Hey all you trash cancan dancers and welcome back to another week of middle aged women with disturbingly low maturity levels blindly dragging their children to rock bottom on Lifetime’s Dance Moms. For those of you who don’t remember/make good life choices and don’t watch this shit, the last few weeks have been a boring game of “Will she? Won’t she?” in terms of Abby being present or doing her job. This week, the petty games continue.
You never know what you’re gonna get with Abby these days so the episode starts off with Melissa and Jill being extra careful not to scare off Abby, similar to a family admiring a lost deer that wandered into their backyard and trying to feed it carrots. Jill tries to relax Abby by applauding the way she is preparing her hair for the day while Melissa flirts with a gay dance teacher. Despite all of this effort, Abby says she isn’t going to be working anymore and Jill urges her that the show must go on! Abby condescendingly asks Jill if she can figure out in her little pea brain how to get the feds off her back and to stop thinking that she is hiding $170,000 from the government because she didn’t do anything wrong and Abby is just a poor victim that doesn’t want to hurt anyone yet bad things happen to her. Jill doesn’t have a solution to wipe away the consequences of Abby’s stupid actions but tells her she must work. Abby starts getting upset (weird, right?) and says she has a right in this country not to work, so Holly brings out the big guns and threatens to go use Debbie Allen’s studio and Abby pretends like she doesn’t care. The moms continue to paw at her like hungry kittens while Abby scrolls through her phone and fights back tears until her human side finally takes over, she starts sobbing, and yells at them to WALK AWAY. Good job ladies, you scared her off for another episode!
Gianna asks the moms if Abby is ready and they shake their heads and tell her it’s a no go, so Gianna reluctantly prepares herself for another week of being in charge while being paid a dance teacher’s wage. The group dance this week is called “Well-Oiled Machine” which isn’t very fitting considering the state their group and studio is in. “Shit Show” or “Steaming Pile of Shit” or something to that effect would probably be a better title for this group dance. It’s going to be a steam-punk theme because Abby comes up with stupid shit all of the time. The competition is in Phoenix and Jessalynn is worried because Phoenix has some of the best dancers in the WORLD, you guys.
Maddie should have been back in the crew by now but she has to film one more scene in the mystery movie she has been filming and so she will not get a solo but she will get to be in the group number after rehearsing it a couple times before they go on stage because she is mother fucking Maddie and she lives in Abby’s ass.
Ashlee starts talking about how she is from Arizona and so is Kiara, Kalani’s mom, who has left her daughter alone with Melissa as her legal guardian in L.A. while she is off having a baby. Apparently, she has some dirt on Kiara. Ooooor maybe she is just really insecure because she is threatened by her and her daughter who might dance better than Brynn.
Meanwhile, Holly is “very much so prepared” to go and use Debbie Allen’s studio which is very surprising news considering she HAS ALREADY MENTIONED THIS FIFTY OR SO TIMES.
Jill calls all of the girls out of rehearsal to have a sensitive conversation about how Abby doesn’t want them around anymore and they are all going to be abandoned by her and it kind of feels like she is telling them that she is getting a divorce and it isn’t their fault but really we all know it’s Kendall’s fault because she is such a shitty dancer. After hearing the news, the girls simply say that they just wanna dance, you guys. Holly finally decides it’s time to give Debs a call, awwwww shit!
Abby is still refusing to work with them so after the commercial break, we find out the girls are all forced to rehearse at Debbie Allen’s studio. But oh no, they don’t have any costumes! But Kalani calls her mom and she has some costumes they can use. Phew, crisis averted! This is a new record, a dramatic turn of events was resolved in under 30 seconds!
Brynn is working on her solo, which is called “Mystical Beauty”. There’s a lot of pressure on her shoulders again this week because she needs to beat Kalani so that she can be a permanent member of the team that doesn’t have a permanent teacher or practice space.
The moms are outside and continue their one conversation they ever have with each other which is who has the best dancing daughter. Ashlee has given this matter a lot of thought and nominates her daughter Brynn as the best dancer. Jessalynn makes a little jab and says it’s a good thing Abby won’t be there to witness Kalani beat Brynn even though we know she forces the producers to let her watch the footage so she can still be mean to them without having to leave the comfort of her house which is actually her office which is actually a costume storage closet with a folding chair in the back of her studio. Naturally, Ashlee disagrees and insists Brynn is the best dancer and that Kalani is losing her talent. The other moms disagree and shriek at her for being supportive of her daughter. This is some riveting stuff, you guys. What will they talk about next?!
While rehearsing, Debbie comes in and happily greets the girls with a welcoming presence and she assures them all that Abby will be back. Holly is in complete awe with Debbie and goes on about how she is how dance teachers should act and that this studio is better than Abby’s SO WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU LEAVE AND SWITCH STUDIOS?! Oh because Debbie doesn’t have a TV show? Thought so, betch. Now SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT, Holly! We are all sick of you bitching and moaning about the same damn thing every few fucking minutes.
Now Jill is joining Holly’s sentiments and starts talking about how great it is working with a nice and gentle dance instructor. Please re-read my advice I gave Holly in the last paragraph.
