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Hi, Trashiis! We made it to Fuller House episode 2! It’s somehow worse than the first! Also, as a note, I will be without a computer next week, so I am skipping a week of reviews. I’ll be back, though, so don’t worry. Anyway, on to the recap! No cold open for this episode, and it looks like it’s 5 minutes shorter. That means we all win! Middle kid Max sneaks into middle kid Stephanie’s room to wake her up for Sunday Brunch. Stephanie is not interested in brunch. DJ is apparently an evangelical hipster, since she uses duck eggs in her famous blueberry pancakes. One of the sort-of jokes about Max is that he watches cooking show. Ha-ha get it? Cooking shows! (I don’t get it).
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Who’s questioning their life choices now?
DJ is in the kitchen, force-feeding the baby a bottle he does not seem at all interested in. DJ goes full crazypants mom by offering her oldest son (Jack?) a pre-breakfast milkshake. DJ definitely wants his approval for something, so she’s saying yes to hot fudge on pancakes in addition to a milkshake. When the fuck did DJ have time to make a milkshake as she was preparing breakfast, and why a milkshake? If I was going to bribe my preteen kid, I would get them a new gadget or promise not to talk to them for a whole day or something.
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Mom, did you steal Aunt Stephanie’s meth?
Max brings Stephanie in. Of course all of the Tanners (except Stephanie) are fucking morning people. Morning people are the worst. Apparently the big joke with Stephanie is that she is a huge slut who doesn’t know the least bit about interacting with children. So we get those lovely punny jokes about people “hooking up… their X-boxes.” Ugh… I could have even laughed at this joke if it was delivered on a different show with real actors. DJ drags Stephanie over to the fridge with the lamest disguised conversation ever, and tells Stephanie that she still hasn’t told the boys that Kimmy and her daughter are moving in that day. I am distracted by the uncovered fried chicken just hanging out in their fridge. Is that a shrine to Uncle Jesse or something? Because that chicken is certainly not edible like that. Uggggh and then Stephanie grabs a piece and eats it. Stephanie, that is disgusting! Does that mean she’s the new Uncle Jesse? (Who am I kidding, of fucking course she is.) To top her disgustingness off, she makes another punny joke about “spilling the beans.” STAHP.
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Don’t vets take biology? Does DJ not believe in bacteria?
Kimmy and Ramona show up at the door, and Ramona is begging her mother to stop, because moving in with the Tanners is a horrible idea. Kimmy tells her that DJ is her godmother (that poor kid!), which Ramona interprets to mean fairy godmother. Kimmy is distracting me with her awesome/terrible bacon and egg scarf. Ramona is upset about leaving her school to move in with the whitest family in America. I like how the show pretends to be self-aware, but then goes right on ahead celebrating the whitest family in America. Ramona answers her phone in Spanish. Yeah, I don’t think any of these tween friends of hers are calling her early in the morning. Ramona says that her mom is crazy and needs therapy. She tells her mom there is nothing she can do to make her walk in the house, so Kimmy throws her phone inside. I have to make a note about the Spanish speaking in this show: y’all, it’s pretty white. When the phone is thrown, her friend basically says, “Ouw-la kay pasow?” Try harder, Fuller House.
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What’d you say about my scarf?
In the kitchen, DJ is slathering layers and layers of whipped cream onto her oldest kid’s pancakes. Dude, DJ, there are so many better ways to bribe this kid. As DJ is about to tell the kids the truth, Kimmy and Ramona walk in, and Kimmy is quick to mark her territory (though unfortunately not by peeing everywhere, which, let’s face it, would be a total Gibbler move). Kimmy calls Stephanie her sister-wife. As if this show couldn’t get any whiter. Max is a total shit by saying he doesn’t care if the Gibblers move in, since that means more people can drive him around. Because the whole world revolves around the Tanners.
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I’m the King of the World!
DJ is moving Kimmy into the attic, where Jesse and Rebecca lived in. GROSS. I hope they didn’t touch anything. Kimmy rolls out a poster of her face, and I do not want to know why it’s there. Ramona is apparently moving into the twins’ old room, which is essentially a closet. I’m sure this house has a million rooms, why does she have to live in the attic closet? DJ offers to have the boys share a room, just like she and Stephanie did as kids, so Ramona can have a real room. Kimmy offers her bedroom, but Ramona is not interested in hanging out with Kimmy every night.
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Crazy eyes squared.
Jackson (oops, that was his name!) comes back home after throwing a tantrum, and DJ is decorating a chocolate cake. This girl is efficient! I don’t see how she needs any help raising these kids at all if she can make a full breakfast (including a milkshake), wash all the dishes, then bake and decorate a layered chocolate cake in the same morning. DJ is about to tell Jackson that she’s given his room away, but Max runs in and yells it out. Ramona found blue and white paint and is about to paint the room after the Argentinian flag. Good job, writers! You looked up Latin American countries on Wikipedia and picked the first country on the list! I’m proud of you, boo!
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Max has no chill.
DJ is relocating everyone, and apparently the baby has his own room? Why the fuck does the baby have his own room? Can’t he sleep in DJ’s room? DJ is going… somewhere, and she finds that Kimmy and Stephanie have eaten the entire cake except for two slices. That cake was gigantic. Even Kimmy and Stephanie have to be efficient at something, I guess. DJ announces a vague emergency at the pet clinic. Does DJ work for the CIA’s vet clinic? Kimmy and Stephanie offer to take care of the kids, and immediately start fighting.
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Kimmy is making Stephanie promise not to say any more old catchphrases.
