Hi, Trashies. So, here we go. Two episodes this week! My dad brought me back some really awesome vodka from his trip to New Zealand and thank God he did. I’m going to need it. Also, before we begin, if you aren’t listening to RonnieK’s podcast with Stefanie Wilder Taylor, you totally should. They post it on the site each week and it’s hilarious! With that, let’s get to the episode!
So, we pick up this week and realize that the men really are living in a frat house.
Somehow there is meat that has been uneaten.
Basically, everyone still hates Chad. Well, everyone but Daniel for some reason. They’re talking about working out and eating. That’s interrupted by Chris Harrison who managed to drag himself to the house for a few minutes to deliver a date card. The first date is for Chase and the card says “Let’s get physical. <3 JoJo.” Of course Chad is being a douche about it and tells us that his relationship with JoJo is so far ahead of everyone else’s. Has he even met Jordan?
Anyway, we cut away from Chad just long enough for Chase and JoJo to arrive at their date.
“Are we doing some yoga?” Yeah, Chase actually asks that.
It’s basically the yoga date that Chris and Carly did a few seasons ago. This time, they throw a tantrum and it’s called an “angergasm.” I feel like the tantrum date would have been perfect for Chad. At least his anger would have been appropriate. Speaking of Chad…
I think this sums of the Chad and Daniel relationship perfectly.
Back on the date, JoJo and Chase are sweating and we catch a huge lion tattoo on Chase’s side. Also, JoJo has to straddle Chase so they can breathe on one another.
.And no one is surprised by how this goes.
Also, I can’t unsee this…
Everyone in this franchise looks exactly the same!
And now it’s time for JoJo and Chase to talk with food in front of them! So, Chase’s parents are divorced, so he wants marriage to be a “one and done” thing for him. JoJo is worried that all of this might be too fast for him, but he’s definitely OK with continuing his 15 minutes of fame in this franchise finding the right person quickly. So, yeah, they make out and Chase gets the rose because that’s what happens on this show. Oh, and there’s a concert by a band we’ve never heard of.
Does anyone recognize these guys?
It’s time to cut back to the house for another date card for Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian (who has been liking my tweets lately!), Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad. “Love has no secrets. <3 JoJo.” Jordan tells us he’d rather be on a one-on-one date, but he’s happy to spend time with JoJo. James Taylor says that he wishes his name were on the date card. Chad, being Chad, declares that he doesn’t want to be on the group date at all. Of course this leads to an argument. Time for me to poor more vodka! Look, I get what Chad is saying – he’d rather be on a one-on-one date with JoJo than with all the other guys. He doesn’t have to be a dick about it. Granted, if he weren’t such a dick about it, this would be a really boring show. Then Jordan makes a comment to Chad and he, of course, lets his anger issues fly.
As usual, Chad is all talk because he goes on the date anyway. I’m sure he wishes he hadn’t because the first thing that happens is everyone watches a woman fake an orgasm.
Vinny: I’ve never heard anything like that.
PopePhilly: I very much believe you, Vinny.
Basically, the men will be getting up on stage to tell their sex stories. Chad, of course, doesn’t want to do it. He goes on a long rant about how that this is personal and JoJo hasn’t earned the right to hear this yet. Yeah, I agree with him to some extent. Hell, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and he doesn’t know a whole lot about my past sexcapades. However, there’s a difference between telling intimate details and telling a funny story that happens to involve sex. Grant is the best example of someone having fun with it. He told a hilarious story about how the police caught him in the park with a girl the first time he had sex. He made the story about the funny stuff and not about the sex itself. Hell, Chad didn’t have to tell the truth. Hell, anything would have been good after Daniel’s story about stealing a girl’s hair. Just make up a funny story. Why does he take everything so seriously?
On a funnier note, when asked about his favorite bodily fluid, Daniel tells us, “Poo is pretty funny.”
Daniel should get his poo checked out immediately if it’s in fluid form.
Evan decides to use this as an opportunity to make fun of Chad. He all but says “Hey, everyone. Chad is on steroids!” He even reerences Chad calling JoJo “naggy,” so it’s very obvious about him. Now, up until that moment, Chad was still pretty defensive about Evan’s talk about steroids. Just throwin’ that out there. As even goes back to his seat, Chad just grabs him and rips his shirt. Now, someone pointed this out to me and it’s the greatest thing ever.
Just watch as Alex delicately applies Chapstick.
After that, Chad calls JoJo up to the stage to be his volunteer. He just tells her that today isn’t about the past, it’s about the future. He goes in for a kiss, but…
DENIED!
