Previously: Audrey FINALLY came clean to her empty ball sack of a best friend about Peeping Pipergate; Sheriff Zero Fucks has the only working brain cell in Lakewood, and his son, Creepy Cartoonist enjoys doing a little turn on the catwalk with his New Coke mask. Kids today, am I right?; Bleh-mma acted like a pill to Kieran Kohl because he had the temerity to give two shits about her ungrateful ass; Professor Try-Hard was recording everyone so she could write a tell-all book; Tyler Slurden wanted to have fun with Bleh-mma. A root canal is more fun than a night spent with that piece of dryer lint; Bitchy Brooke got a bit of revenge on Bad Touch Branson with some encouragement from Creepy Cartoonist’s toned shoulders; New Coke 2 finally got off the couch and cut off Bad Touch’s pedo hand, and threw Try-Hard over a stairwell; Tyler Slurden introduced us to the dangerous world of “Goldilocksing,” that involved the illicit use of a toaster while wearing cool shades. Also, Tyler and Bleh-mma got their Talking Heads on and burned down the model house.
Shut Up! Noah records his Serial Boredom podcast about the Lakewood carnival and blah blah sinister-cakes. Would you like some coffee with your emo this morning, Noah? Shut up. Audrey wakes up to a sticky alarm. Blood on the ceiling and blood on the mirror. “12 Dead” and “No One Will Forgive You.” I prefer my Rock Clock, where The Rock gives me a motivational message, but hey, everyone needs something different to stop them from hitting the snooze. Also, Audrey, maybe lay off the Ambien. This is the second time that New Coke 2 has gotten into her room while she’s asleep. Either New Coke 2 is a part-time cat burglar, or Audrey needs to see a doctor.
I’ve got to stop waking up like this
Audrey and Shut Up! Noah are busy doing some murder math at school. They only count eleven bodies. I think they forgot to count Shut Up! Noah’s manhood as the twelfth victim. Shut Up! Noah is trying to get Audrey to tell Bleh-mma. Yes, because we all know Bleh-mma to be a kind and understanding person. The only thing nice about our Solipsistic Princess is that her hair is shiny and lustrous.
Bleh-mma corners Tyler Slurden at his locker, so they can talk. In private. So dramatic. Next time just send a text.
Shut Up! Noah, Audrey, Cram It! Zoe and Creepy Cartoonist are sharing a table in physics class. Uh, if I were Creepy Cartoonist I would take my broken tablet of bloody classmate drawings away from the girl who put him on library trial for cursing Goody Proctor’s chickens. Cram It! Zoe wants to speculate about Professor Try-Hard’s trip over the banister. Creepy Cartoonist says it doesn’t fit the killer’s profile, but why waste time guessing when they can ask the lesbian in the corner. Burn. I tell ya, Creepy Cartoonist is growing on me. Keep up the sass, and I’ll even let him take Bitchy Brooke to the prom. Before Audrey can rile up the angry natives and have them beat Creepy’s ass again, Mayor Sal gets on the intercom to talk about safety, and Lakewood’s rich history of bike paths. Nobody cares. I notice that poor Cram It! not only got blue-balled by Audrey but is once again having to trail behind her. You might want to rethink that whole threesome thing, if you want to get Shut Up! Noah’s attention. Everyone snarks on Lakewood, but Bitchy Brooke begs everyone to come to the fair that night for her speech. Mayor Sal is making her smile and wave for him, because he’s having a bad day. Also, turns out that model home that burned down last week belonged to Mayor Sal, so he’s mad enough to dump a body in his trunk. Oh wait, he’s already done that.
Sheriff Zero Fucks is looking at pictures of blood, as one does. I assume that it’s Professor Try-Hard’s crime scene. Try-Hard should’ve have skipped Lakewood, and moved to Bon Temps; the vampires would have loved her all-you-can-drink buffet. One of the deputies brings SZF a box of everything from Try-Hard’s desk. He sees the recording of Creepy Cartoonist’s session and hides it in his desk. Your son likes to Buffalo Bill in the mirror with a mask on. All the kids are doing it. Don’t worry, soon he’ll be getting murdered like all the other teens.
Don’t be such a square. This is a totally normal phase for teens
The fire inspector is showing SZF around the charred remains of the model home, and takes him to the bathtub with Eddie Krueger and Bad Touch Branson’s barbequed corpses. I was wondering if Bad Touch actually died, since New Coke 2 kept killing him over and over last week. Someone radios SZF that there is someone outside that he really will want to talk to. If you chose someone cool [insert name here] you would be wrong. Bleh-mma has driven to the crime scene with Tyler Slurred who is sitting a reluctant shotgun. She’s decided that SZF is on their side, so she is going to come clean. Oh so now Bleh-mma trusts the po-po. Make up your mind, Princess Perfection. Back at the station, SZF is super chatty with Bleh-mma about Tyler Slurden and how long they’ve been B&E BFF’s? Bleh-mma doesn’t like that the sheriff is questioning her about where she and Tyler were in the house. Clearly, Bleh-mma is the only person that is allowed to ask questions. SZF tells her that a girl back in Atlanta has a restraining order out against Tyler Slurden. That guy has got to stop breaking into people’s houses for a well-balanced breakfast and am voyeurism. Proving that not only is he a master cop but a good wingman, SZF totally talks up his narc boy-toy, Kieran. Bleh-mma is ready to go. Not being treated like the second coming of Christ is more than she can handle. Cool Coroner Mom is super proud of Bleh-mma. SZF wants to chat with ol’ jelly spine, but first he asks Deputy Dwayne to keep an eye on Bleh-mma. Ugh. I’d rather clean the bathroom with a toothbrush. Tyler Slurden is waiting and wants to make things up to Bleh-mma, but she ices his ass. SZF makes a critical error and asks Cool Coroner Mom for her help catching a killer. This will not end well.