Jackson tries to convince Max to stay in the room with the baby. I honestly don’t understand why the fuck that baby needs that gigantic room, especially if he’s still bottle-fed and diapered. Speaking of diapers, Max is disgusted by his little brother’s shitty diaper, so he is not so easily convinced to stay. Jackson then tries to convince Stephanie to share a room with Max. Blah blah blah I’m bored. Ok, these kids are terrible actors, and fucking Max screams all of his lines, so we’re just going to skip the rest of this.
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Seriously, this is the baby’s entire room. They could fit all three boys in here!
Jesse shows up because I guess the fried chicken called him. Jesse’s convoluted reason for being here is that he forgot his “lucky guitar.” Jackson tries to plead with his (great-) Uncle Jesse, who is as useless as ever in resolving conflict. He calls out to the over-the-top violin music that was everyone’s cue to make up. No need for that, now. Then we get the full story from Jesse and Stephanie about how this exact story literally has already happened. Are we going to get the side-by-side screens again?
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Jodie Sweetin is shooting him some intense do-me eyes.
Jesse is eating the questionable fried chicken. Stephanie makes a credit score joke that flies way beyond Jackson’s head. Jackson promises to go upstairs to bond with Max, and I already know there will be more kid shenanigans (I mean the actual violins didn’t play and we still have 12 minutes to go). Jesse jumps the gun in complimenting Stephanie’s useless freeloader aunt skills. They exchange tired catchphrases (“Have mercy” and “how rude” OMG kill me now), and Jesse leaves, because he has gotten enough screen time for his paycheck.
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I don’t know what’s more disgusting here, Jesse sitting on the kitchen counter or eating that cold, nasty fried chicken.
Later (I think? It’s unclear how time works in this universe), Kimmy teaches Stephanie to change a diaper, because Stephanie has never heard of Google, I guess. She takes a selfie next to the poopy baby to show off to her “friends” who are “skiing in St. Moritz.” Note to Steph, just because you follow them on Twitter, doesn’t mean they are your friends. Max puts on a face mask to protect himself from his baby brother’s noxious ass fumes, and I wish it was a gag or something that would turn his volume down significantly. They make a bizarre joke referencing the Olsen twins, in which Stephanie says she changed so many of Michelle’s diapers, she thinks that there were two of her. A phone starts ringing, and Stephanie realizes she left her phone in the baby’s diaper. Um, I’ve seen how big that phone is, and that must be one uncomfortable baby. Who the fuck forgets the phone in a nasty diaper? Was Stephanie Tanner also addicted to meth? The phone call is from DJ, who is just checking in. Kimmy Gibbler peaces the fuck out, leaving Stephanie to sort out her phone in baby’s ass situation.
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You can’t make this shit up, folks. This scene actually happened.
Jesse is driving down a set road, singing, when Jackson appears in the backseat. How were you sleeping while Jesse was doing Elvis impressions at the top of his lungs, Jackson? He puts the song on repeat, not knowing that Jackson is there. He starts leaving a singing voicemail to Rebecca, which only makes me feel sorrier for her. When is this woman not bombarded by shitty Elvis impressions?
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Did Jesse put a seatbelt on his guitar?
Surprise, Jackson yells at him to stop (the only good thing that has happened in the entire episode). He tells Jesse he is moving to LA with him. Jesse says no. Jackson explains that he’s not just upset about his room, but about being surrounded by women. Jesse tries to give him advice about living with women being good for you, but he ends derailing into some sexist garbage about Rebecca’s cooking. Because karma is a bitch, his whole tirade about Rebecca’s cooking was recorded by voicemail. Jackson suggests they flee to Mexico to fight bulls, and Jesse says he wouldn’t look good as a matador. Hey geniuses, that’s Spain you’re thinking of! He makes Jackson sing on their way back, which can only be to torture the audience.
DJ comes home from vet clinic emergency, and Kimmy and Stephanie are drinking margaritas. Way to drink on the job, ladies. DJ wants to know where Jackson is, in that obvious way that tells everyone she knows already. Stephanie talks shit about DJ’s parenting skills, and in walk Jackson and Jesse. Stephanie apologizes and offers DJ a “frothy cocktail,” which sounds disgusting. Is margarita a brand or something? Kimmy notes that 75% of the kids were home, and DJ calls a family meeting. You know, I’ve never actually witnessed a family meeting in real life or known anyone who had those regularly. Stephanie downs the rest of her booze before walking into the living room. Jesse and Stephanie make more direct references to the old show. Just let it go, already. Please. Jesse gets a text from Rebecca punishing him for his stupid food comments. I will only be happy when that text is a screenshot of divorce papers. Seriously, y’all, why the fuck are they still together? Mercifully, Jesse leaves.
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Did the adults drink around the kids in the original show? I guess this is Full House’s equivalent of progress.
DJ wants to know what Jackson was thinking. Ugh. Jackson responds that it’s okay because DJ ran away, too. Are they getting paid by the reference to the old show? Jackson whines about how shitty it is to live in a giant house in San Francisco for free, and I wish they would put him in that closet they had saved for Ramona. DJ gets all huggy with Stephanie after yelling at Jackson for 30 seconds. So we’re going to follow the same pattern as the old show, where the kids are selfish assholes, and they never get real punishment? Awesome. Max screams out some nerdy shit to comfort his brother. The show gets super preachy, and I am about to fall asleep. The music comes on as the family group hugs. Everything is pain. Jesse walks in because we can’t have a single non-lampshaded moment here. The episode finally ends. I’m glad for those five minutes I got back, but this episode still felt like 3 hours.
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Damn, I thought we had already ruined the group hug back in the 80s.
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