Well, it’s that time of every other year, or every four years, or however it goes I don’t know – The Olympics! There’s patriotism in the air and gnarly leg injuries on TV, but who cares? It’s time for Biiiiiiiiiig Brother!
This episode is brought to you by the ghost of Da’Vonne.
Last week, Mama Day was evicted, to the surprise of literally only Michelle and Z. When we last left the houseguests, they were perched on tiny discs in the air and slamming into boards that say things like #USuck in the battle to win HOH. Paulie shaved his beard, really emphasizing how stupid his sideburns look with his haircut.
This whole board said #UglierByTheDay. Good job, editors.
Anyway, Paulie lets us know that before this comp, he Victor and Paul decide that their mega-bromance of all the dudes in the house needs an official name. They come up with “The Executives”. Vic is Chief Executive Officer, Paulie is Director of Social Affairs, Corey is Chief Event Coordinator, James is Chief of Operations, and Paul is – you guessed it – Chief Friendship Operator. I hate this. Just call your group the bros before hos.
Meanwhile, back in the HOH contest they’re getting attacked by “internet trolls” who kind of look like yeti rednecks.
Y’all ready for a whackin?
James is tired and drops off first, where he’s smacked around by the trolls. Natalie is swung off balance and she and Corey keep colliding, which is pretty great. Everyone keeps slamming into the insult boards until Bridge hits the #USuck board one too many times and falls down. However, now she trusts the guys – oh, sorry, the Executives – so she’s not too worried about falling off.
After 11 minutes everyone is feeling pretty rough, but Michelle is doing alright, dodging insult boards every now and them – then out of nowhere Corey flies off backwards and gets attacked by the Hills Have Eyes family trolls. Next Michelle gets nauseated and starts puking while she’s spinning, which is gross as well as futile because, she falls off shortly after.
Just…hang in there?
Michelle starts sobbing about losing the contest as well as feeling sorry for whoever has to clean up her puke, but thankfully the trolls come over and whack her anyway. Stupid Paul thinks all the hashtag insults hanging up around the competition area are hilarious, and says “Everyone in this house is a weiner -they all suck”. Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much.
At this point Z is trying to win for herself and Michelle, and I’m just hoping no one falls off into Michelle’s puke. Nicole gets whacked off her rope by #USuck and narrowly escapes doing just that. Paulie is hanging by alternating arms and doesn’t want to lose because he’s worried about Z and her gross lady emotions, and what if she comes after him if she wins. Z is tired and starts trying to broker a deal – she determines that Nat and Victor aren’t gunning for her eviction so she lets it go. IMMEDIATELY AFTER SHE DROPS, Paulie does too, which makes Zakiyah start to cry since it’s obvious he’s not really on her side.
You can do so much better, girl.
And now, “It’s a battle of who loves their mom more!” between Nat and Vic when Natalie’s shoes start slipping, and it looks like she is not long for this comp. Her feet keep kicking off but she manages to kind of climb back up although it’s spinning faster and faster.
After clawing her way back up she tries to make a deal with Victor, who looks like this is the easiest thing he’s ever done. Vic shrugs and says “Yeah, it hurts.” Nat says “Please let me wiiiin?”, which Victor shockingly doesn’t go for. However, Victor DOES so this like, swear and kiss his fingers thing and start tossing out Spanish, and says that he won’t put Nat up for eviction. This does get Natalie to drop to the ground – where she’s pummeled by trolls. Victor, now the new HOH, shields her from them until James scurries over to protect her himself.
Hey girl, you need some mouth to mouth?
Great, now the executive alliance is in control of the house so they can make an executive decision and executive executive executive. Just please lord don’t let them say it as much as friendship.
Z keeps crying in the diary room because she feels betrayed by everyone, especially Paulie. EW GURL you can do so much better than this Paul puppet with shitty hair, no personality to speak of, and overall ewwness. He goes in to talk to her, notices she’s upset and then says what every woman wants a man to say when she’s upset – “relax”.
YOU’RE. NOT. HELPING.
Next James goes to comfort Natalie, who is upset at herself for losing and worried she’ll be nominated for eviction. It’s mostly just that she wanted to win a competition for once though: since Victor did his unbreakable oath kiss that he wouldn’t put her up, she’s feeling pretty safe nomination-wise.