Last week, Carole jumped back into the investigative world to get to the bottom of pre-mature baldness and the women who love it. Bethenny wore a wool blanket and drank hot tea on a beach thanks to Dr. Pop-a-Pill’s fibroid advice. The women boarded a borrowed yacht and Sonja realized how much she missed Tom’s motor-boating skills. Ramona twitched.
We pick up at the yacht party Central Casting built. No wonder Luann didn’t want to name the guest list. It would have been Background Actor #1, Extra #2 and Intern #4.
Luann: Tommy Tune sends his regrets.
We finally get to meet the yacht owner, Kimberlie, who appears to have been brutally attacked by Ramona’s hair extensions. She’s got a squeaky voice, big eyes and the type of innocence that suggests she’s never seen what a housewife will do to rented property.
Luann’s friend, Background Actor Eric, seizes Sonja as soon as she and Ramona enter the party. Luann clearly planted him to out flame Sonja and says he picked the best of the two as she floats away on a cloud of love and post-nuptial earnings. Sonja is pulling out some of her best hits including, “if you keep rubbing up against me I might turn into a diamond” as she and the extras laugh haughtily. Dorinda slurs her way through a conversation with a “single and ready to mingle” Palm Beach-ite and Jules does her version of “Panda” which just goes “Sonja, Sonja, Sonja, Sonja, Sonja”. I like this version better.
Sonja says that the group is not the type that they’re used to and if all the undesirables went to the right side of boat, they’d sink. Even at her worst, she’s the best. Ramona meets a man named Julio and starts speaking in a Spamonish accent and calls Dorinda “Dorrrrinda”.
Sonja sees Tom eyeballing her and she’s nervous. She says she’ll just be her normal, flirtatious self and Carole advises against flirting with a man at his own engagement party. Carole finally meets Tom and compliments social media pictures of Luann and Tom. People say Carole is being nice because Bethenny isn’t around but that’s not true. She’s simply making it a point to do everything she feels Luann should have done when she got together with Adam. Sonja and Tom look as uncomfortable as his man thongs. You know he wears them. Sonja says he’ll have to introduce her to a nice guy and he says “nothing but the best”. See Sonja, he spared you!
Sonja was successfully pushed on to an older gentleman by Tom. Maybe he said nothing but the beast. If they were to do a Lost Boys reboot, he’d be the mom-banging leader of the pack. Sonja and her oversized napkins are ready to be with an older guy. Meanwhile, Dorinda tries to hook up married Jules with a guy and Jules says the kitchen is closed. Of all the rooms in the house, she closes the kitchen. Too. Shay.
Background Actor, 40-45 with green eyes asks how Tom met all of the women. Ramona says they met in a bar and he flirted with her. We get to see the Season 1 clip of Tom flirting with her group at a club. Bravo was kind enough to leave a bonus clip of a Ramona spasming at the end. Ramona announces that they went out “like five times”. He says dinner once or twice like this is Storage Wars and you can just bargain your way into a storyline. What I want to know is if Ramona was married when they met, how did they stay in touch? Or did they reunite years later at one of their creepy, high end pickup bars? Either way, pass the hand sanitizer and open my skull. Gross.
Tom, Ramona and Carole chit chat. Carole says her friend is getting engaged and she wants the number to his diamond guy. Hmmm, is the friend Bethenny? The word on the street is that Bethenny was supposed to have the engagement storyline and Luann stole it from her. Tom randomly says Ramona smells like a grapefruit and she tells him to tone it down and stop flirting. He compared her to an acidic, bitter fruit. You tone it down, Ramona.
Tom: You wanna go to my place and huff some lemon Pledge?
Jules is bartending while Dorinda exclaims “Dowinda in da howse” and Ramona performs the activity formerly known as dance. Somewhere in a mid-town dance studio, a Sushi Roxx dancer is apologizing to her parents and making plans to get on the first flight back to Nebraska.
This is your doing Sushi Roxx dancer #8!
Jules is making uneven drinks and pouring liquor all over Kimberlie’s yacht.
Jules: Pass me the ice bucket; I feel a sudden urge to bathe!
Carole and Ramona discuss Tom’s inappropriate citrus dependency. Ramona says Luann constantly goes after men because she’s insecure and Tom needs constant reaffirmation. Carole, sometimes author of a vegan cookbook and staunch anti-kitchenite, says it’s not a good recipe.