Making plans these days sucks. It’s usually in a group chat where no one will make a definitive statement, or respond, or agree on anything from location to who to invite. The worst is when you do participate and say something like “I don’t care as long as Jane doesn’t come” only to receive a “bro, Jane’s in this chat” side text. There’s only so many times you can claim you meant a DIFFERENT Jane. It seems to me we should all take a cue from Reign, ditch our phones, and revert to 16th century technologies. Apparently communication was super efficient as they were able to get a remarkable number of messages between Scotland and England faster than it takes most people to respond to an email. Who knows how many horses were shot lame in the process, but when the throne of a nation is up for grabs, our rulers aren’t messing around.
We open in Scotland where Mary and Bash are still pretending to be brother and sister. Bash offers to ransom his “sister” with the goal that their friendly travel companions/captors will take them to their clan leader, Monroe, to approve the plan. The underlings are so excited at the prospect of splitting this money with Bash that they completely forget they’re supposed to be pillagers of a ruthless clan. Take all the money, y’all! Either way, the ruse works, and we’re off to see the leader.
v. excited about our fair and modest profit
You guys, Monroe is HOT. Maybe it’s because he actually has a Scottish accent, but I am not minding him at all. I wish Narcisse were still involved in this plot so they could interact while I yell “make out!” at the television screen.
Monroe’s sent a rider to check on Mary’s fake intended, so moves need to be made against him immediately. Bash is freaking out about being outnumbered and the logistics of getting close enough to Monroe. Mary is not worried.
Chill. I’m hot.
After a dance, Monroe invites Mary to his room under the pretense of picking a piece from his recently looted jewelry collection. Take note, gentlemen. I’m pretty sure this would have a 95% success rate for me. Anytime I get an opportunity to wear a necklace that won’t turn me green, I’m in.
Mary picks one out. Monroe fastens it around her neck and puts the moves on her.
loving this
His flirting soon turns antagonistic, though, when he picks up a salvaged dagger. The latin inscription implies it belongs to a queen and he’s put the pieces together. He’s heard tale of the bewitching raven-haired beauty, Mary Queen of Scots, and this interaction has confirmed it’s her.
Mary thinks fast, grabs hold of her regifted necklace and stabs him in the throat. While he gasps for breath she picks up the dagger and finishes the job. You go girl. Francis would be proud.
It’s MY necklace!
To his credit, Bash trusts Mary to handle herself, and waits outside dutifully with two horses. He may have drowned someone in an artsy sequence where the only audio was music to get said horses, but sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs. Mary runs from the tent drenched in blood and they peace the eff out.
♫ bagpipes ♫
The show is sort of acting like she’s crossed a line and reached new dark depths of her soul, but she bashed Clarissa in the head with a rock with intention to kill in Season 1, so I’m not really convinced. I suppose it was a premeditated revenge kill, but if it’s deserved, in my experience, it doesn’t weigh on the psyche any more than your run-of-the-mill self defense manslaughter.
Elsewhere in Scotland, we finally meet Mary’s bastard brother, James, the King Regent. Big surprise… he’s hot! No Scottish accent, but he’ll do. He even gets a superfluous sex scene to demonstrate his studliness. Wrapped up in his story line is the infamous woman-hating John Knox who THANK G is not hot because you know I would low key root for him if he were.
They too have figured out the shipwreck most likely contained Queen Mary, and Knox is thrilled. He’s in James’ ear constantly hounding him. “Mary’s dead, let’s move on. Dismantle the monarchy!” James wants proof of his sister’s death before he fundamentally changes the government of Scotland but Knox ain’t got no time for that because Elizabeth is coming!
It’s either me, Elizabeth, or Lord Darnley
Oh God, not Lord Darnley
News of the shipwreck reached England, and they are also assuming Mary is dead. Without Mary, James is no longer regent, and the throne goes to Mary’s cousin, Lord Darnley. One thing all parties seem to agree on is that they don’t want this guy in charge, so Elizabeth plans to throw her hat in the ring.