Previously: Meathead walked into a trap. Literally; Bleh-mma told Bitchy Brooke that going down the Bad Touch spiral is a bad idea, instead of telling her friend that there’s a new killer on the loose; Bleh-mma needs to get her Nancy Boo on, and everyone needs to understand her terrible choices; Kieran Kohl decides that being Sheriff Zero Fucks narc boy-toy is better than being Bleh-mma’s boyfriend. Best decision ever; That Thing You Dad! was getting ghost texts from Token Riley (r.i.p.) but SZF thinks that Bleh-mma is the one catfishing her dad. SZF thinks Bleh-mma’s crazy, but we know she’s as crazy plain yogurt; Audrey was a dick (again) but she finally confessed to the ball-less wonder, Shut Up! Noah, who just happened to press record; Lakewood has a new dynamic duo, and they are Bitchy Brooke and Creepy Cartoonist; Bitchy went all 50 Shades of Hell No on Bad Touch Branson, but after she left, New Coke 2: Electric Boo!galoo cut off the floppy-haired sex offender’s hand and then ironed it out. Ouch. Get that man some Neosporin!
Likes: Patrick Bateman cosplay, Sussdio, and stealing toast. Dislikes: Kieran Kohl, and restraining orders.
We open up on a very fancy kitchen with some pulsing music playing. Is HGTV trying to get in the after dark market? Before this turns into a very special episode of the Property Brothers wherein “tearing the floor up” doesn’t refer to hardwood (although “hard wood” will play a major role) and the backsplash is of the sticky variety, we see that Tyler Slurden is doing his best blue steel in the microwave. He looks in on the middle-aged couple who are still asleep while gripping a knife. Tyler Slurden then makes some toast, and leaves some shoes on the counter. The wife wakes up and wonders what the fuck just happened in her kitchen. That Tyler Slurden sure is a “bad boy.” Not. Tyler’s first mistake is that he believes he’s a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel, and his second mistake is that the writers of this shoe are just flat out terrible.
Did I find a Pokemon?
Bleh-mma’s morning looks a bit more normal. Professor Try-Hard calls, but Bleh-mma is sending her shady ass straight to voicemail. That’ll teach her not to lock Bleh-mma in rooms! Someone knocks on the door, and both Bleh-mma and Cool Coroner Mom are all, who the fuck? Yeah, I wouldn’t knock the on Duval door either…unless I’d lost the will to live. It’s Sheriff Zero Fucks. Hurray! Suck it, Scream Twitter followers. Round these parts, the man is a damn hero. SZF is there with his deputy (Dwayne) and they want to look at Bleh-mma’s computer. SZF tells Bleh-mma about the Token Riley texts coming from her IP address. Bleh-mma says she’s innocent, and SZF agrees, and then lays out all his evidence against Bleh-mma’s stalker. When SZF mentions the ill-advised Scooby Doo adventure at the fairground, Bleh-mma realizes that her Sephora Soul Mate ratted her ass out. Oh no, you have law enforcement professionals on your side and ready to help? What a betrayal! Shut up, Bleh-mma’s pouty face. Cool Coroner Mom is just shocked. SHOCKED that Bleh-mma went out after she told her not to. She’d get mad, but it’s hard to get emotional when your kid is just walking all over you in front of company. Cool Coroner Mom brings up the Nightmare Pee Barn, and shares a knowing look with SZF, because of Brandon James family dramz. SZF gets Bleh-mma to let him look at her computer.
So…that’s what a parent does? Welp, I done fucked up then.
Audrey stayed the night with Shut Up! Noah. Do we think she’s keeping his balls in a jar, or did she throw them in the trash?It’s not like he knew what to do with them when he had them. Shup Up! thinks Audrey needs to come clean to Bleh-mma, because she’ll understand. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Are you kidding? Princess Pout Face will throw a tantrum if you remember something she doesn’t. Also, I know I ranted about this last week at length, but Audrey fucking knocked you out with chloroform and made you think you were going to die! You don’t just unfriend this asshole on Facebook, you unfriend them from your life, and call the cops! Audrey changes the subject, and suggests they grab breakfast. There are not enough cinnamon rolls in the world to make up for the shit she’s pulled.
The only coffee shop in Lakewood. Tyler Slurden took Bleh-mma’s shift, and tells Audrey and Shut Up! Noah that she’s not there. He’s only lived in Lakewood a week, and already realizes that Bleh-mma is the axis on which the world turns. However, Shut Up! and Audrey need coffee and food, because their lives may revolve around Bleh-mma but their stomachs do not. Shut Up! grabs a spot on the couch, and gets accosted by Cram It! Zoe. Major awkwardness ensues. Cram It! suggests a study date for physics; they have an oral exam (wink). Audrey says hello, and gets an icy greeting. Cram It! tells Shut Up! she’ll pick him up; she likes to drive. GROAN. Stop getting your pick-up lines from the Cougar Life commercial. Shut Up! is too dumb to realize that Cram It! was hitting on his ass, but Audrey isn’t, and tells her friend to bring protection. Yeah, I think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself. Shut Up! doesn’t need a condom, he needs a dick.