Hey Survivor Trashies!!!
Sorry it took so long for me to get up this recap. I honestly debated not even posting one because this episode was the most meh penultimate episode of all time. On a scale of 1 to uninterested, I was a drooling labotomized reject by the end of this episode. Almost made me wish it was one of those recap episodes completely narrated by that smug douche Jiffy Popst. And lord knows that I hate those with a fiery passion. Well, let us rip this off like a band aid and get this meh-festival over with. That being said, I feel like even though we got this meh endgame, this finale is going to be crazy good. I hope Debs has one of those ridiculous jury meltdowns. I almost want Tai in the finale so that we can see him get his ass chewed out by Prissy Spacek and AssTat. I honestly think he has no chance of winning at this point.
Previously on Survivor (wooooowooooooo), Tai decided he wanted to get rid of Michele because she probably has the best chance of winning, Tai was an idiot at Tribal and Michele called out all his dirty laundry and AssTat tried to save himself by being a lazy sack of shit, but was booted anyways. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s night 32 and Tai is notably irritated and honestly, I just can’t pretend like I don’t like that he is on the outs.
Dug your own grave
He continues moping around and being grumpy that things did not go his way
Until Michele joins the Burn Unit
Ummmmm Really Tai?
Snaps for Michele
After Michele basically keeps frying Tai over and over and over and over again, Tai decides, “hmmmmm, since I can’t be mad at Michele anymore, I guess I’ll bitch about Aubry instead. Because my feelings are hurt. Waaaaaaaaaah.” And just when I thought the Crybaby Alliance was gone.
Aubry goes into defensive mode to get Captain Butthurt back on her side. She says oh I should have told you at least what was going on etc etc.
But this is how she really feels
There is more confused Tai arguments and I’m already bored. The 3 second long credits are a welcome distraction for once.
The next morning, we jump directly into the reward challenge. Jiffy wonderfully explains that the survivorettes must climb a ladder to grab some sandbags which they then must throw at target things. AKA this season should have been called Survivor: Carnival Games
The prize: A trip to the “Survivor Spa” which is just a fancy way of saying: We booked you low budget massages and made you dinner
Raise you hand if you mute Jiffy during challenges
Challenge starts and Sydney is first to the ladder thing, followed by everyone else, except Joe as per the status quo. They run back and forth grabbing sand bags. And tossing. And grabbing sandbags. And tossing. Etc Etc Etc. This challenge is so goddam boring on so many levels.
At a certain point, one by one the survivorettes run out of sandbags and therefore are out of the challenge. All that is left is Joe
Come on Grandpa – hurry it up
Joe just walks into the woods super slow while everyone just wanders around bored
La De Dah De Dah
He manages to wander back and in what can only be described as the upset of the century, Joe manages to get the win
Now do I get my Werther’s Original’s ???
Joe is allowed to pick an amigo to bring with on reward and he of course picks Aubry, who has basically carried him in this game. They then get to pick another person. Aubry quickly shouts out to take Cydney because with things on the fritz with Tai, she has to lock down another person.
Michele, also showing good gameplay, says that she may need to chat up Tai because it’s time to change the pecking order to get herself in that final 3. JUST TEAM UP WITH THE GIRLS!!! IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE A GOOD FINALS FOR ONCE. One without a Tasha, Sash, Philip, Becky, Sugar etc. Yeah I dug into the Survivor trivia for those.
So our winners get their grub on an we get a gross montage of Joe gorging himself on beef and not in a fun sex euphemism sort of way. Cyd interviews that she knows that Grandpa Joe is gonna need some Miralax after this because GI distress is in his near future. And she says nothing because she’s sneaky
Cold hearted snake. Just watching him eat himself to death
They then talk about how they will be the final 5 and Joe even says that he isn’t gonna win.
Then just go home!!!
He then says that Aubry has it in the bag and that Cyd is just happy to go along for the ride to the finals. Which quickly opens up Aubry’s eyes to the fact that Cyd has actually played a fantastic game and has a better shot at winning than Tai does. Maybe Tai is actually the way to go.