Dish Network opens the show with a scroll at the top of the screen warning us all that NBC owned networks are trying to pillage our wallets and we need to call congress, the police, and the damn pound if we wanna watch NBC shows. As I shake in my boots, a warning sign for Rinna appears:
Look up.
The internet was abuzz the past week over leaked scenes from the final five episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I didn’t watch them. This isn’t fucking Lost. Yes, it usually ends leaving its audience confused and features vortex like soul sucking smoke monsters whose motives are never explained, but still. I can wait.
But I can’t. I just didn’t find the links online because I’m a fucking loser. THERE! I OWNED IT, BABY!
Ignorance is bliss. Speaking of…Let’s see what Yo’s up to.
I’m proud to report that Yo is not in white jeans. Most likely, they got up and walked the fuck away. Progress, no matter how it comes about, is applaudable. So, applause. PIC
She’s Facetiming GiGi right side up, wearing pink and sitting in front of pictures reminding us that she has a supermodel daughter and was walked down the aisle one time by Danny DeVito. All in all, I’d say she’s having a good day. Unfortunately, her phone just got one of the five hundred diseases trying to escape her snakeskin jumpsuit from an air kiss.
iLyme
GiGi does her required thirty seconds and she’s out. Yolanda moves the phone to the grand piano for the next call so David can’t stare at it the whole time she’s trying to talk to him.
Play me, my king. Play meeeeee!
Yo has to give a speech for Global Lyme Alliance, which sounds like some X-Men shit. Lyme should be taken very seriously. The Global Lyme Alliance probably shouldn’t be though. They’re asking YOLANDA to speak. Publicly. SPEAK.
Daveed My Love tells her to just use the speech she gave at the Lyme County Fair awhile back, but she doesn’t wanna trot out her old hits like some uncreative loser. Girl, Daveed My Love just played Ave Fricking Maria last week for the nine thousandth time in his life to entertain half interested nitwits at a dinner party. Who do you think you’re complaining to, lady without a job her entire adult life?
I’m not gonna argue against the possibility of Yolanda having severe brain damage, but come the fuck on. She’s acting like she’s in Awakenings.
She’s been “writing on” the speech for two weeks, but then she forgets what she was doing and before you know it she’s scrawled “redrum” all over the walls in poo. You can hear David shrug on the other end.
All the girls have been invited to the Lyme Event in New York. Oh good lord. I hope you at least got them some matinee Lion King Tickets. Yo wants people to share her JOORNEEEYYY. Is she flirting with someone in that band? Cuz she says that word WAY too much.
Unexpected uptick in album sales explained.
I look forward to the trip. Things always go well on New York vacays for the Housewives.
Kathryn is at the ear doc again cuz she really liked Doctor House. She should intro Yo to him. The man knows how to get to the bottom of shit.
Kathryn gets an ear implant and can hear now! That’s fucking amazing. Hopefully she’ll realize how stupid she has sounded to everyone else and just be quiet for a bit.
She cries over the newfound hearing ability and blames her idiotic behavior at Erika’s place on her deafness. Way to take a real handicap and use it as an apology substitute on a Housewives show. You’re learning. The doctor’s like…um fast forward.
Back to show the newest gold diggers on the block how this shit is done: Miss Camille Grammer and the giant Mall House That Frasier’s Ball Sack Built!
Camille stomps down the stairs proudly and it’s good to see her. I love a person that makes me root for a snag in the staircase rug.
The paintings behind her are blurred out, just in case whoever owns the copyright to general landscaping photos doesn’t sue her ass. She’s on a budget now.
As friendployees and caterers very slowly put flowers on tables, Camille is shown a giant necklace on her patio. “I looooove Tahitian pearls!” If Camille is an expert on anything in this life, it’s pearl necklaces.
Eileen is stuck in a Dillard’s clearance rack prom dress in a limo with Kyle, who is stuck in some bizarre netted shirt that doesn’t allow for Spanx. I assume they’re on their way to Malibu, but I’m hoping the driver has enough empathy to drop them by a Marshall’s first.