There are many different episodes of The Real Housewives franchise that could be considered iconic, but until The Real Housewives of Dallas came along, never in all my days have I heard a housewife threaten to kill another. Sure Nene Leakes threatened to poke Kim Zolciak’s eye out, and sure Porsha grabbed Kenya by her scalp and dragged her across the floor at a reunion, but never had a cast member of The Real Housewives franchise threatened to actually MURDER someone, until now.
I know this recap will be controversial, but let’s just dive right into this week’s episode, because I have a lot of thoughts.
We start off with a typical mashup of the women packing for a girls trip. The ladies are headed to a lake house (I never saw a lake btw) owned by Stephanie and Brandi. I guess these 2 families are closer than I thought, because Bryan and Travis built this vacation home together. Then we hit up LeeAnne who is packing with Tiffany and Cary who is packing with her husband.
Okay, now let me just say this. Cary’s husband has either gotten the worst edit of any Real Housewives husband in the history of the universe, or he is a controlling monster. I’ll let you all decide. (hint: he’s a monster)
All the ladies show up to the large cargo van that’s going to be taking them to Austin, and everyone already knows what this trip is about.
Since Brandi and Stephanie own this house together, they spend a decent amount of time there, and each time they go, they take turns caring for whoever will get the most drunk. According to Brandi, the last time they were in Austin, Stephanie was so drunk that she came up with her own language.
Apparently the ride to Austin is longer than Brandi remembers, because all of a sudden she has to pee, and she decides that a Solo cup would be the best place to take care of business.
LeeAnne pretends to be horrified until Brandi mentions a rumor about LeeAnne that she once shit in a bag in the back of a car. This one seemingly innocuous comment will take over the remainder of the episode, so I really wish Brandi would have yelled it to grab my attention better. Who knew that Marie’s event where LeeAnne broke a glass and ran out would be providing material all season long?
LeeAnne spends a good 40 minutes trying to guess how one would shit in a bag, because she for sure has no idea. Okay.
So, we arrive at the house in Austin, and things are lit from jump.
Once everyone starts to get settled, Tiffany, Marie and LeeAnne are outside by the pool, and LeeAnne is less than excited at the fact that a story about her shitting in a plastic bag has been circulating around town. Meanwhile Marie is giving us full Vogue.
So, the story is that one year for her birthday, LeeAnne was feeling a bit bloated, so she took a laxative. However, she drank a bit too much, and the alcohol mixed with the laxative caused her to have to shit.
This is only funny to me, because it happened to LeeAnne. I feel like this is something that happens often to regular people.
Stephanie and Brandi have hired a chef for the evening, so they’re free to get nice and wasted.
LeeAnne goes off on a tangent about how hard it is for her to accept and get to know people. Then Cary chimes in about how she also has a hard time warming to people, and Cary says she feels that LeeAnne judged her for that.
After a group toast, Brandi thinks that it would be a good idea to do somersaults on the dining room table.
As expected, she broke a glass.
Brandi eventually tries to entice Tiffany with a flower between her toes.
And then Brandi is so drunk, that she can barely stay in a chair.
After a commercial break, we come back to visit the ladies during their second day in Austin.
A bunch of the ladies gather in Brandi’s room, and they recall the booming sounds they heard the night before which was made up mostly of LeeAnne yelling a Marie. We get about .00001 seconds of iPhone footage from Cary’s phone, but it’s enough to know that LeeAnne had lost her entire mind.
Tiffany is trying to get LeeAnne to talk to Marie and resolve their issues. Instead of doing what she did the night before and screaming at Marie, LeeAnne is doing something worse, which is to remain completely calm during a time of distress, which on Bravo is a sign of a psychopath.
Marie keeps reiterating that LeeAnne threatened to “gut her like a carnie,” but LeeAnne doesn’t seem to have any remorse. LeeAnne’s main defense seems to be that her saying she was going to kill Marie was just a figure of speech. Like in the streets.
The second part of this trip is a spa session at the Four Seasons, and after some convincing from Brandi, LeeAnne agrees to attend. While the other ladies are getting their spa treatments, Tiffany and LeeAnne are sitting along in their room when Marie walks in. Now I know why Marie wasn’t made a full time housewife. A full time housewife would have marched into that hotel room and demanded an apology, but Marie gently sauntered in, and essentially apologized to herself for LeeAnne threatening to kill her.
This week’s episode ends with the birthday dinner (I literally forgot this was a birthday trip) for Stephanie, LeeAnne and Cary. LeeAnne is as silent as can be for most of the dinner, but Stephanie says that’s just how LeeAnne operates. She blows up on someone, and then she shuts down completely.
LeeAnne is clearly bored with this dinner and decides to check her email. Cary finds this to be distasteful, and her objection sets off a whole shitload of drama.
Next week is the season finale, and it doesn’t seem like anyone can get along.
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