Greetings Trashies! Let’s take a glorious trip down to the semen filled stew and catch up on this week’s “Below Deck Mediterranean.” We pick up with the really heartbreaking struggle our white privileged broseph is having when it comes to getting his Steelers game broadcasted from the middle of the Mediterranean sea. The primary’s husband can barely utter the word “football” because his mind is just going to such dark non sports filled places.
Captain Mark is no Captain Lee though and has a morsel of humanity and wants to figure out a way to stream the football game from the yacht. We see Captain trying to figure out auxiliary cables and beavis and butt head try to assist (this is a solid comparison for Bryan and Bobby I declare). Elsewhere, in the laundry room dungeon where Rocky’s decomposed body lies (in full “Phantom of the Opera” attire), Tiffany complains about everything about being a stewardess being so monotonous and just wants to become a captain already.
She’s no Rocky, looking up at the camera like she’s about to be stepped on
Back upstairs, by sheer cable miracle, Captain Mark figures out how to get the football game on the boat. His eyebrows are proud of him.
A man who is turned on by success and good eyebrow weaving
Hannah is super excited that the game can now be broadcast and we find out that Tiffany is a Steelers fan (CONVENIENT) so she obviously wants to watch some of the game while she works (thanks for throwing that softball editors, Hannah is gonna catch that shit).
Bryan is trying to find Jen on deck and on this week’s edition of “Is it sexist?” Jen gets mad because she was just trying to change her tampon and argues with Bryan that she shouldn’t have to tell him she is using the bathroom and/or shedding uterine lining. Bryan doesn’t want to hear the word “period” like every other man without wanting to vomit, so Jen sneaks by with the win.
Dinner is being prepared and we get some sick club beats to go along with this super thrilling getting ready for dinner montage. Ben, being burned by the guests and their pickings, decides a variety of vegetables is acceptable for dinner and somewhere, Leon is hoping he pressure cooks them.
Ben is serving up his dick on a platter next. . . it’s lean, he keeps it light
As Ben is trying to plate, Julia and Captain are talking and Ben nearly hurls the cucumber at their faces, as this is his make it or break it time. WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, I SWEAR I WILL END YOU IF THIS ZUCCHINI CAKE FALLS OFF THE MICRO GREENS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Luckily though, all the carrots remain unfazed and the guests are pleased.
The primary’s husband begins his EPISODE long discussion about football and it only gets worse from here folks. Downstairs, Julia is feeling Bobby’s goofy personality and can’t help but find it humorous when Bobby talks about “maintaining” his drinking buzz. She tells us in England, it means “maintaining an erection” but I’m sure Bobby is like “fuck yeah, loop me into that category too.”
The husband goes off to watch the game at 4 fucking A.M. and as he is talking some shit about “i’ve never missed a .. STFU” the screen freezes and we cut to commercial, signaling the husband went postal and murdered everyone.
This is what you see before you die. . .
Back from commercial and we continue our first world problem with husband man. Hannah figures if the game is going to be going in and out, the best solution is load husband up with tequila at 4 A.M. That sounds like the most miserable day drunk EVER. He’s gonna be pissing his pants by 7 in the morning. #blessed. By the fourth quarter of the football game, the screen finally starts working and it’s just in time to watch them lose. . . so there is a God.
As husband is contemplating drunkenly stealing a passenger boat and crashing it into rocks because there is nothing to live for now that the Steelers lost, lil Franco is shooting the shit with him as Bryan tries to Magento his ass and drill lasers into his head. Bryan tells lil Franco that there is no socializing with guests and mini dave is just trying to bro out so they get a bigger tip. . . cause those guests would totally tip more if the staff is like good at making jokes. Hannah finds out from shitfaced husband that Tiffany watched a little bit (more like listened) to the football game so now Hannah is truly ready to kick Tiffany’s head off like a sick field goal.