Hi Trashiis! I hope you are mentally prepared for this episode, because it is a doozy! I was barely able to get through it, and I am duty-bound to recap it for you. Anyway, on to the recap! Kimmy and DJ are putting away groceries, and Kimmy raves about the 89-cent store. I highly doubt that San Francisco has one. The dollar stores in San Francisco are probably $10, especially after how much Stephanie had to pay for a coffee a few episodes back. The doorbell rings and Ramona runs to get it, saying it’s the dance team.
Even Oreos are trying to escape this show.
Jackson and Max walk in, saying hello and goodbye very quickly. DJ is immediately suspicious and points out he is wearing a jacket that doesn’t belong to him when it’s hot outside. Jackson makes up the excuse that it is National Jacket-Swapping Day. DJ strips the jacket off of him and notices he is bruised and scraped all over (meaning his arm). Jackson tries to dismiss it, but DJ immediately gets Max to tattle that he skated off a tool shed and fell. DJ launches into mom mode, saying he always seems to get into trouble when he’s around this Bobby friend of his. Max tattles again that Bobby’s parents are never around. DJ bans them from going to this friend’s house. Stephanie walks in, announcing that she is DJing at a lucha match and was able to get tickets for everyone. Who wants to bet the tickets are her payment? The kids get all excited, but DJ (arguably the whitest Tanner) has no clue what that is. It just so happens that one of the fighters that night is the kids’ favorite wrestler.
Jackson was actually just trying to hide that shitty shirt.
Meanwhile, Ramona and the three other members of the dance team are practicing in the living room. Even for middle school, that’s pretty small for a dance team. The team is very United Colors of Benetton, with one white girl, one Asian girl, one Black girl, and Ramona representing the Latin stereotypes. Kimmy serves the girls cookies from the 89-cent store, and Ramona stops them before they eat. Kimmy comes back with the girl’s uniforms. That’s bizarre. Is Kimmy the dance team’s coach? Why the hell does she have their uniforms? She has her company’s “logo” (literally Kimmy’s talking head picture that she keeps in her room) on the uniforms as the team sponsor. So do team sponsors watch team practices and order uniforms? Kimmy then decides to show them the Gibbler Gallop, her own choreographed finale. It involves a lot of spanking her own butt, which can’t be great for middle school girls. It’s terrible.
I guess Ramona didn’t get the black leggings memo.
At DJ’s vet clinic, the young hot vet assistant shows her an X-ray of some kid’s dog who has literally eaten his homework. Hahahaha I’m laughing so I don’t start crying. Jk, I cry myself to sleep every time I have to watch this show. I shit you not, I had a dream about the apocalypse after watching this show last night. DJ has an app that tracks where Jackson is. She doesn’t seem to think this is at all invasive or overbearing. She hates when Jackson hangs out with Bobby, and shows the young hot vet assistant YouTube videos of them being little dick-faces. Young hot vet assistant tells DJ that boys will be boys, so she better get used to it. DJ’s phone beeps, telling her he is at Bobby’s house. She storms out of the clinic to go humiliate her kid. Does DJ not need to be at her job or something? For someone who needed two additional people at home to help with her kids, she sure does have a flexible schedule.
At Bobby’s, the boys have covered Max in pillows from head to toe, and test the sturdiness of them by hitting him repeatedly with baseball bats. Jackson climbs on the tool shed, puts on leopard print mask and tells Max to prepare to be “el explosivo’ed.” Hah! Shitting all over the Spanish language is hi-larious! He then jumps off the shed directly onto Max, right as DJ walks in. DJ starts yelling at them about being at Bobby’s, and Max tattles on Jackson about how he said she had given them permission. Bobby thinks DJ’s tracking skills have to do with Jackson being dog-chipped. She tells Jackson he’s not going to the lucha anymore and drags him off, leaving Max, who awkwardly begs for help for the next two minutes. Super mom DJ forgot her kid?
Childhood sure is different these days.
Ramona practices with the dance team again, this time with Stephanie as the choreographer. Okay, what the fuck is up with this school just letting their 12-year-old girls go practice for an official school team with whomever, wherever? Anyway, Stephanie namedrops Rihanna, saying that she worked on these moves with her at a club in Lisbon. Okay, that must have been a drag queen version of Rihanna that Stephanie couldn’t distinguish from the real thing, because there is no fucking way laptop DJ Stephanie Tanner knows the actual Rihanna. Kimmy walks in right as the girls are thanking Stephanie for getting them away from her. Kimmy demands to know why Ramona’s sneaking a rehearsal in her bedroom. Fuck, that’s Ramona’s bedroom? It’s the size of my apartment. Ramona says she wanted some cooler moves, so Kimmy challenges Stephanie to a dance-off. Did I fall asleep while You Got Served was on TV again? Am I dreaming? A dance-off, really?
