This week’s experiment in terror opens with a rehash of everything that’s happened this season, so far. Including a little tidbit MisRed forgot to include last week- probably because I was in shock over Vicki blaming Tamra for not being supportive of her lying sack of sh*t boyfriend and Vicki- the lying sack of sh*t accomplice in Cancergate: When Tamra was saying that Vicki said she wasn’t lying and then she made the whole thing up and then said at Kelly’s party that she never lied… Vicki says- and I LOVE when people say this because it’s so STOOPID, and makes me want to punch Vicki in the FUPA- “This is my truth.” MY TRUTH. As far as I know there is only THE truth- it’s not subjective. Hell, if we were all able to write our own truths, MisRed’s truth would be that she is married to Kyle Chandler, living on his ranch in Texas, with his 5 miniature donkeys, one of which is named “Carlos, the drug dealer.” (Well that last part is actually THE truth.)
Let’s go back to Kelly’s party. They all head back to Kelly’s house to – I don’t know- drink more, Kelly issues this invitation straight out of Emily Post “Let’s go back to my house. It’s nice and warm and we’ll do shots.” Uh oh, Shannon’s judgey eyes are out- “Who does shots? Me? Yes, I do.” The “ladies” seem impressed.
It’s quaint, but where is the Abercrombie?
Shannon loves the chandeliers, Kelly has 3, not just one huge one that David. David? David?!!? is forced to lower and raise 18 times per day.
Does anyone need 3 chandeliers? No. No they don’t.
She’s says “Don’t bring my kids here- it’s so modern. My house looks like a Grandma’s.”
Outside on the deck, Heather and Meghan compliment Kelly on her home, Kelly says she wonders how she got there- because she’s from Arizona.
My guess is she took I-10 straight across…
You aren’t exactly Magellan, Kelly.
Vicki and Shannon meet up at the bar. Is Shannon unhappy about it? Yes, she is. They both order Tito’s – shocking. The bartenders are marveling that they have the same drink order. Riveting.
About as comfortable as a seeing Chris Farley in a g-string
Vicki and Shannon standing awkwardly at the bar- then Vicki reaches out and hugs Shannon who stands there like a headstone- cold and unmoving.
Hearts Melting…
Vicki says in interview “Hugging Shannon is like hugging a corpse- cold as ice.” Mid-hug Vicki informs Shannon they are going to talk. They go to sit down immediately.
Oh, this is going to be good because Shannon gives exactly zero f*cks. Vicki runs through the script with Shannon, telling her “you guys were right, I was wrong, I want to put it behind them and move forward.”
I’m ready for you to forget I’m a twatwaffle.
I love when the perpetrator informs the victim that they should just move on. The looks on Shannon’s face are so priceless.
I’m making this my Christmas Card.
Shannon says “You are too astute of a woman to not have know what was going on- and a year and a half of lies you can’t just sweep it under the rug.”
Vicki says “I didn’t lie, I was lied to. ” She’s also ending her sentence with a preposition, but who is keeping score?
Yoohoo… right here, keeping score.
Shannon says that she thinks Vicki lied and was in on Brook’s scam. Vicki says Shannon is crazy, and she is stuck in the past. Shannon says “I’m not stuck in the past, I’m just being smart.”
Vicki says “Don’t make this about you.”
Shannon is like whoa, bitch “I made NOTHING about me.”
#judgeyfinger
Vicki says “Don’t talk to me like that, I’m not your child” (cue footage of Vicki rolling around on the floor of Shannon’s craft room, yelling “Maaaaaaam! My Maaaaaaam just died!!!”)
Maaaaaaahaammmmm, I’m an orphaaaaaaaan
Vicki just wants to move on and can’t understand why Shannon can’t agree to move on as well. Shannon says that Vicki called her disgusting and vile and Vicki says she was disgusting and vile- Shannon is like- which is it- is this an apology or an attack? Shannon says that she forgives Vicki but she doesn’t know if they can have a friendship. Vicki doesn’t know what else she can do.
Shannon’s interview says that “Vicki Gunvalson is not my friend. Done.”
Outside, Kelly says she feels badly for Vicki. Heather warns Kelly to stay out of it. In what way would that be fun?
Suddenly Meghan says “Anyone know what time it is? I have to give myself a shot.” Advice: If you have a time-sensitive medication- wear a watch. Heather volunteers to shoot her, she’d rather do that than watch what’s going down between Shannon and Vicki. Kelly says she’s a pro- she hasn’t done it in 10 years- she and Heather cheers to having “miracle babies.” I think Heather says “the fourth one was the devil.” but I may not have heard that correctly