Hey all you trash talkers! Welcome back to another week of Dance Moms. Unfortunately, Abby crawled out from her watery, hell-soaked layer in the depths of the sea and is back to screaming at the girls again. Those poor, unfortunate souls. For those of you who don’t remember, Abby was MIA last week and everyone still did amazing and won almost every dance they performed, so basically Abby is useless and except for the fact that they need to use her studio space to rehearse. Oh and also all of the moms are weirdly devoted to her despite constantly talking shit as we will explore this episode.
The episodes starts with the moms back in Abby’s studio where they discuss learning through social media that Abby had been teaching classes in the previous week when she was “resigned”. Holly asks Abby if she is back and Abby says, “eh (pause) no” and so Holly responds with threats to go and use Debbie Allen’s dance studio if Abby is going to resign. Abby doesn’t seem to care and claims she never actually resigned, but rather went on a vacation. The moms argue that she clearly stated her resignation. Abby gets a puzzled look on her face and tried to act like she doesn’t know what they are talking about and she is really bad at lying. If her crappy back pedaling skills shown here are any indication of how she will act during her trial, Abby is due for a swift kick in the ass by Lady Justice and I can’t wait to see that. Despite being abandoned and continuously lied to by Abby, Holly for some reason says she is devoted to her even though she isn’t devoted to them. I’m so confused, wasn’t she considering leaving last week but now she is devoted? Holly is supposed to be the smart one! The smart educator who abandoned her job to sit on a bench and watch her kid dance all day long! This show is so stupid and my brain hurts.
Everyone asks if she saw their performances last week and Abby responds, “I did, I saw the people who BEAT you!” Since everyone won last week except for Kendall and Brynn, I’m assuming she is talking about them. Jill is quick to throw Ashlee under the bus and blame her for the loss but we all know they lost because KENDALL FUCKING SUUUUCKS.
Abby begins to reveal everyone’s place on the pyramid and I am so bummed out to see that the minis are now being included. Ugh, I thought them and their mini moms were going to be a quick one, maybe two, episode guest appearance but I’m afraid they might stick around for the long haul. God damnet, do I need to finally learn everyone else’s names now? The minis are like when a sitcom introduces a new baby in the 5th season when ratings start to die and then the baby grows 5 years by the next season and then the show completely croaks the next season. They’re like that shitty cousin on The Brady Bunch, which might be a good thing, since he killed that show. Maybe Dance Moms is on its last legs and the minis are the baseball bat used to shatter the knees. Fingers crossed!
Anyways, Peyton is on the bottom of the pyramid because her mom said “dumb fuck” last week and Abby advises Peyton to clean her mom’s mouth out with soap. The other three minis fill out the rest of the bottom line basically for being small and less experienced and all four are left scratching their heads on how to improve at not being small kids with stupid moms.
Jojo is last on the second tier and Abby explains it is because she is adaptable and a team player and basically awesome so why the FUCK is she not on the top of the pyramid? Jojo takes this in stride and reasons that at least she isn’t on the dead bottom with the minis because she is a beautiful angel who always makes the most out of any situation. Brynn, Kendall, Kalani, and Nia fill out the rest of the middle spots and rather than taking her usual (and understandable) route of insulting Kendall’s existence, Abby focuses on the fact that she doesn’t think Nia did her best in her African dance duet. This is totally unwarranted because they won and it was a genre of dance they have very little experience with. Holly begins to argue this but Abby explains that because Nia is African American, she should be genetically designed to give perfect African dance performances. Holly absolutely loses her shit and has good reason and Abby tries to downplay it even though what she said was pretty fucked up. Mackenzie is on the top of the pyramid this week because she had fun with the performance and I am convinced Abby comes up with these reasons a few minutes before shooting just like I would do my homework 20 minutes before algebra in high school.
Abby reveals that the minis will be doing a group dance called “Cavemen Undercover” which sounds more like a Disney channel show rather than a title of a dance. She also reveals that a fifth mini will be joining the team and is late. Abby is already clearly pissed and no doubt will handle this situation like the sad, depressed monster we see on our screens every Tuesday night.
The other girls will be doing a lyrical for their group number called “Better off Now” and the girls are all excited to be going back to their lyrical roots. Brynn will have the lead in the dance and Abby explains that if they lose, it’s all Brynn’s fault. Jill, always on the hunt for an excuse to tattle on Ashlee, says that according to Ashlee, it’s never Brynn’s fault. No one really responds to it because they, like the rest of America, are getting tired of Jill’s stupid face and mouth.