Because he’s clearly the best choice for any woman, Chad punches a woman as the men go back stage. He then basically grabs Evan by the neck, pushes him, and says, “You’re gonna die if you don’t chill out.” Wow. What a proportionate response.
Anyway, it’s time to carry the drama over into the nighttime part of the date. Jordan gets the first alone time and he talks about making mistakes in his past relationships (like, you know, cheating). JoJo somehow makes this about her and Ben. She really talks about hi a lot for someone who’s ready to move on and find love. Eh, it just leads to them making out because Jordan is the obvious front runner at this point.
Chad tries to interrupt…Nick? I think it’s Nick. Maybe another James? I have no idea who the filler is at this point. We hear Chad whistling a single line over and over again and this will get more terrifying as the show goes on. When he’s not whistling, Chad tells us that he’s a really nice guy and he has no problems with anyone. Right. Then he tries to convince himself that that JoJo didn’t kiss him because she didn’t want to make the others jealous. Also, him pushing Evan was just because they were in each other’s way and trying to get out of the aisle.
Whatever you have to tell yourself, Chad.
Evan makes it hard for me to defend him in this situation when he tries to pick a fight with Chad by asking why he’s here. Honestly, Chad is in the right for this small moment when he asks Evan to just leave him alone. Granted, that moment is over the minute Chad says, “Don’t cook when I’m cooking.” There’s no point to this whole thing, so I’m just going to move on.
We take a break from the drama so that James Taylor (yay!) can get a date card that says, “Let’s kick it old school.” It’s cute that he thinks that JoJo was the one who picked him to go on the date. Oddly, I think James Taylor actually believes that.
Ugh, time for more Chad. He’s just pacing around giving commentary on the other guys. I do laugh out loud when he tells us that Grant looks like Handsome Squidward from Sponge Bob Square Pants.
He’s not wrong.
I guess we have to watch Chad interact with JoJo now. She asks about the altercation with Evan and Chad tries his best to explain it away. He says of Evan, “He’s like the little kid trying to beat up the bully!” JoJo is very quick to come back with, “Don’t be a bully!” I think she’s really getting sick of Chad’s particular brand of bullshit. After a few minutes, Evan interrupts and Chad rants to himself. I’m not sure why he calls Evan “Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element” as an insult. Gary Oldman is fucking awesome!
Especially in The Fifth Element!
Basically, Evan just wants to give JoJo an ultimatum – either she gets rid of Chad or he leaves. Does Evan know what show he’s on? He doesn’t really get a say in who JoJo picks. I honestly don’t think JoJo cares if either of them leave at this point. Before giving out the rose, JoJo wants to talk to Evan. Everyone thinks that he’s going home. She’s not making a decision right now, but she is giving Evan the rose. Then he’s super creepy in his ITM and says, “Boys, guess what! Daddy made out with JoJo!” I’m sure his sons are so proud.
This is going to end really well. I’m sure of it.
So, Chad proves that the tantrum date early would have been the perfect place for him because he just goes off on JoJo. I wonder how much the producers had to talk her out of telling him to just get the fuck out. Grant tries to step in, but it doesn’t do any good. At least JoJo shuts Chad down right away. I love Chad’s rant in his ITM. He says that no woman would want Evan for anything but to sweep her front lawn. Well, first of all, Evan has fathered three children, so a woman wanted him for something. Also, in what universe do sweep a front yard?
The face of roid rage.
Before Jame Taylor and JoJo go on their date, we have to discuss Chad back at the house. Basically, the guys who share a room with him are terrified, so now there’s a security guard in the house.
Or at least an intern wearing a shirt that says SECURITY.
Oh, yeah, dates happen on this show. James Taylor and JoJo are going swing dance. And JoJo looks awesome in the whole 1940s retro look.
But I can’t imagine how much hairspray she’s wearing right now.
So, yeah, it’s a dance lesson, so they learn to dance.. I really do love James Taylor. He’s such a good sport about literally everything. He’s the anti-Chad. I know that no one on this show is sincere and looking for love, but I kind of want him to be the exception.
I guess we’re just getting snippets of this date because we have to talk about Chad some more. We just see the security guard walk around the house for a bit while Chad eats and talks to Daniel. Daniel is a little bit the voice of reason in his rambling. That’s pretty weird.
Dancing is still going on. After the lesson, JoJo and James Taylor go outside where a whole swing dance party is set up.
I hope they don’t mean his first date ever.
