TMZ – What Happens in the Grotto Stays in the Grotto Because We are Never Selling this Shithole
The Playboy Mansion, aka The Cum Sock of Holmby Hills, is back on the market folks! A $110 million deal with billionaire junior Daren Metropolous fell through, despite the fact that Daren had grand plans to rebrand the decrepit litter box of sex and also allow Hugh Hefner to disintegrate in peace there while he did. Well, considering that Heff is a notorious controlling dickweed, that deal wasn’t sweet enough for him, so he did what was rational and… put the house back on the market for another person to wrest out of his bony, brittle hands? I mean, whatever, at this point the only thing holding up that dump is fossilized cocaine and the calcified skeletons of small animals. So I say let Heff have it. It’s basically two steps away from a Hoarders investigation. Let it tumble on top of him and bury him forever in used thongs and moth-eaten nudey mags.
OHMYGOD LOOK WHO’S SELLING IT THO. Haha, ew. Of course.
CNN – ZIKAFEST 2016 WOOOOOOO GET REKT!
Slap on your mosquito nets and G-strings, girls, cuz it’s about to get FUKT UP in Rio! The Olympix officially kick off tonight with booze, broads, and a veritable carnivale of fever, rash, and microcephaly. Amid the TOTALLY TURNT protestors outside, the party of the year will be raging inside the Olympic Stadium, where bitches be waving dem flags (and dem titties). Don’t forget to stay woke for TEAM USA. That’s where we’re from. We get all the gold. Because we are the best at everything.
People – Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us! (broke)
Well, not really. But A Friend of Mine will be very glad to know that she and Adele have more in common than a wideset frame and a propensity for cursing. They both got their credit card declined at H&M! Wow. That makes me feel much better. Adele, like me—y friend who I know, also enjoys shopping at stores where the clothes are highly flammable and fall apart in two wears and are made for twenty-something poors. And she gets her credit card declined there! I really feel so much better about everything. For my friend, I mean.
D-Listed – The Police Called. Can Someone Go Get Grampa?
He’s at the mall this time. Yelling at teenagers. Yeah, he’s going on about that PC stuff again. Yep. You know, the “pussy” speech. Yes, officer. First name Clint. Last name Eastwood. Don’t approach him if he’s got a golf club because he knows how to swing one of those puppies. Last time we had to pay for an officer’s crown replacement. Just speak to him softly and ask him about Andy Rooney. He’ll calm down. Take him to a sit-down restaurant and let him pay for the meal with a check. Make sure the wait staff isn’t… well… you can see where I’m going with this.
E! – Nutha Day, Nutha Diazepam
Let’s take a look at what Kim’s wearing today, shall we?
Faaaaaantastic. Have a great weekend, guys!
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