North of the Wall
We open on Meera dragging Bran through an awful snowy forest. Bran is still having visions, which I guess is his new special power as the Three Eyed Raven – he doesn’t need to be sleeping or touching a magic tree to get the visions. He sees flashes of things from his past – Ned, falling from the tower – and also things he wasn’t there for – Robb’s death, the Mad King ordering everyone to burn.
For some inexplicable reason, the wights and the Walkers haven’t caught them yet. Was Hodor THAT GOOD at holding the door? Also, weren’t these like seven other doors and like 7,000 wights?
Poor Meera is just sobbing as she tries to rouse Bran, who is totally useless. And NOT because he can’t walk. I’m not ableist! He was also useless before that! Bran finally snaps out of it and in his typically useless fashion notes that the wights have arrived to kill them. Just in time, a mysterious figure swoops out of the darkness on a horse. Wielding a firy mace, he takes out all the wights in the immediate vicinity, then scoops Meera and Bran onto his horse.
Once they are a safe distance away (which seems unlikely, since doesn’t Bran have that Night King GPS mark on him now??) they set up camp, and the rescuer reveals his identity. No, it’s not Aragorn – it’s Scabby Benjen Stark, Bran’s uncle, who was lost beyond the Wall a million seasons ago and presumed dead.
back and scabbier than ever
Now we find out was happened: he was stabbed by the White Walkers, and was on his way to being turned when the Children of the Forest found him and saved him. Apparently you stop the change in the same way you start it – by shoving dragonglass in his heart. I think this mean’s he’s half walker or half wight or something. Cool!
half-bloods are the best bloods
wrong! mudbloods are the best bloods.
Sorry, I’m crossing my wires here, folks.
Hornhill
Gilly, Sam and Baby Sam are finally off the godforsaken boat, and in a coach traveling towards Sam’s family castle, Hornill. He’s nervously chattering about trees, and Gilly tries to pin down why he’s nervous. The answer? Sam’s not sure what kind of reception he’ll get at home. After all, his dad did disinherit him, threaten to kill him, and send him to the Wall – specifically to kill wildlings; Sam is now bringing home his wildling wifey and “his” baby. Sam suggests they withhold both Gilly’s and Baby Sam’s heritage.
Things are hunky-dory when they first arrive. Sam’s mom is legitimately psyched to see him, as is his cute little sister. They immediately accept Baby Sam and Gilly into the family. It’s so cute! Gilly is clearly overwhelmed by both the hospitality and the absurdly enormous scale of the castle. The cuteness continues as Gilly hobbles out in her very first gown.
The fairy tale ends at the dinner table, where we finally meet Sam’s brother. Sam’s brother seems nice enough, but super into hunting – the modern day equivalent of a lax bro. Sam’s dad is obviously a complete dickwad. Sam’s sister, though sweet, really steps in it by talking about how great Gilly’s [incestuous rapist] dad must have been to let her learn to hunt.
At first it’s just quietly tense, but then Lord Tarly kicks things off by straight-up calling Sam a fatty at the dinner table. (Sadly, this has happened to me many times. My mum put me on Weight Watchers when I was ten, and my host mom during a foreign exchange trip used to swat my hand with a ruler when I reached for bread. WAHHHH!!) Apparently the Wall is the fat camp of Westeros, and Pop is not impressed with Sam’s ability to maintain his stout stature in starvation conditions.
fat camp is cruel in every dimension.
He’s also not impressed that Sam is going to learn to be a maester. Sam just sits there and takes it while his dad abuses him, but Gilly can’t help herself, and she pipes up to brag about Sam’s achievements – killing a Thenn, killing a White Walker (ha! no such thing! scoffs the lax bro). She accidentally reveals that she is a wildling in the process, and things get much, much worse. Lord Tarly calls Gilly multiple versions of a whore, and harangues both she and Sam until Lady Tarly can’t take it any more and takes the women from the table in disgust. Once they are gone, Lord Tarly says he’ll take care of Gilly (well, kind of – she can work in the kitchens) and raise “the bastard,” but Sam is never welcome there again.