As the dance ends, JoJo explains that she really likes James Taylor, but she wants to see if they can move past the friendship stage. I’m sure this is the last we’ll see if this date for a bit because Chad is on the show.
And he’s eating a sweet potato like an apple.
I think Daniel is trying to break up with Chad. He compares him to Hitler, Trump, and Mussolini and tells him to take it down a notch.
And Chad continues to eat.
We cut back to JoJo and James Taylor and they’re just sitting in the car in a park. Of course, Ben gets brought up again. Stop talking about it, JoJo! Anyway, James Taylor was made fun of a lot as a kid (he got called “Luke long neck” for some weird reason) and he’s super insecure. Even saying that it’s true, James Taylor (again, I will always use his full name), doesn’t seem insecure at all! I have to reiterate my love of him. Anyway, he gets a rose and then sings a song for JoJo.
And now a private concert with James Taylor! No, not the one you’re thinking of.
Honestly, I kind of like the song. I’m digging James Taylor’s song writing style. The song obvioisly works because JoJo tears up and then they make out.
Finally! Cocktail party time…or not. Chris Harrison tells us that the cocktail party is cancelled, but JoJo wants to have a pool party to just spend the day hanging out with the guys. Why is everyone surprised? The pool party happens this episode literally every season. Chad is angry that men who aren’t him will be seeing JoJo in a bathing suit. Chad is throwing up enough red flags for a Chairman Mao parade.
Chris Harrison leaves, but Evan follows him out of the house to tattle on Chad. Are we really supposed to believe that Chris Harrison doesn’t know what’s going on in the house? He’s a producer of the show! Anyway, Chris Harrison calls Chad outside and, once again, there’s a lot of downplaying. I love that the only thing that Chad denies is that he brought steroids into the house. Basically, it just ends with Chris Harrison telling Chad to apologize to the other guys. This episode ends with Chad walking back in the house threatening to fight someone.
And the next episode opens with the pool party. Chad comes inside and just tells the guys he just wants them to leave him alone so he can move on with his life. Evan actually says, “Chad, you owe me an apology and a new shirt!” Then there’s a whole back and forth with that and can we please kick both these ass holes off now? Wells (love him!) tries to step in and end the whole thing, but Evan and Chad have to keep fighting or they lose camera time.
James Taylor is awesome and tries to help too!
And we that, we go to the pool party. Evan gets a nose bleed, but it’s not at all what the previews made us think it was. He just seems to have hit his nose on the wall or something.
And we get a super subtle reminder that Jordan is the front runner.
JoJo’s conversation with Jordan isn’t much of anything. She’s nervous around him and wonders if he’s too good to be true. Nothing really gets answered and they just keep making out. We get a montage of JoJo making out with guys while she talks about how even Chad is having fun.
Chad having fun = eating next to an inflatable flamingo.
Chad tries to completely downplay his outburst to JoJo. When he tries to explain it (“If you have any interest in Evan, what am I doing here?”), it doesn’t really make things better. He tries to make it a food metaphor with “Do you want ice cream, or do you want steak?” I wonder if Chad knows that it’s possible to like both ice cream and steak. Oh, then Evan walks over an interrupts. I bet this isn’t producer manipulated at all. And that starts all the guys talking to JoJo about Chad.
After JoJo leaves, Chad decides to confront Derek. Derek is clearly the better person in this situation. He simply says that JoJo asked him a question and he answered. You can just tell that Derek is sick of it all. I love that Chad makes it seem like he doesn’t have time to watch the show because he has a job. He doesn’t have time to watch the show, but he has time to be on the show. Brilliant logic Chad.
Remember earlier when Jordan called Chad stupid? Chad just proved him right.
Oh, fucking finally, we can get to the rose ceremony. Chase, Evan, and James Taylor all have roses. The rest of the men staying are:
Grant
Derek
Jordan (duh)
Luke
Robby
Wells
James F.
Vinny
Daniel
Alex
Chad
Once again, JoJo gives a resigned sigh when she calls Chad’s name. You know that she really wants him gone but the producers won’t let her. Seriously, he’s pretty much all anyone is talking the last few episodes. Anyway, I’m sad that I won’t be able to look at Christian anymore (unless he keeps liking my tweets!) and I wanted Ali to stick around a little longer.
JoJo tells the boys the producers she decided that they’re leaving the mansion and not coming back. It becomes obvious right away why she doesn’t tell the men where they’re going – they’re going to the suburbs of Pittsburgh and no one could possibly be excited for that. I have a friend who’s probably going to be pretty mad I said that. I’m from Eastern PA. I’m required to make fun of the other side.
