Hey everyone! I am back from Portugal and a little jet lagged so why don’t I wake up at 4:30am and get to the madness of Party Down South? I will accept your thanks at a later time in the form of golden treasures and assorted family heirlooms. Until then, let’s jump right into it!
We open with a moron: Lyle. He is upset that Lauren and Tiffany are messing with his relationship. Daddy comes out to talk to Lyle, Lyle Crocodile and he comes away from the conversation with the opinion that the girls should leave Beaudreax alone. Tiffany wants the entire house to talk about the Santana situation. Sure, that sounds reasonable…except not. Walt says that Lyle has made his decisions and Walt will support him because he is a friend. EXACTLY. I forgive that shitty guitar strumming for the time being.
Lyle says he needs facts not opinions. The opinion of everyone is not flattering. Lyle also needs beer so he drinks himself stupid-er.
Try some of this on your butthurt
For some reason, they give the cast jobs of an assorted blue collar variety each season, I guess so there is built in footage besides endless liver destruction and this vacation they are working at a roadside fruit/veggie stand. Previous jobs have included beach chair setter-upper, and charter boat helpers. Basically, jobs so menial that even these brain trusts can’t screw it up. This is an echo of the ice cream scooper jobs the cast of Jersey Shore had. Real tough stuff.
Mattie (who has never met a “Bye Felecia” reference she didnt like) and Walt argue about tomatoes being fruits or veggies. Mattie calls her mom who confirms it is a fruit. After that has been settled, talk turns to Murray and how much everyone misses him. They agree that the house is a lot more quiet, and probably feels a lot more spacious.
See, it is because he is huge…
Lyle stays behind to chill and Murray walks in the house to wake him up. He comes back after dealing with his business, wearing his typical American flag shirt with ripped sleeves. I think this is one of his 4 shirts he owns. Beaudreaux updates him on the controversy surrounding Santana.
My guitar solos are wicked, but Lyle, your chick is evil.
After some commercials, Murray decides to call Santana to invite her to the house so Lyle and her can chat and work it all out. Over at the fruit stand (where the cast earns money for drinking and supporting the local economy), the cast meets the new bosses. Mattie is excited to learn more about healthy eating because she has adopted a smarter lifestyle and also because she is an idiot without much general knowledge. The bosses should also teach her some new catchphrases.
The new boss, Randy, is a little too animated but he is entertaining the cast. Anyway, back at the house, Murray is on the phone with Santana. WHY IS THIS INTRUSION NECESSARY? Hilariously, Santana starts complaining about Hott Dogg and the way she says it like it is her real name is great. Murray promises that even though he “doesn’t do the whole G-d thing, he will swear on a bible” to keep the rest of the house away so her and Lyle can chat. She makes him promise that he will do that and then agrees to come. Good. Commence to ass kicking. Lyle and his emerging beer gut are pleased.
Night falls (it is a Wednesday, for what it is worth) and the cast heads out to party (down syndrome…er south) minus Mattie who is getting some beauty sleep. Night Felecia. Lyle stays behind in bed. Murray, sporting an ill-advised top knot, fills in Hott Dogg and Tiffany on the fact that Santana is coming to town. Tiffany laces up her boxing gloves.
Very Vogue!
When they get to the bar, Tiffany is playing wingwoman and it is glorious. She is screaming for a pen and paper to get phone numbers of every girl at the bar for the guys- much to Walt’s amusing dismay. Murray, meanwhile, sits down next to what looks to be a 45 year old train wreck who starts making out with him and agrees to come home to break his sold wood bed frame.
See because he is big…and so is she. Oh c’mon it is TRASH talk TV.
Daddy is hammered and passing out and Tiffany sees that Murray got a girl in the cab and starts applauding. HA! Murray’s girl goes out to smoke with the cast on the porch and Murray passes out on the couch. Murray forgets he brought her home…
In a great scene, Tiffany is complaining about Lyle and in the background Murray’s girl is sitting on the chair and choking on water. Lauren calls the girl a taxi and sends her home. Murray, you avoided a landmine buddy. Good job Lauren- that was the one unselfish thing I have witnessed since “meeting” you.
