Hi Trashiis, it’s been a while! I’ve been sick, so that’s why this recap is later than usual. But it’s a good one. The recap, I mean. The episode was the worst. After this, I only have two more episodes of this shit, and they can’t go by quickly enough. Anyway, on to the recap!
We open to Ramona dancing to generic upbeat music, practicing for something, I guess? I don’t know very many 13-year-olds, but I doubt they spend much time dancing with no purpose in their rooms. In crawls the baby, who has been artfully covered in toilet paper. The screamer yells for help, claiming to have a situation because all of the toilet paper is gone. Ramona offers the baby, and Max grabs a small scrap of paper, but quickly claims it won’t meet his needs. The writers really went all out with this (literal) shit joke. I was wondering when we would get another one. He grabs the whole baby and dumps him in the bathroom.
Ramona seems very comfortable with Max’s loud declarations of needing to take a shit.
Downstairs, Stephanie walks in holding her shoes as DJ makes breakfast. She asks Stephanie if she is just coming in from the night before and whether that’s what the kids are calling the walk of shame. I sure hope no kids are ever experiencing walks of shame, unless it’s the vampire Procession of Shame. The sexually active adults call it that, though. Stephanie replies that she didn’t walk and she’s not ashamed. She announces that she is now famous, because her breakup with the baseball player made national TV, so every dude in town wants to make her into a meme.
Funniest part of this scene? Producer John Stamos
There’s an exchange of old catchphrases in which the writers have seriously outdone themselves in their pursuit of mediocrity. DJ asks if Stephanie needs an aspirin, and she says, “No, Mylanta,” acknowledging that DJ’s old catchphrase used to be a commercial. DJ wonders if Stephanie is mocking her, in which case, she says, “How rude.” Twist! Stephanie really needed that medicine. I die. Stephanie asks how DJ’s date with Matt went, and DJ summarizes the love triangle situation, you known, for the people who haven’t watched the last 10 episodes. Her date went really well, and she thinks he’s the one, but Steve might also be the one. Stephanie claims to be in a similar triangle between The View, The Talk, and The Real, and DJ tells her to go with The View. Hahaha, Candace Cameron’s on The View, guys! This is so fucking hilarious, y’all. The audience goes insane over this.
They really went all out for this Mylanta gag, huh? I’m sure it was a hit with the kids.
Kimmy comes downstairs, talking business on the phone, and by business, I mean child’s birthday party. Kimmy is also planning DJ’s boss’s retirement party that night. DJ tells her the theme needs to change to India, since the vet will be moving to Mumbai. Great, now this show’s going to have to apologize to the 1 billion people in India. Kimmy protests that she’ll actually have to put some effort into this, and DJ tells her to get her shit together, because the vet will be putting her in charge of the clinic. DJ is excited about finally being her own boss. Funny, she acts like she’s her own boss already, since she sets her own hours at the clinic. Kimmy complains that she’ll never be able to pull this change in theme in so fast and eyes Stephanie as a potential last-minute hire, since she’s the only broke-ass, desperate person she knows. There are some more jokes at the expense of The View and Raven-Symone, but I don’t care about them. Kimmy interviews Stephanie for the job, then checks her “references,” aka DJ. It’s not nearly as cute as they originally hoped. Kimmy tells Stephanie to go to Target and buy anything remotely Indian. This party’s going to be a racist cluster.
I know I’m not supposed to think when I watch this show, but why is Kimmy taking the birthday girl’s dress to the party?
Jackson and Ramona are up to something ridiculous that they need DJ’s laptop and password for. They act super suspicious about the whole thing as DJ leaves for work. DJ questions them, but not very thoroughly. It turns out, their thing is to watch R-rated movies without parents around. Seriously, kids? It’s called bit torrent, or any of the million streaming websites, or opening a private window on your browser. They click on something, and they immediately get a virus. Kids are not this dumb, are they? This is the kind of shit that my 85-year-old grandma falls for, not kids born with a computer in their hands before they could read. Apparently getting rid of the virus requires exactly $100. Sure. The older kids only have about half of that, and the screamer turns around on his chair like some James Bond villain. The kid is loaded and very excited to loan money to his older brother.
