Welcome, Trash, to the premiere of HBO’s latest Terence Winter prestige series: Vinyl! Set in 1973 it’s all about sex, drugs, rock, roll, punk, hip hop and eventually, disco. Yes, disco. But I got ahead of myself. It’s also the story of Bobby Cannavale’s rubbery face making all kinds of sad or mad or high expressions while breaking shit.
Of course, since it’s a Terence Winter series, the premiere was actually directed by Martin Scorsese based upon an idea he and Mick Jagger had 20 years ago but after they realized that it made no freakin’ sense, they decided to turn it into an HBO series, promise that there would be a whole lot of boob, and got the greenlight.
But if I’m being honest, Trash, I think Scorsese might have had a stroke in the middle of making this pilot because WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Seriously? I didn’t expect to want to nut-punch Winter right away but I’m still trying to figure out what that whole Monty Python, “And Now, For Something Completely Different” interstitial where some woman is dancing around the empty offices playing the tambourine and singing some random R&B song. I mean, she was good but why was she there?
Who are you?
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Since this is the pilot, it’s a whole lot of exposition to introduce the huge cast and how they fit and what horrible, no good, very bad things will happen to set up the actual action that takes place once Marty and his dementia head off and leave the rest of the show in Winter’s evil but capable hands. So here are the people you need to know.
Richie Finestra
Richie is the lead. He has a “golden ear, and a silver tongue” and he’s the CEO of American Century Records. He’s also a recovering addict who gets teary, a lot, which may explain his occasional bouts of violence since Italian-American men in 1973 didn’t really cry a lot.
Devon Finestra
Because no ethnic man is a TRUE success until he has a skinny white wife, Devon is Richie’s greatest symbol of his success. She also seems like a good, if dissatisfied, woman, living in Greenwich with their two kids. But Devon’s past includes hanging with Warhol and a random Swedish woman, so expect her to fall back on old habits, hard.
Lester Grimes
Lester is the first act that Richie and his magical hair ever discovered. Lester is a blues man who is also handsome so the label Richie worked for decided to turn him into a novelty act named Little Jimmy Little, at Richie’s suggestion, because Lester is tall. That is not the tragic act that sets their story in motion, by the way.
Ray Romano
I don’t know why Ray is here. But his name is Zack and he is usually at some very important meetings with Richie to make inappropriate jokes and grope random extras.
This Guy
See Ray Romano but named “Skip.”
Doogie Howser’s Best Friend
He’s Julie, the A&R guy with a girl’s name for no other reason than to make posers look like assholes when they talk about meeting “her” at some club. He’s also annoying AF.
Nepotism part 1
Mick Jagger’s kid, James, is Kip – the future of rock & roll, as the front man for his band, The Nasty Bits. He also appears to have inherited his mother’s musical talent.
Nancy Spungeon
Jamie, the A&R assistant and office drug dealer, spends a lot of time looking anxious and tentative until she lies about how she discovered The Nasty Bits. She’s also a privileged white girl who likes to pretend she’s hip and downtown. That will end well for her.
Nepotism part 2
Clark the A&R guy who hasn’t signed an act in a year, so why is he there, is played by Jack Quaid. No, not Randy’s kid. Dennis and Meg’s. He’s mostly there to be the nerdiest A&R guy, ever.
Judah Friedlander
He’s the attorney, Scotty, who seems to fuck up every single deal but keeps his job. For no discernible reason.
And special guest star, Andrew Dice Clay
For anyone who hated him in the 90s, this guest spot’s for you.
As for the action, there was both way too much and not a whole lot going on. Just set up for the rest of the season.
They also use that annoying “in medias res” approach where you see Richie get high and go to a New York Dolls show and have a transcendent moment because they’re just. THAT. GOOD. But he was high on coke, not acid. He should have been hyper and twitching and bugging all the kids in the audience about how great they are, aren’t they great, I’m Richie Finestra. Or so I’ve heard.
So let’s go back to five days earlier, when Richie, Ray and that guy were meeting with The Germans. No one looks comfortable, except Richie because he’s cool. Ray, who’s Jewish, doesn’t look particularly thrilled to be meeting with Germans, who are with PolyGram, since WWII was still pretty fresh in everyone’s mind in 1973. Upshot of the meeting: PolyGram will buy American Century after their due diligence and, maybe, when they sign Led Zeppelin.
Yay! German Stereotypes
The guys head back to the States on their private plane with three Russian hookers who are talking about Chekhov because that’s what Russian hookers do, but Richie seems sad. Maybe because he’s clean and sober and realizes what a douchebag he is.
But that’s not the worst for Richie. When he gets home he finds out that Zeppelin found out that American Century was trying to skim money off their royalties and hid it deep in their contract, like one of the most famous bands in the world doesn’t employ smart attorneys to comb those contracts to make sure shifty music company executives don’t try to skim money off their royalties. Robert Plant is not happy so he makes a ton of really twee gestures before telling Richie to fuck off.
Realizing his deal to cash out might be screwed, Richie decides to head home to Greenwich but gets sidetracked when they head back to the city so Richie can discover hip hop. And an old friend, Lester, who isn’t so friendly, anymore. But we’ll cover that later.
Yay! Hip Hop!
Richie’s losing his shit, because without Led Zeppelin the label’s biggest act is Donny Osmond, and trying to keep it together which is near impossible because his A&R staff are idiots. To prove it, they’re listening to Abba’s first single and making fun of it so Richie can walk in and tell us that he could tell IN THREE BARS that they were going to be selling out arenas within a year, and what is wrong with them.