Why does JoJo arrive in a biplane? Where the show’s budget go?
As soon as the men arrive, a date card is delivered for Luke and it says, “I like you very mush. <3 JoJo.” The date starts right away and they go…do you call it dog sledding if there are wheels on the sled? Oh, and there’s a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. JoJo is super excited to see Luke shirtless…even though she just did the day before. Anyway, the hot tub is too hot for JoJo and Luke has to lower her in slowly.
Which is just an excuse for him to grab her ass.
Luke is also getting the “is it too good to be true?” edit. That’s such a nonissue. Can we stop it with that already?
We go back to the house, and we’re oddly not talking about Chad! Well, kind of not about him. Alex doesn’t want to be on a two-on-one date with Chad (you know what that means!). Chad thinks that JoJo is “saving him for last.” See, “save the best for last” isn’t really a thing in dating. You don’t date people you dislike before you get to the ones you do. You just go for the people you like. Anyway, this leads to the introduction of “the Chad bear.”
And the producers go literal.
And it’s time for another date card for Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby (who throws out an “alright alright alright alright” that makes me want Chad to punch him). It says, “We. Could. Go. All. The. Way. <3 JoJo.” That means Alex and Chad are going on a two-on-one date. Gee. I’m sure no one saw that coming. At all. I wish you could see my surprised face right now.
Back on JoJo and Luke’s date, we hear all about Luke’s tragic past. He talks about going to West Point (I guess West Point didn’t teach him that they’re not in the Ivy League), but then he got shipped off to Afghanistan as a platoon leader. Unfortunately, his good friend Jason was killed there. That lead Luke to value life and be connected with his emotions. And with that, he pretty much cinches the Bachelor gig if JoJo doesn’t pick him. Of course, they make out and Luke gets the rose.
You can’t not give a rose to a man immediately after he opens up about his dead friend.
I can’t believe they’re going to another concert of a band I’ve never heard of and making out in front of a crowd. That never happens on this show.
The next day, the men and JoJo arrive at Heinz Field to meet with Ben Roethlisberger. Yeah, he’s probably the last guy that should be on a show about wooing a woman. He’s methods aren’t exactly family friend, ABC. I only know who Hines Ward is because he was on Dancing with the Stars. Does he owe ABC money or something? How is he on all the reality shows?
Also, what’s with the challenges that are super specific to one person. First there was Chad with the firefighter date and now Jordan with the football date. I love that Ben knows of Jordan because of his brother (which is how pretty much everyone knows about Jordan).
LOOK OUT, JOJO!!!
Anyway, there’s just some general sportsing and James Taylor takes over the bleeding duties from Evan.
At least he’s bleeding for a manly reason.
And the bandage is super adorable.
So, this is the point in the season where the men break up into teams and compete for more time with JoJo. It’s as if the producers said, “No, JoJo. We can’t give you a one-on-one date with Jordan yet. We will give you a football date so you can make out with him later.”
Of course, we have to cut back to the house so that we can watch the tension between Alex and Chad. It’s kind of terrifying that Chad thinks that the only way to get someone to leave him alone is to hit them. You know, because he can’t possibly just walk away and close a door. For some reason, Chad is blaming Alex for everyone not liking him. I thought it was Evan’s fault.
Back at Heinz Field…
This is happening.
Wow, so Jordan is the quarterback for both teams. So, I guess I was right in my assumption from earlier. Oh, and Evan’s nose is bleeding again. Dude should probably get that checked out. Derek makes the winning touchdown in the last few seconds and the blue team (and Jordan) wins.
On the winners’ date, we actually see that Robby exists. He says his feelings for JoJo are increasing rapidly. Have we actually seen them interact before just now (aside from his limo exit)? Anyway, they make out on a pool table.
Even though Robby thinks things are going well, its’ time for Jordan to have some time with JoJo, so it’s Robby who? Anyway, JoJo wants Jordan to be more vocal about how he feels and tells him he’s hard to read. Then tells her what she wants to hear (“he’s falling for her”) so they can make out. Time for the rose! It goes to…
Shocker.
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The two-on-one date card arrives for Alex and Chad! This is going to be amazing. Seriously, this might beat out the whole Chris Soules leaving Kesley and Ashley I. in the desert together thing. This lead to another tantrum and a whole lot of “you wanna go outside?!” from Chad. I imagine dating him would be exhausting. Can you imagine telling Chad no for anything?
Hell, the music going into the two-on-one is terrifying. While the other men talk about what will happen on the date…
Chad is super creepy.
Then we get the best speech ever from Chad: