People – John Stamos Why Are You Like So Obsessed
John Stamos’ biggest fan John Stamos shared a #tbt video on Instagram of the 2-year-old Olson twins wobbling around a dressing room and repeating his name. Nothing says “cool, fun guy” like a dude who posts your baby videos on the internet for all the world to see, sans your permission.
TMZ – Who’s a Bad Dog Trainer? Who? YOU ARE. Bad Trainer.
Cesar Milan might be arrested for animal cruelty because a dog bit off part of a pig’s ear on his property while he was filming a show with them. And that’s all I’ll say about that because animals. 
Perez Hilton – The Honestly Never Not Being Sued Company
Miser Alba, as Michael from D-Listed so lovingly calls her, is in hot water today after the Wall Street Journal claimed that her Honest Company uses Sodium Lauryl Sulfate – a compound it tells its customers to avoid – in its laundry detergent. The company fired back, telling People that it actually uses Sodium Coco Sulfate in its products. And I’m like, chlorophyll? More like BORE-ophyll! Hahahahahaha. No but seriously I don’t care about this shit. Why is this important.
Us – The Kardashians Urge You to Rock Out with Your Cock Out
Khole Kardashain, a walking totem pole of ass and titties and professional haver of opinions, expressed confusion and doubt to Ciara and Russell Wilson’s public celibacy vow, then backtracked and said she loves and supports Ciara. I mean, I get it, if I were Ciara I’d probably be having sex with anything and everything that had a face and a dick, but Khloe is the last person I’d consult on the matter.
New York Times – Oh, Canada. [white noise]
Barry and Michelle hosted Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie for a gallant state dinner last night at the White House. The affair was perfectly Canadian: boring, polite, and ever so slightly more elegant than an American counterpart. It was full of boring, polite, and good-looking Canadian celebrities like these assholes. Malia and Sasha were there because nothing exciting or cool or dangerous could ever happen at a Canadian state dinner. Everyone was very nice to the Prime Minister because he’ll probably be our leader in a few months anyway since Trump might be elected and we’ll all have to move to Saskatchewan. Good for everyone. Eat your poutine and shut up.
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