Seeing an opening, Jamie says that she found a band, The Nasty Bits. Then she makes up a good story about discovering them by seeing the lead singer on the subway and liking his look rather than the truth of seeing him in the lobby trying to pawn his demo off on the receptionist by claiming he met Julie then calling him a “girl.”
Whatever, they’re raw, they’re punk, they’re totally 70s! And Jamie is going to see them that night so she can bang Kip and tell him he needs a persona because the band sucks but he’s hot and that’s really all that matters. He’s all British punk stereotype about how everything popular, including Iggy but not The Stooges, sucks and he’s in it for … he can’t say. But he shoots up as Jamie leaves so let’s say the drugs.
Got his father’s lips but his mother’s talent.
So back with Richie. American Century is sinking fast and they need to keep it afloat long enough to sell to The Germans but they learn that Buck Rogers, who owns one of the biggest radio networks in the country, won’t play any American Century artists. But not because they suck. Because Donny Osmond didn’t go to some event for him. So one of his henchdogs suggests that they bring in Joe Corso, who’s a thug and gross but effective so they bring him in because when you’re going to meet Andrew Dice, I mean, “Buck Rogers” you bring in the slimiest person you know because like attracts like.
Booby time! Richie and Joe go to meet with Buck, who’s having an orgy in his house at the same time. Because of course he is. They all talk back and forth about what an asshole Donny Osmond is, and what a bigger asshole Buck is, and he still won’t play any of Richie’s acts so that was a waste of time. Except for, you know, the boobs.
Anyway, as if losing the biggest act, and possibly the huge deal with The Germans, wasn’t enough, Richie’s also turning 40. He doesn’t want a party but Devon is stuck in Greenwich with their kids so she’s having a party to remember what it was like when she was young, single and cool, dammit.
To express his disdain for the party, Richie spends most of the evening sulking in his lavender sports coat and getting all misty when the A&R guys give him one of Bo Diddley’s guitars, which leads to a totally random hallucination of some guy pretending to be Diddly playing Bo Diddley for no other reason than they needed to fill time.
W. T. F.?
While Devon’s getting reacquainted with her hipster friend, Ingrid, and learning that Andy keeps asking about her while dropping a story about Andy and Lou and some other Factory people, Richie gets a call from Joe that he needs to come to Long Island because Buck wants to talk to him. Richie’s all “DAFUQ? It’s been two days, are you both still high, and it’s my birthday and what does he want to talk about?”
But Richie goes to Long Island because he hated his party, anyway, and wants to save his company. When he gets there, though, Buck is losing his mind and waving a gun and trying to kiss Richie so Richie and Joe bludgeon Buck to death. What? Richie tries to pretend it’s “self-defense” which it started as but didn’t end that way, and Joe decides they have to dump the body and make it look like an anonymous drug deal gone wrong.
Of course, since we need some kind of horrible horrible “thing” to happen to move the story forward, Richie agrees to dump the body, which gets found the next day. He also gets a call from a homicide detective, so he does what any right thinking person would do: Goes home, gets shitfaced, pretends to play his guitar, (Seriously, Bobby, it’s called “fingering,” and, yes, I know that sounds dirty.) embarrasses his son, pisses off his wife, and heads back into the city where we’re back to the beginning.
Cinematic!
Richie’s high and about to confess his sins, I mean crime, when a bunch of glam kids decide to run through the streets of NYC, because that’s what the cool kids did, to go to a show at the Mercer Arts Center, which just so happens to be around the corner from Richie’s car.
We follow him back inside where he’s watching an ersatz New York Dolls cover band sing “Personality Crisis” poorly but the kids all dig it. They’re all grooving to the band, and so damn high, that no one notices the crack that zooms around the room until the lighting rigs start to fall. The band hightails it out of there along with most of the kids, but Richie’s just so into IT that he stands there, under the chandelier, watching it, plus the REST OF THE BUILDING, fall on his head. Yes, right on his head.
But since he’s the star of the show, it’s no biggie. He just picks himself up, dusts himself off and heads off into the evening. Because what?
A building just fell on his head!!!!
Anyway, in the B story, we learn the back story to Richie and Lester. Turns out Lester was a hella talented blues musician who was playing in the dive bar where Richie worked as a bartender. Since Richie has that “golden ear” he and Lester bond over the acts they both love, then toast to Richie taking them both to the top.
Except the label where he works isn’t interested in good music, they want pop music and turn Lester Grimes into “Little Jimmy Little” at Richie’s suggestion, which, as I mentioned earlier, is NOT what killed their friendship. No, Lester records a song called “Cha Cha Twist” which is a novelty hit, but then gets back-burnered while Richie climbs the A&R ladder. Lester’s not that happy about it and wants to record his music under his name.
Lester looks so happy recording that POS song.
Richie agrees and lets Lester in on his plan. That creepy gangster who was there watching Lester record? Well, he wants to buy a share of the label and Richie’s going to sell his, so he can finance his own label and take Lester with him. Yay!
Except the gangster decides that since his daughter likes Little Jimmy Little, he’s keeping him under contract. But gives Richie a great big bag of money to dry his tears. Then, for some reason, the gangster heads over to Lester’s house where he’s washing his car and being playful with the neighborhood kids. They’ve been trying to get him to record another song, but he says no, so, again for no obvious reason, the gangster’s goons beat the shit out of Lester, crushing his larynx in the process, and ruining his career.
That’s gonna leave a mark
So that’s it for the pilot. About 40 minutes in I started hate-watching it, but I have faith that once Winter takes the helm it will get better. I hope. Because that pilot made no sense. And I still don’t know why that woman just randomly showed up, singing. But the footage of Otis Redding was cool. You have to take your small victories where you can.
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