Previously on GoT…
- Jon Snow got mutinied to death; his last remaining allies are bunkered up with his corpse, and refuse to surrender to Alliser Thorne; they promise to call in two secret weapons: Melisandre and the wildlings
- Roose Bolton and his Frey are pregnant; Sansa and Theon escape from Ramsay Bolton into the arms of Brienne, meaning the linchpin of the Bolton dominion of the north is gone
- Theon’s dad hates him and his sister hates him less
- Wow, this is a real throwback. Ummm so a long time ago Robb caught some little Lannister cousins (one of whom was played by the same actor that plays Tommen !!), and Lord Karstark was pissed that the Lannisters killed a bunch of his sons, so he killed the little Lannister cousins while they were imprisoned, which Robb took as an act of betrayal, so then he beheaded Lord Karstark, and the Karstarks are still mad bro.
- The Many-Faced God thinks it’s okay to hit little blind girls with sticks
- Someone burned all the ships in Meereen; Daenerys locked up two of her dragons after they started burninating the village children
- Bran is a shitty mcshitstain who dragged us all through an endlessly boring odyssey. And now he’s back. Great. Basically Bran’s visions led him to a magical bird and a dendrophiliac. Awesome.
Mystical Snowy Tree
I hear a crow squawk, which immediately tells me I’m in for some Bran. Great. Luckily, Bran is not even the point of his own storyline! Cool flashbacks are! And this one is of youngster Benjen and Ned, cute little brothers training in Winterfell’s courtyard.
hairstyles have not appreciably shifted since the last winterfell generation
Benjen is clearly the older and cooler brother, which explains why Catelyn originally wanted to marry him and not Ned. This is pretty much the same type of scene we saw at the very beginning of the series with Robb, Jon and Bran doing brotherly bonding over learning to fight. Meanwhile, Lyanna Stark (beloved of King Robert and Prince Rhaegar; possibly Jon Snow’s mama) is filling in the Arya role by being a cool tomboy.
The special flashback bonus is Young Hodor, who is predictably adorable but unpredictably named something other than Hodor and able to form complete sentences.
what you talking bout, willis??
I must admit I always assumed Hodor was born a Hodor, not made a Hodor. A mystery! Trauma? Brain damage? Magic? The mind-numbing horror of constant contact with Bran?
Nan also gets a cameo, although she can’t really be classified as Young Nan because she’s only a bit less wrinkly. (She’s supposed to be Hodor’s great-grandmother, which even at babies having babies levels of reproduction would make her really, really fucking old in the flashback.)
When Bran is reluctantly returned from the flashback by the mysterious tree man – yea, I have no idea – he tries to talk to Hodor as Willis, but Hodor will have none of it. He sad-Hodors back at Bran.
Meera, who you probably forgot about because she has done literally nothing so far, is sitting outside in the snow, mourning her sweaty dead brother, Jojen, who you hopefully also forgot about. I maintain that he should have stopped after Love Actually.
peak jojen
Bran crawls out to try to convince her to care about life. I’d forgotten that Bran can’t walk, which makes me happy about how long I’ve gone without thinking about Bran.
Umm, uhhh theres some magical girl who kind of looks like a frog, and I don’t remember her AT ALL? Anyone???
WHAT IS THAT
King’s Landing
In King’s Landing halls and taverns, the memories of Cersei’s march have apparently taken a sexy turn in the heads of the town’s disgusting male townspeople. You know, the same ones who shook their junk at her as she walked by bleeding. One claims that Cersei got all hot and bothered by his flaccid swangling gigglestick.
Luckily, Ser Robert Strong, aka Zombie Mountain (sounds like a cool ride, huh?? Or maybe a Walking Dead sequel?) has her back and smushes the braggart’s head into a wall.
It’s the day of Myrcella’s funeral, but Tommen won’t let Cersei go and commands her to stay in the Red Keep. Maybe he wants to protect her from more projectile ding wallops. Maybe he heard what happened last time those crazy kids Jaime and Cersei were left near an heir in rigor mortis. Either way, Cersei’s out, so this time it is Tommen and Jaime admiring the pet rocks adorning Myrcella’s eyes.
JUST USE COINS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
Tommen is super confusing in this scene. He seems angry and judgmental of Cersei, even suspecting she killed Trystane. At the same time, he’s too ashamed to face her since he’s let her down. Typical hormonal teen.