Even Stephanie got the black leggings memo.
Kimmy does a bunch of cheesy moves from the 90s like the Carlton and the Running Man. Stephanie tells Kimmy she is stuck in the 90s, and Kimmy delivers a 3-minute long 90s catchphrase word vomit. Stephanie ignores it, and announces that the girls have been given an opportunity to perform at the lucha in between matches. What the fuck? These fucking middle school girls are going to dance in front of grown men at a wrestling match? Ramona tries to make everything better by naming her mother “president of driving around getting us snacks,” and Stephanie “vice-president of hot dance moves.”
I feel like the Tanners are a bad influence on Kimmy.
Later, Kimmy is teaching the baby to dance, so DJ snatches him out of her hands. He is heading over to his grandparents’ while they go to the lucha. Jackson brings DJ some coffee in an attempt to butter her up, but she’s not convinced. He tries some lame reverse psychology, and that doesn’t work, either. Ramona is excited about the opportunity to dance in front of pervy dudes, but just then Max runs out in a full King Jaguarito (their favorite wrestler) costume that Stephanie gave him. It looks like some weird camo off of Duck Dynasty. Also, isn’t Stephanie broke? Kimmy is jealous of all the attention that Stephanie is getting and does a very childish impression of her and her boobs. Everyone leaves Jackson alone at the house, which I’m sure is not going to end in crazy shenanigans or anything /s.
Did the writers hit their head when writing Kimmy’s stuff? Let’s just say she’s regressed.
We are at Lucha Kaboom, which the announcer claims is too dangerous for Mexico. Add Mexico to the list of countries this show owes an apology to. At the end of this season, I’ll post the master list for y’all. The names of the wrestlers are super stereotypical, like “Los Pollos Locos.” Max gets a chance to scream his catchphrase “holy chalupas” for the millionth time. The dance team gets ready to dance, but the white girl is missing. Ramona tells Stephanie, and this is a direct quote, “Sarah ate some bad pollo and her butt went loco.” Somebody fucking kill me. Somebody wrote this line, thought it was funny, then it went through a round of edits and they kept it in, and then the studio greenlit this shit, and then it was said out loud in rehearsal and shooting, and nobody fucking stopped it. How is that possible? Also, add all of Latin America to the list of countries that Fuller House should issue an apology to.
Wrestling is not what it used to be in the 80s.
The very basic choreography that they were doing apparently requires a tall blonde girl, so the girls ask Stephanie to step in. Because if life didn’t revolve around the Tanners, the Earth would stop its orbit around the sun. Stephanie decides to extend an olive branch to Kimmy, and suggests she do it instead. And you know, Stephanie is presumably working a gig here and all. Kimmy is already in full uniform, implying that she poisoned Sarah. And these are the adults in these kids’ lives.
Ramona’s friend is so over these white people.
As if the contrived dance plot of this episode wasn’t enough, there is a costume contest, which Max has basically won already, because his is an exact replica of the luchador. They don’t even try to make it competitive. I’m assuming the luchador is real, because his lines are so stilted. This might be the first time this guy has ever had to string a sentence together. He gives King Jaguarito his club, and DJ takes a picture of them together. There’s a lovely offensive switcheroo, where DJ confuses King Jaguarito for Max, since he’s a little person. Ugh. This episode might just beat me. I feel my sanity slipping.
Worst episode of Project Runway ever.
The dance team comes out, and the dance is 100% doable by 3 people. It doesn’t even have paired work at all. Stephanie asks the audience if they want more, but doesn’t wait for their response. The girls panic because they don’t have anything else choreographed. Never fear, Kimmy and Ramona decide they should do the Gibbler Gallop. I’m surprised the audience doesn’t boo them off the stage.
There’s clearly a spare here.
Chris Hansen is definitely coming after now.
With that “plot” “resolved,” we go back to the house, where the Jackson and Bobby are figuring out how Jackson is going to sneak into the lucha. I doubt he has his ticket, but when did plot consistency matter to these writers? Jackson’s brilliant plan is to sneak in wearing a mask, while leaving his phone at home strapped to the dog. Back at the lucha, the first match starts against the Calaveras, who are wearing what is essentially a mariachi costume with a skull mask. DJ feels bad that Jackson is missing out on shitty fake wrestling, and Stephanie convinces her to go get Jackson. She tries calling, but his phone is strapped to the dog, while Bobby is sitting around in DJ’s house for some reason. Why exactly does Bobby need to be there while Jackson tries to sneak into the match?