One of the minis, Alysa, will have a solo called “Fever Rising” and her mom Mary starts talking about how she sacrificed EVERYTHING so her daughter could follow her dream and blah, blah, blah.
Holly expresses that she is happy that Abby is back but is worried she will abandon them again and everyone will be forced to do just fine without her like they usually do.
The girls are rehearsing “Better off Now” and Abby explains the name of the title was inspired by Brynn apparently leaving ALDC in a past season but then coming back. And so I guess she is better off now being back where her mom can get in stupid playground fights.
Speaking of playground fights, Ashlee happily shares with Jill the comments that are made on an uploaded video of Kendall and Brynn’s performance from last week. The comments agreeably state that Kendall is a total bore and Jill responds with “fuck you” and calls Ashlee fat. Ashlee shoots back with “well at least I’m not old!” Ladies, ladies, ladies, please, neither one of you are fat or old. You’re both just very painfully stupid and make lame arguments. You can do better than that, make fun of Ashlee’s dead eyes or Jill’s dead brain.
While rehearsing their “Cavemen Undercover” dance, Abby explains she came up with the title because they’re not men, they’re little girls, so they’re undercover. Like, duh, as if it wasn’t obvious enough. The new mini and mini mom finally come strolling in and we and the rest of the gang are introduced to Lynn and her daughter, Kendyl. My soul dies a little bit because I am predicting some unnecessary issues being made by Jill regarding the fact that Kendall and Kendyl have the same name. Not missing a beat, Jill chimes in with “I have a Kendall, too!” but quickly follows it with “there is only room for ONE Kendall”. Well, you’re in luck, Jill. Kendyl spells her name like a sad stripper so technically there is only one Kendall.
Obviously Abby is not pleased that Lynn is so late and we all know Abby loves taking out her anger on others rather than facing the demons that torture her daily so of course she freaks out at Lynn. She is screaming that 12,000 kids want to be in their dance team, get the fuck out of here, and she will have her secretary call Lynn. A defeated Lynn leaves the room. Welcome to the group, Lynn!
It is two days until competition and Ashlee, Holly, and Jessalynn are outside talking and Ashlee can’t understand why everyone is always picking on her and Brynn. Holly and Jessalynn try to explain for the millionth time that their group dynamic is very fragile and maybe she should earn her place in the crazy dance mom group before acting like a crazy dance mom. Not listening to anything they’re saying, Ashlee continues to whine about how she can’t say anything without being attacked and Holly is like “oh my god shut the fuck up dude, you are so hard-headed and stubborn.”
Lynn comes back and tries to get Kendyl in the group again Abby is still not having it and dismisses her again. While Abby is rehearsing with Alysa for her solo, Lynn, apparently having the memory span of a goldfish, comes back and asks for a third time if Kendyl can join the group. If you can believe it, Abby loses her temper and acts like Lynn ate her leftovers she was looking forward to eating after work. Lynn is crying now and the mini moms try to keep her spirits up and tell her they want her to keep fighting for a spot because they need a fifth dancer want her there. Melissa smugly tells Lynn to get used to it and is acting like a dick because she’s feeling semi confident that day. The other moms are like “you just gotta deal with it and act like this is normal and stay in the abusive environment just like the rest of us have”.
Can we dance with you now? No? How about now?
Lynn explains she is just trying to keep her daughter safe and Melissa is like “ha! Safe? Don’t let Abby hear you say that word or you’ll be gone.” Ugh, Melissa is so fucking annoying with all of her unearned confidence. What’s worse than a spoiled rich kid who acts super cocky because their parents have handsome salaries? A stupid useless mom who rides on the coattails of their daughter’s talents. The moms are all talking about Lynn like she’s trying to destroy the group and I am so confused because it honestly just looks like she wants her kid on the team. Finally, Abby lets Kendyl join the group after her mom had to beg and kiss her ring for three days.
The girls are rehearsing their group number “Better off Now” and a worried Ashlee is talking about how if the group fails, it will all be on Brynn’s shoulders. A raspy-voiced Jill surprisingly assures her it won’t be her fault in their eyes and I can’t keep any of these moms straight. One moment they hate each other and are constantly stabbing the other in the back and then next they’re all acting like humans. Even though she is being nice, I hope Jill is losing her voice so we don’t have to listen to it. Maybe she sold her voice to sea with Abby and it’s just taking a while for the transfer.
