER FATHER should be discussing themselves. There is literally no growth if someone tries to grow you for you. People are not Chia pets!
And with that profound, if I do say so myself, statement, I leave you here. Next week looks like a huge mess. Tears and cheats and the angry Robs!! I’m excited. I’ll see you all then ☺
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!