Debbie asks to see what the girls have been working on and Kalani gladly volunteers to demonstrate her solo first and Debbie gives her a great review with positive feedback. When it’s Brynn’s turn to show off what she’s been working on, she precedes her demonstration by warning everyone about how bad she is going to suck and she doesn’t know it all yet so she is DEFINITELY not doing the whole thing. After setting her bar really high, Brynn performs her solo like a robot on speed. Afterwards, Debbie tells her she has great legs and feet but she doesn’t see any joy in her work. Jill pipes in with “did ya hear that Ashlee? Brynn doesn’t show emotions and she is BORING!” Yeah, we all heard Debbie, Jill. Now shut the fuck up because if Kendall danced for her, she would day the exact same thing about her.
So apparently Kiara has her own fucking dance studio? Why is her 15-year-old daughter living and taking classes in L.A. then? The whole group (including Maddie but not including Abby) are there and the moms are talking about how Abby followed them all to Phoenix and even took the same flight but is acting butt hurt that they sought out help from Debbie and so she is acting like she has other things to do rather than help rehearse with the girls. Kiara thinks Abby is just scared and thinks it makes sense since there are SO MANY good dancers in Phoenix. Jessalynn takes the opportunity to throw Ashlee under the bus by revealing to Kiara that Ashlee thinks her daughter isn’t that good. Kiara doesn’t like the sound of that and I smell some trouble brewing.
I unfortunately spoke too soon because Abby finally makes an appearance, well sort of. She is sitting in her car eating lettuce wraps nursing her hurt butt about how everyone went to Debbie’s studio. The moms hover around her car and ask if she is going to come in to help with the routines. Abby suggests they just have Debbie help them if they all looooove her so much. The moms explain she didn’t help them with rehearsing, she just gave them a place to rehearse. Abby simply responds with “lazy”. Yes Abby, Debbie Allen is the lazy one for not doing your job for you even though you are their teacher and still refusing to help them so you can see on your fat ass and eat. You’re not lazy at all.
At first, she’s sour. But then, she’s still sour.
Abby finally waltzes in the studio and immediately insults Kiara by announcing that her studio smells weird. She then gives her best attempt at a pep talk by telling the girls the title of their dance is “Well-Oiled Machine” and that’s exactly what they need to act like, even though she personally acts like a broken and rusty microwave oven.
It’s the day of the week and Kiara and Kilani are late and the moms are really not pleased with this, you guys. Never mind the fact that Kiara graciously lent them her studio for them to use and saved their asses when they needed costumes, they are late and this is Dance Moms where nothing happens so they are desperate for something to complain about. When they finally do arrive, Ashlee is quick to tell Kiara that she doesn’t appreciate them being late. Kiara explains that she was pumping milk and getting her infant son settled before she could leave the house. Ashlee says this isn’t an excuse because she is busy too but we all know this isn’t the case since all she does is sit around and talk shit about other people’s children. Jessalynn is in heaven once the two start hurling insults at each other and she can’t hide her shit-eating grin when Kiara makes fun of Ashlee’s appearance and crappy plastic surgery. Eventually, Kiara gets fed up enough with Ashlee that she storms out of the green room and Jill is right on her heels asking her to stay. Kalani and Melissa soon follow and while Kalani is begging for her mother to stay, Melissa wraps her arms around Kalani and awkwardly keeps kissing her ears like the unstable psycho she is. In true Dance Moms fashion, Kiara agrees to stay and probably never really intended to leave and was just being a drama queen like everyone else in the cast.
Kalani’s solo is first and she is dressed like Pocahontas while she dances to some weird flute music and she does a great job. I also just noticed I never learned what the title of her dance is OR that the minis have been gone this entire episode! Hopefully they’re gone for good because they were so boring.
Brynn does her solo next and it’s to some crazy epic sounding music and she also does a great job. I wonder who will win and give the moms bragging rights for the next episode?! The anticipation is killing me!!!
Before the group dance that Abby didn’t help with, the girls are getting dressed in the costumes that Abby didn’t provide and yet she nitpicks at the costumes and complains that their shorts don’t match. She starts to rearrange their costumes and Holly insists that this should have been done days ago and they don’t have time for this because the girls need to focus on their dance. Abby responds with “oh so this costume thing is MY fault?” and all of the moms explode in unison and scream “YES” at her, to which Abby is genuinely shocked. Jessalynn especially lets Abby have it and it is so satisfying seeing Abby get shut down and being completely speechless.
When the girls are finally dressed to Abby’s liking and on the stage, they all look a lot more like BDSM dancers rather than steam punk dancers. The dance looks amazing and the way they all look together is so impressive and entertaining to watch. I think we have another winner on our hands!
Kalani is such a good dancer, she can flick the other dancers off with her middle toe!
It’s time for the awards and we quickly learn that Kalani won 1st place and have no idea where Brynn placed because they never tell us. Ugh, I predict a lot of “told ya so’s” from Jill. Barf.
The group earned 1st place as well and once again, the girls and moms have proven that they really don’t need Abby anymore. Afterwards, Abby jokingly asks why she is there. WE DON’T KNOW ABBY! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME? Jill asks her if Abby will be back and Abby says she will be. They then ask if Brynn will be back and Abby says that since Maddie is back, Brynn will be on probation, AKA: she can feel her powers falling through her fingers like sand and needs to use Brynn and Ashlee to feel big. After hearing Brynn will technically still be staying with the team, Kiara threatens that her and Kalani won’t be staying on the team if Ashlee and Brynn are. Oh no, you guys! So much drama that I am sure will be quickly resolved.
Next week, the girls will be doing a dance based off the seven deadly since because Abby is a gluttonous sloth!