It’s the day of the competition and Jill is curious why there aren’t any screaming crowds greeting them at the door. Jessalynn thinks that Abby’s bad press is keeping people away, but maybe they just recognized that this is a stupid show on Lifetime and their time would be better spent actually having lives. The support shown in the last scene was very short-lived as the moms are now back to talking to Abby about the other moms as if they weren’t in the exact same room listening to them talk. This is the weirdest group dynamic, it’s like they’re all a bunch of competitive sisters with a mom who hates them yet they all worship her and fight for her attention.
Alysa does her solo “Fever Rising” and basically just makes a ton of duck faces the whole time. The dance was pretty good but also kind of boring but I guess we can let it slide since she probably can’t even read yet.
Afterwards, Melissa is kissing Mary’s ass about how well Alysa did in her dance. Lynn randomly asks Melissa how long Mackenzie has been doing cutesy dance moves with duck faces and Melissa is like “we’re not talking about Mackenzie” and is acting super offended. The other moms are all getting really upset as well and I am again thoroughly confused about why everyone is getting so easily annoyed by Lynn because she has barely said a word the whole episode. Peyton’s mom is especially upset that Lynn is talking about Mackenzie but we all know she is just trying to get back in everyone’s good graces after her “dumb fuck” episode last week. Lynn is understandably very confused and I don’t blame her. What the fuck is going on, can someone please help explain?
Everyone is getting ready for their respective group dances and the minis are dressed like little Lisa Frank prostitute cavemen. Excuse me, little Lisa Frank prostitute UNDERCOVER cavemen. One of the mini moms is worried that the dance won’t be good enough for them to win, resulting in them not being invited to stay with Abby and grow up being abused by her. The mini’s group is going well until Kendyl drops her prop and Abby immediately mutters “goodbye” under her breath. Aw well, Kendyl, you had a good 24 hour run and did the best your tiny little self could. Nice know ya, toots.
Hey looks it’s a caveman! Wait a minute… it’s a small girl! it’s a caveman undercover!
The girls are about to do their group number “Better off Now” and I don’t want to put any pressure on anyone, but if they lose, it’s totally Brynn’s fault and she would be better off dead. Their dance looks gorgeous and it definitely shows that they are all lyrical dancers. The song they’re dancing to is about a girl who leaves a boy and is better off without him but it could very easily be about a girl who joined a crazy dance team in Pennsylvania, left because it was clearly an unhealthy environment, but then came back just because.
The awards are being presented and Alysa got 2nd place and what does Abby say about 2nd place everybody? That’s right, they’re lazy good for nothing pieces of shit.
Despite fucking Kendyl dropping her prop, the mini group dance earned them 1st place! Naturally, Abby downplays this success by stating it’s only because they’re cute and they won’t be cute forever. Those minis are lucky they had to perform against ugly small children, you know, because small children are usually ugly. Also, I would like to note than when the announcer read their name as winners she awkwardly spit it out like “and the winner is, um, undercover cavemen? The fuck?”
The girls also ended up getting 1st four their “Better off Now” dance and Brynn is so glad that she bought herself and her mom another day on the show.
In the green room, the moms take a page out of Abby’s books and tell the mini moms that even though they won 1st place, the minis weren’t very good. The mini moms disagree and so everyone looks to Abby to see what she has to say. Abby kind of shrugs and just says they will need to practice. These are the weirdest reactions from the moms and Abby, I expect this from Abby but the moms must be drinking her Kool-Aid. Everything is weird, this show is so fucking weird. And yet, here we all are.
The moms ask Abby if Brynn will be back since they won first place. Abby tells them they should be more worried if SHE will be back, so the moms ask if she will be back. Abby pauses and a smile slowly grows across her face and she responds, “I don’t know.” She just loooooves fucking with everyone’s brain and keeping them on their toes, even when they’re not doing ballet.
Next week, Abby is falling apart some more, even with Maddie back in the group. We also see a glimpse of Debbie Allen so maybe they take her up on her invitation to use her studio. Or maybe she and Abby will dance fight? Who knows? Let’s tune in next week and find out!