Tonight is a very special episode of Big Brother – the battle back competition. In honor of this illustrious event, I’ve suspended my sober viewing policy; this recap is brought to you by Bird Dog cinnamon whiskey (ay Bird Dog – sponsorship opportunity right here).
Just in case we forgot about the evicted house guests battling it out for a shot to get back in the house, the “previously on” segment at the top of the episode goes all the way back to the beginning of the season. We get to say hello (and for the most part, goodbye) to: Glenn (mi favorito), Jozea, Victor, Bronte, and Tiffany. Four will go home for good, and one gets a chance to lie and cry some more! Will Tiffany wear a bandana in this competition? Will Jozea still call himself the messiah? Will poor, sweet Glenn elbow his adorable way back into the BB house? Let’s find out!
There will be four head to head competitions tonight, with the winner of each battle progressing to the next round. First – we have Glenn vs Jozea. Oh no. God be with you, Glenn. This doesn’t seem good. Glenn comes out guns blazing, crossing himself and letting us know he’s doing this for his family – Vin Diesel in Fast and the Furious style.
Glenn Diesel
Jozea DOES in fact confirm he’s still the messiah, with “he can walk on water, I can walk on logs”. The logs that Messiah will be walking on are part of the first challenge: they must cross log bridges and bring back berries to drop into two columns of ten. They can pick an easier but longer path or live dangerously by taking the shorter, more treacherous path, and the first one to get twenty berries wins. BUT WAIT – they each have a poison berry – If they get that one, it deletes all of the opponents’ berries from one column. Glenn reminds us that he’s from the Bronx, “the school of hard knocks – and we don’t like to lose”.
But immediately it’s not looking so hot for Glenn. Oh lord, Glenn is going so slow. Jozea is practically flying across the course until OH SHIT he does fly right off. Haha. That’s what you get for being so mean to the people’s champion, Glenn.
“Balance is my best skill whoooaaaa-“
Jozea falls a second time, and then – using some critical thinking – decides to take the longer, more stable path. Glenn is leading three to one, but Jozea is steadily gaining. Then out of nowhere there’s some surprise rain storms! Jozea catches up to and then passes Glenn, because we all know that rain makes old people go super slow (sorry Glenn!).
Especially when you stop to taste it.
Glenn elects to go for his poison berry, but oh, his li’l ankles are so wobbly! Jozea sees that Glenn’s going for it, and races to put the tenth berry in his first column, locking in the berries and making the poison berry useless. Glenn is too slow, because of course he is, and Jozea gets his first berry column all locked in. Now listen all of y’all it’s a sabotage as Jozea retrieves HIS poison berry and drains out all of poor Glenn’s berries. Oh Glenn. You’re making it hard to root for you. This is feeling very familiar; I’m having flashbacks to Glenn’s performance in the earlier challenges. Then it doesn’t matter anymore who I root for, because Jozea has – unsurprisingly – won, and our former cop/current mobile dog groomer is gone – for good this time.
“Do I look like Jesus when I stand like this?”
Now it’s time for Victor vs Jozea – Your Boy vs The Messiah.
Your boyyyyyyyyy
The best friends are reunited, but their joy is cut short by the knowledge that only one will emerge from this contest the winner- but wait. Wait a minute. Did Paul escape from the house and cut Jozea’s hair too? What is happening?!
Who did this to you?
For this challenge, they must serve tennis balls off a giant racket to knock over five pictures of their opponent. Don’t worry, there’s lots of ball innuendo, like when Victor says, “Jozea is tossing his balls at my face”. The music is aggressively elevator rock as Victor and Jozea suck equally at the ball chucking contest. Finally, Victor smashes one of Jozea’s pictures over and the music changes to severely whimsical, with pop up video style sound effects. Poor Jozea struggles to knock over even one Vic pick while snapping for a ball boy, but there’s none forthcoming so he and Victor have to run for their own balls. At this point they’re both getting tired, but Jozea manages to tie the score, so it’s 3-3. Victor is legit, head-scratchingly confused as to how Jozea could have caught up to him, but it doesn’t matter because Victor pulls ahead and makes things real tense with the score Victor 4 – Jozea 3. With the smell of triumph in the air, Victor’s fighting spirit cannot be contained – and he knocks over the final picture! Victor must say goodbye once again to Jozea, but hello to a WWE-championship style belt, that I somehow missed was a big part of the competition earlier.
Where’d you come from?
I blame you, Bird Dog. On that note; Bird Dog break, BRB.