Gotta love TV viruses. So brash, so obvious.
Back at the clinic, Matt calls DJ over to her office to make out. Super professional, you guys. Matt’s dad walks in on them and doesn’t seem all that shocked. DJ excitedly tells him that business is booming since his slow ass left and does some brown-nosing to nail that promotion. Dr. Harmon takes that moment to announce that Matt will be taking over the clinic, which is totally unexpected to both Matt and DJ. Hahahahaha! He was just waiting for Matt to move back to San Francisco and thanks DJ for making it happen. He leaves. DJ’s pretty disappointed, because she’s been there for 7 years and Matt’s been there for 7 seconds. She tells Matt she’s taking the rest of the day off. See what I mean? She can leave whenever the fuck she wants to!
Okay, don’t look so excited. That’s your son. Creep.
Back at the house, Max has a giant moneyboner and is super over the top about this loan he’s going to give them. He pulls a giant bag of money, which he’s been saving, earning, and stealing for years. He grabs a giant wad without counting and hands it to Ramona. They need make interest payments until they pay it off, which involves showing interest in him. The first one is a foot rub, starting with This Little Piggy. The whole bit is super awkward and creepy.
Did Max get possessed by a demon? WTF?
Downstairs, Stephanie is back from Target. She also decided to complement the theme by buying a “sacred cow.” What the fuck kind of an idea is that? Who goes to a party and thinks, “Needs more cow.” Kimmy tries to tell her what a shitty idea it is but gets interrupted by the kids. They hear DJ getting home, and start to push it out but aren’t able to. DJ walks in and complains about the smell. She tells them she’s had a horrible day. You mean a horrible half-day. How long were you at work, two hours? She tells the family about losing out on the promotion and the cow moos, which cues the family into booing. Oh, for fuck’s sake. DJ wonders if she should just open her own clinic. The whole time she’s talking, the family is walking in a line trying to hide the cow. DJ drops her spoon and sees the cow. She goes upstairs to take a nap and tells them to get rid of it.
Somebody—multiple somebodies approved this.
It’s time for the party. Everyone’s in Bollywood costumes, and Max is being dragged around in a wagon, fanned by Ramona and Jackson. DJ shows up with the baby in a turban. We’re off to a great start. Everybody sure got their costumes together in a hurry since they just found out about the Indian theme that day. Matt wonders why she never returned any of his calls. I guess her nap lasted the entire day. Dr. Harmon shows up to announce to all of the extras that Matt will be taking over for him at the clinic. He calls DJ up to say a few words, and she announces that she will be opening up her own pet clinic. The extras are all shocked. Are these all clients? Why are they at this party? Why do they care so much?
This shit is whiter than the elephant love scene from Moulin Rouge.
Kimmy complains to Stephanie about how shitty this party is. Stephanie recommends that they start dancing, because it always make things better. We get treated to a literal Bollywood dance scene. Somebody put me out of my misery. This is some white nonsense. It’s like the producers have never seen a Bollywood movie. Sure, the moves are choreographed accurately, but it feels and looks nothing like the real deal. The best part is when some random ladies mix in what looks like bellydance, which is super not Indian. After that shitty dance scene, Dr. Harmon tips Kimmy. Is the party over? Nobody seems to be leaving except him. Kimmy compliments Stephanie on the quality of the party. What part did she contribute to, exactly? They decide to become business partners. This is actually the most believable part of this episode. Kimmy does not have the best judgment.
I can’t.
Max calls Jackson and Ramona over to tell them he won’t be bossing them around anymore. They still have to pay him back, though. Matt walks over to DJ, asking her not to leave the clinic. He’s been trying to tell her all day that he wants to give her half of the business, so they will be equal partners. That’s great timing there, Matt, after she already told the whole world she’s leaving. Gotta love the Full House universe, where you can just be given a business. DJ wonders if it’s a good idea, since they are sort of dating. Matt says sure, so she agrees to be his business partner. And that’s the end of the episode, though not before we’re treated to a closing Bollywood number.
They didn’t even bother to change the song. All Indian/Middle-Easter/Asian music is the same, right?
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