Grab your drinks Trash Talkers. We are going to get nasty drunk for this one. Mob Wives is near the end zone. We have this and the reunion left. Who thought it would last six seasons? I’ve returned to my optimistic self for the series finale. So, armed with revolting liquor and tissue, I am going to recap this bitch.
We are at the dance studio where Renee and her freakishly cute partner, Alex, are warming up for their dance recital. They are all tacky glitz and smiles. I cannot get over this season’s Renee. Could she really be over her frightening, unpredictable rages? Sure, she remains a backstabbing, untrustworthy gossip, but she’s at peace with it. Is it Jesus or the meds, minus the booze? Gone is the Renee of the past:
Remember when?
Alex has lost most of his voice. He uses what’s left to bury Renee in compliments. Alex convinces her she looks beautiful. I can’t take him seriously when he’s wearing a dated, polyester jumpsuit. Carla, Karen and Marissa arrive, secretly praying Renee makes an ass of herself so they can stay awake through the snoozefest. AJ and Andrea appear. Luckily for Renee, a higher power is on her side and the performance goes well. I like this giggly, enthusiastic Renee, until she tells us anyone who wants to do drama can eff themselves. Does she really think the viewers believe this kind of crazy from the drama goblin herself? How insulting.
Drita visits Ang to unload her anger. Ang, who rarely complains, tells her she is having trouble breathing after the surgery. Damn those ciggies! Drita launches into the Marissa/Lee and O.Z. fiasco. It all goes back to Karen, in Drita’s world. Ang argues that when the subject came up during lunch with Renee, Carla and Marissa, she said she did not mention Karen’s name. Drita’s going to demand a sit-down with Brittany, Marissa and Karen, to find out who is really lying. She is convinced it’s Karen. It’s her island and she vows to torture Karen every day of her life until she leaves. What a waste of time.
Producers throw in a light scene with Karen and Karina out of guilt. It’s the dreaded mother/daughter driving lesson, which isn’t going so well. Karina doesn’t know exactly what parallel parking means. She backs into a curb, which I find hilarious. Karen cannot believe Karina got her permit. Sadly, she doesn’t appreciate her driving style the way I do. Since when has anyone parallel parked properly? Calm down lady. Just when I am having a little fun with Karen, she kills it by bringing up her situation with Drita. Their daughters go to school together, which is another reason to put an end to the madness. Is anyone buying this? I don’t see Karen putting her ego aside long enough to make any form of truce with Drita, even for her daughter’s sake.
Drita angrily calls Marissa from the safety of her home to set up yet another pointless meeting. Marissa is snuggled on the couch with her cat, reading a book with very few pages. She laughs at Drita’s anger while playing with her hair. When Drita mentions bringing Brittany along, Marissa is pissed. She doesn’t want Drita’s minion there with her and Karen. During this conversation it hits me. Marissa’s “character” is modeled after the one and only Regina George:
Drita’s explosion becomes seriously scary. Marissa remains unfazed by it all. The epic moment is when Marissa responds to Drita calling Karen a rat. She asks her if she’s aware she’s hanging with an entire family of rats. YES! Those burn scars will never heal. Bonus points for Marissa, for being a cat lady. Drita cannot stop screeching at her. Finally, she slams the phone on Marissa. Then she goes after the producers, demanding they get the meeting to happen the next day. She tells them if the bouncers touch her, she will lay them out.
Drita, please CALM THE F-CK DOWN. The show is almost over and your income is going to take a huge hit. You cannot afford any additional lawsuits.
The location for the battle is a traditional Italian and vegan restaurant. Nothing like a vegan restaurant for a meeting with Karen and Drita, who are out for blood. Drita’s language is off the hook on the ride over with Brittany. Somewhere nearby, Karen’s in a car with Marissa, blasting Drita. She doesn’t want to physically fight her, because it’s not a good look as a woman or a mother. She’s far too classy for that (?!!). She will fight only if Drita disrespects her and forces her to go there. So prepared, that Karen. She has her excuses out of the way for what we know will be a skank fest, and she’s not even in the restaurant yet.
