Well Trashcrabs, we found it. On this pleasant little romp through Potomac, it was bound to rear its ugly head at some point. And now it’s standing in front of us, growling and snarling with all of its might, storming up cloads of makeup swatches and linen samples and mediocre sangrias. I’m talking, of course, of the beast that is the Real Housewife Business Venture.
For the uninitiated, fledgling attempts at small enterprise are as indigenous to the Real Housewives universe as plastic surgery and drinking problems and overdraft fees. Ever since the early days of the Skinny Girl empire, our wives have been busting their buoyant little asses trying to make it in business (without really trying). And I guess it’s partly to dispel the very meaning of “housewife”-ness: that by definition, they stay at home and don’t work. But no, not these ladies. From their TruRenewals to their Curtin-crafed cuffs to their Fabuwhatever the Fuck cookbooks, sisters are doin’ it for themselves. And now, we can rope Gizelle Bryant into that mix.
Danator: Gizelle is starting a makeup line. Here’s what pisses me off, she’s claiming it’s hard to find the right color as a woman of color, but the shades on the table are all VERY beige (the darkest one is still in the range of ‘caucasian with a tan after a 3-day weekend in Miami’). I know makeup brands say there isn’t enough demand for the darkest and lightest end of the spectrum, but that is bullshit. If you’re trying to solve a problem, don’t sell out halfway through.
Yes, Gizelle opens the episode for us at some skincare chemist’s office in Bethesda, where she’s having said chemist rub some Bare Minerals-esque makeup on her that… yeah. Doesn’t look like it represents black women, or any woman of color (except maybe Rachel Dolozal).
Over at Katie’s house, sad Nanny May has set a Google reminder that it’s the twins Kathryn and Renee’s birthday. Yay! Katie can remember, so fondly, that wonderful day two years ago, when she whined and cried for a few hours until they gave her some rad drugs and she popped out two little red screaming things that she promptly shoved into a nurse’s arms. Like puppies, they were really weird looking and fragile and boring when they were born, but after some time they’ve grown into super cute little things that are fun to play with for two hours and are nearly house trained.
Andrew arrives with balloons, which seems to be the only thing the twins are getting for this occasion since Katie was empty handed to begin with (how should she know what kids want? what do they want nowadays. Boxcar Children books? maybe like a nice sewing kit?). In her interviews, Katie barely mentions them but fucking once. Instead, she talks about Superhero Andrew over here who “has given me everything I want!” Be still my beating heart. “He’s a great parent to my KEDDS, he holds it down in bed,[ed. note: EW], he puts up with my mother – what more could a girl ask for?” Uh, I know what more you’re askin for:
In a surprising spell of domesticity, Katie asks Andrew if she can make him some food. It’s really just an excuse to bitch about the beach trip and dump her kids somewhere she can’t see them.
Danator: Guess what guys, Katie is still talking about needing NotFianceAndrew to propose. She’s decided to be ‘domestic’ to woo him by making an english muffin with…meat and balsamic vinegar? ahhh lucky man.
OMG that sandwich she made him was so nasty. I saw cucumbers (skin on, cut way too thick), Swiss cheese, and yeah, balsamic on an English muffin. Has Katie even tasted these things before? Has she tasted THINGS before? I’m assuming she’s on a strict diet of Melba toast, clear liquor, and nail polish fumes.
While she’s making this abortion of a sandwich, she yammers the whole time about what a “phony ass” Gizelle is and explains how she’s not going to invite her to her fundraiser (which, FYI, she’s postponing “for a few months”) and will not be attending Gizelle’s Mary Kay party or whatever it is. I guess since she feels kind of sheepish for failing at the fundraiser thing, she also makes up some excuse about TOO MANY people wanting her support. Including the people from DC Swim Week. You know Gizelle, sometimes it’s OK to suck at the job you begged your parents to give you.
And sometimes it’s OK to watch your two-year-old before she falls face first on a glass side table and busts her face open.
Karen’s planning her own event at her house with Eny, her personal assistant who has great big wonderful hair.
They’re mapping out details for the “O” Gala, a fundraiser for Alzheimer’s awareness (Karen’s mother, if you’ll remember – ha! get it – was just diagnosed with early dementia, and Ray’s mom just passed from the disease).
Danator: Are Karen and her assistant seriously planning a fundraiser between just the 2 of them? HAVE NONE OF THESE PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF AN EVENT PLANNER?
Nope! But Eny’s pretty on point with all of Karen’s stuffy demands, from the caterer to the valet to the completely unrealistic request for cherry blossoms.
Just to cliff notes this for you, cherry blossoms are only in season for like, 5 minutes a year. The reason DC’s Cherry Blossom Festival is such a BFD is because those flowers are only in full bloom for a week, or three at most. From my estimation this show was filmed in the middle of the summer, and Karen is thus on crack.
Ray comes in to hear Eny’s suggestions about entertainment, which include praise dancers. (I wasn’t sure what those were but I think this is kind of a good indication?). He sort of stares at the ceiling as the image of piles of cash smoldering in flames burns behind his irises. Before the heart attack kicks in Ray asks Eny if he can speak to Karen privately. As kindly as he can manage, Ray asks her to “scale it down” a little since those ain’t money trees growin in the back, bitch he and his family are “still tender” from the loss of his mother. Karen’s pushy, but the one thing I’ll give her is the surprising amount of respect she has for her husband. So, dutifully, she backs down.
At Gizelle’s focus group, she and her friend Kal (the gay hairstylist that Charrisse hates – remember him?) are ordering stiff drinks from the FOINEST bartender I’ve ever seen.
I’d take a stiff one from him if you know what I mean.
(I mean his penis.)
(sex.)
Aside from Gizelle’s friends, Ashley is the only one decent enough to show up on time, wobbling in with her heavy hair and string bean body and typically short shiny shorts.
She tentatively asks Gizelle if they’re cool after the whole “springing my gay husband on a girls’ trip” fiasco. Gizelle says she’s more upset about the way Ashley handled things than she is about Michael showing up, but she can move past it. Karen’s the one Ashley should be concerned about, she warns. Ashley is warm and careful around Gizelle, interviewing that as a fellow “female entrepreneur,” she can appreciate the tough work Gizelle’s putting in.
Danator: Since when is Ashley a female entrepreneur? She’s… female. And… has a vanity restaurant her husband is essentially managing for her. So… Although to be fair Gizelle isn’t much of an entrepreneur, she just subcontracted a makeup company she could slap a logo on. Get these ladies on Shark Tank ASAP.
Danator describes the Real Housewives business model better than I ever could. Subcontracting companies is what it’s alllll about, folks.
Anyway, it’s just then that Charrisse walks in, squawking out a monotonous “hellooooooooo,” followed immediately by Karen, who is wearing a sleeveless top that somehow manages to be both too slutty and too formal at the same time.
I couldn’t really get a good shot of it, but it’s a black leather lace-up corset that she paired with a white pencil skirt and patent leather, pointy-toed stilettos. I mean really. I need a penicillin shot just looking at this ensemble.
She’s wary around Ashley, but she and Charrisse both receive a heartfelt apology from Kal for the way he acted in the premiere’s crab boil. They both softly accept as Gizelle hops up and down with glee, waving her hands and squealing quietly.