Hi Trashies!
The process of getting this double ep cap out has been long and painful – although the pain was mainly for anyone who interrupted me getting this abomination out. Failed logins, me falling asleep for 16 hours straight for, er, reasons. With hindsight, it might have been better to split it in two, but there’s no point telling me that now is there?
So its an outdoor challenge first, for farmers. Once again we’re doing it with an odd number, 11, which used to be anathema to the MC producers, but it seems they don’t mind anymore. Anyhoo, the presenters arrive on tractors, a subtle nod to the theme.
Have we lost Lee yet? Crap, no.
Nathan’s mind, what little there is of it, is as usual blown away by this. Marching bands, tractors – they all do it. I’m biased, I live in an agricultural area so I see people on tractors every day. Mainly in front of me slowing down the traffic, so my reaction to tractors is less enthusiastic.
Sometimes there’s this idea that farmers know about food better than most people as they grow it, but my sister was a farmer’s wife (and a teacher, and an independent, strong, woman, and a violent psychopath), my nieces grew up on a farm, and they are barely trustworthy enough to know the difference between a gas hob and an electric one. Let alone use one.
The judges hint that they’re going to be using farm grown vegetables, as opposed to the hydroponically grown ones we all get? Cough. Oh and they’re picking the leaders. Its Diamond and Fratboy.
Fratboy complains everyone thinks he’s ‘just a fratguy’.
You brought it up first, moron.
In fact he’s really the only person who mentions it. Apart from me. He also grew up on a farm. This is not necessarily the huge bonus he thinks it is, but he is a strong cook so not a bad leader choice.
Gordy claims they’re using the most popular meat in the world – pork. That really depends on how you see it. Pork is the most eaten, but only because the massively over-consuming areas of North America and Europe eat tonnes of it as a cheap and easy to obtain meat. In terms of popularity, beef and chicken are more popular. In terms of the meat eaten most widely, that’s goat meat – eaten by a massive 63% of the worlds consumers. Don’t forget, two of the worlds major religions ban pork too, whereas Goat is inoffensive to everyone, and very tasty. /rantoff
I don’t know why I’m being picky, I love pork. They’re using pork tenderloin, and bone in pork chops. The team with the least members is picking the protein. Meh, both loin and chops are fine to use. A coin flip later, Fratboy picks his team first. Now here we see a lot of strategy. Fratboy decides to pick the pork chop – not because of it, as such, but because he doesn’t want Nathan on his team, and he’s worked out that whoever has six people will get him as he’s likely to be the last picked. You can’t deny that Fratboy plans ahead. Diamond is happy with this, she wants more people.
Blue Led by Fratboy with Schoolteacher, Jobless, Lady Traitor and Pokerface
Red led by Diamond with Vegas Baby, Andrea, Manbear Terry, Eric the onlyfireguy and Nathan.
That went precisely how Fratboy envisaged. Andrea picks up on this and points out that having Nathan is like having an Albatross around your neck. Worse, having Andrea and Nathan on the team together is like having an Albatross round your neck and then jumping overboard screaming ‘Papa I’m coming home’ to face the dark comfort of the sea rather than deal with the shit of Nathan and Andrea trying to kill/hump each other.
It turns out they actually have to pick their own veggies. After this, they have 75 minutes to make all the farmers entrees. Tosi and Gordy waffle on some quasi-mystical shit about how picking veggies makes you more in tune with them or something. Lee just looks on vaguely uncomfortably and I’m starting to like him more. But hey, Gordy gets 60 million a year for all his tv stuff. He learned to swallow his shame years ago and Tosi is going the same way fast. So would I if I had the chance. The loose association of morals I have are totally pervious to money.
Lee claims that if Fratboy stops clowning around, he’ll be taken seriously. What? What clowning? Putting an anchor on a cake? Whoa there Mr Clown, that’s enough of your crazy antics. Next you might do something right off the hook, like pass the Port to the right. That might be a slightly English joke but it sums up the level of ‘clowning’ Fratboy does. ie incorrectly passing a bottle of booze to the right rather that the left. ie none. As an explanation you pass Port to Port (ie left in nautical terms). If you fail to carry on passing it correctly (after taking a glass, of course) you get asked if you know the Bishop of Norwich. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know, but it means, ‘stop hogging the port, you bastard’. If you are ever at a posh English do and some one asks you that, that’s why. Unless an old man in a mitre is hovering at the edge of the conversation.