Karen and Marissa swagger in the restaurant, where Drita and truck stop blonde Brittany are waiting. They are not even in their seats and Drita’s screeching at Karen, who she claims is a rat and a bitch. Karen slams Drita in her talking head by telling us Drita acts like a man. Look who’s talking, brute. This hostility is wearing me down. Excuse me while I head to the kitchen.
Breaking to stress eat.
Marissa begins the “talk” like an HR rep from Macy’s shoe department conducting a performance review. Brittany, who is already confused, barks at Marissa. She demands that Marissa explain how she is a part of the mob culture. Dumbest move ever. Marissa wants to talk about Brittany’s rat mother who cooperated with the feds. Damn, girl! Too bad this is almost over, because I am beginning to like you. Brittany doesn’t understand where Marissa got that info. She hits back that it’s all over the internet. It’s also in her autobiography, on another mob show and various interviews, rag bag. I am going to burn that woman’s book for having such an idiotic daughter.
Karen redirects the conversation to Drita, who she is going to address as “bitch” throughout the entire scene. “Bitch” and “liar” are the vocabulary words for the day. Drita stands up, ready for an attack. Security holds both women back, in what looks like a potential blood bath. It all goes back to Lee, who Drita says Karen stalks. Karen continues to call BS on that one. That argument will never end.
Karen calls Drita “the biggest green screen gangster on the planet.” Drita is going to mangle Karen. Have I landed in a low-budget horror film? The mangling and Brittany’s cheap whore store outfit are making me suspicious.
Renee, Carla and Ang are dining and gossiping at a quiet restaurant while this goes down, by the way. Carla says they will kill each other, but doesn’t make a move to stop either one of them. Ang looks tired and sick. I hate that she is wasting her precious time shooting this useless scene. Moving on.
It’s two months later and Karen’s with Karina. She supposedly has a huge modeling gig with a fashion company. Which one, is what I’d like to know. I thought she was on the short side. Karen brags about how they are best friends, then moves on to her favorite topic, Drita. She hasn’t spoken to her since the vegan fight fiasco. According to Karen, Drita knows nothing about loyalty. She does. Um, really? Karen says she only gives it to those who love her and treat her with respect. Wrong, in reference to Storm. Karen goes on about the lifestyle and how it taught her about loyalty, respect and how people should protect those in the circle. Her father is getting out soon and she wants the family to come together. Flashback to Season 1 Karen, then to the present. She says her crime is giving the wrong people respect. I agree. Unfortunately, she’s making that mistake as we speak.
Happiness brought to you by Xanax and an expensive plastic surgeon.
Renee talks about the past six seasons. She used to walk in a room and it was like the Red Sea had parted. Then reality kicked in. Flashback to her husband’s betrayal. AJ is her life, along with her friends. It’s more about what she can do for herself now and being properly medicated (okay, I added that one in). Her crime? Falling in love with a lifestyle that was made for men.
Carla talks about being a single mom, and how her ex’s jail time hurt her and the kids. She doesn’t regret growing up in the lifestyle, but she doesn’t want it for her kids. She rambles about loyalty. Not again. She is not a backstabber or a rat. Her crime? Being loyal to a fault. I agree and will add, being loyal to the WRONG PEOPLE.
Drita prepares dinner for her family at home. She didn’t think it would ever come together the way it has. Flashback to a crying Aleeya writing a letter to Lee while he’s in prison. We get a shot of Lee walking down the stairs, from waist down. He has stumpy legs and gnome feet. She says that she and the other women have been through too much to move forward. The exception is Ang, who is a true friend. Her family is and will always be her top priority. Karen is irrelevant to her. Her crime? Staying in love with a former professional bank burglar.
Ang is at her house with her son, his wife and their kids. She is no longer cancer free. She has stage 4 lung and brain cancer. She tells us she has a long fight ahead of her. She’s kicked Neil out to eliminate any unnecessary stress. She hates her hair, although she looks like a sexy action figure. Big Ang vows to live life to the fullest and do the first thing on her bucket list, which is to visit Italy.
The episode ends with the Carla, Renee and Karen walking together as they did in the intro of the original episode:
Only this time, Drita does not join them.
So what did you think of the finale, Trash Talkers? Did it disappoint? Rant on about that, the series, the tribute or anything else before we blast the cast at the reunion! Until then Trash Talkers, snark on….
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