The next morning, Murray can’t even remember bringing a girl home. HAHA! Also, HA! He rallies the troops to go on a pedal tour of Savannah to get everyone out of the house. Smart plan. Tiffany is hungover as hell. Lyle comes down to thank them for giving him space and time to chat with his lady. Daddy is slightly limping after falling off a counter at home the night before. Not sure if that is relevant, but why not mention it? Drunken injuries are funny.
Tiffany, again proving why I love her, complains that she is tired and is really pissed she is making everything so convenient for Santana. She says it in a way that drips pure hatred.
NOT the one to be messed with.
The cast gets on the pedal bike, which no one is really pedaling, as a cab pulls up to the house. Out pops Will Smith!! Oh no wait, it is just Santana.
Santana, you stink!
Lyle greets Santana really lovingly at the door and she reciprocates. Enjoy it while it lasts kiddos. Santana brings up that the last time she was at the house it was when Lyle proposed and now they are arguing. YES, because she is the worst.
Why are only Walt and Murray wearing helmets? Who cares? This is great!
The team stops off at the first bar for some day drinking and shit talking. Tiffany reveals that Santana changed Brandon’s name in her phone not once, but TWICE. OOOOOOOOOOO.
Back at the house, Santana says she is not happy to be in the house. She starts crying and Lyle tells her he loves her. She says that he is believing lies. Santana says that she cannot just get over it. She says that the engagement ring means that he is supposed to support her no matter what. Yes, it also means you don’t play stupid games with your iPhone contact list. Want games? Download Angry Birds. Lyle asks how to fix it and Santana tells him “I am not going to tell you how to be a man.” What is her fucking damage?
From L to R: Tiffany, Lauren, Daddy (top row)
Walt, Murray, Lyle (bottom row)
Santana correctly says that everyone has their opinions and they aren’t changing- especially Tiffany. True. Over at the bar, Murray is drinking in his bike helmet. For some reason, they only go to the one bar (haha- alcoholism) and get schnockered. Perfect mindset for confronting Santana. Murray thinks they are a time bomb, but yet does nothing to stop the inevitable.
Santana and Lyle get in bed and Santana calls him the bitch in the relationship because he wants to lay down with her. She has some really twisted notions of gender and maturity. And a shitty sense of what hair color looks good on her.
In the cabs, Tiffany is telling Lauren they should take their fans out of Lyle’s room and make it hot as hell in there. I fall over laughing. Also, 495 Productions is too cheap to get a house with central A/C.
Love in their eyes…for now.
After some make up sex, Lyle and Santana are sitting and kissing on the couch. Tiffany comes barging in the door and runs to the bathroom to pee. HA! The rest of the cast greets Santana nicely (the guys do), while Tiffany and Hott Dogg speak with Hott Dogg’s boyfriend. Then, Lauren decides to call Brandon- he of the Santana cheating scandal. Brandon tells her Santana told him at “Trucks Gone Wild” that she and Lyle were broken up. CAUGHT! Lauren hangs up the phone with a really self satisfied look on her face. Santana gets in the hot tub, which for her will become the hot seat, oblivious as to the storm coming her way.
Lauren and Tiffany go out on the balcony and start talking shit about Santana, who can hear them. In a great scene, Walt comes out and says “Who is Brandon?” and Tiffany says “The guy Santana fucked,” while Daddy says “The guy that Santana is accused of hooking up with.” TOO FUNNY!!!!! Walt and Daddy take bets on who will win in a fight. Daddy takes Tiffany- smart choice.
Santana decides to get out of the hot tub (which was not even turned on) and wants to call Brandon herself- with Lyle present. She gets on the cheeseburger. But before she can dial, Lauren starts talking shit. Santana confronts her in the kitchen as Tiffany bounds down the stairs. Lauren follows Santana back into the phone room with Lyle. Santana turns to Lauren and says (in a cutting insult that goes to the heart of all of Lauren’s insecurities) “Get away from me you ugly, fat bitch.” Lauren goes right for the head punch and they start going at it. Tiffany comes in like a steamroller and the fight of the season is ON!
And then it stops because it will be played out in the next episode. Let’s just say security was right there and it looks like Tiffany is on the floor. And that wraps it up. Wow. Can’t wait to recap the next one, and look for that coming real soon.
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