Previously: Bleh-mma and Audrey found Peeping Piper’s ripening corpse at the creepy old orphanage. THIS is why you don’t go to places that have a reputation for “child abuse” and “forced lobotomies” on their Yelp page; Tyler Slurden covers his creepy eyes with some cool shades; Audrey doesn’t trust Tyler Slurden, but she’s in no position to throw shade at the other creeps in town; Shut Up! Noah got stabbed but sadly profuse abdominal bleeds couldn’t get him to shut up for five seconds, and we were treated to the most painful indie student film of all time; Bleh-mma and Audrey bitched and whinged their way through New Coke 2: Electric Boo!galoo’s scavenger hunt for Noah; Cram It! Zoe became yet another minority casualty of the horror genre; Bitchy Brooke is on the outs with Mayor Sal for getting Meathead to do his dirty work, but not the kind involving getting nasty with the gym equipment; Bitchy and Creepy Cartoonist are “special friends,” if you know what I mean, and I think you do (its Care Bear slumber parties, duh); Sheriff Zero Fucks is worried that Creepy Cartoonist didn’t come home, but if he knew that his son was getting some action instead of playing with action figures, then I think he’d be less worried; SZF thinks that Brandon James is back from the dead, but CCM isn’t so sure. Just in case, CCM is going to leave a message in a tree for BJ, because her life is a Hallmark Movie Channel special, but Tyler Slurden was watching her. Dude, was it just me, or was this week’s previously segment extra long?
Bleh-mma is sound asleep. I need the Lakewood secret to sleeping through everything, because these characters are really committed to their zzzz’s. New Coke 2 disarms the alarm, tries a couple of doors and then waltzes inside. No one wakes up, because again, these people are hardcore sandman enthusiasts. New Coke 2 gets his knife all over Bleh-mma’s stuff – notice the knife lingers a bit on the photo of Bleh-mma and Kieran Kohl. For those on Team Killer Kieran, this could be a clue for you – and then heads for the dream journal. Bleh-mma’s dream journal would probably be a great cure for insomnia: bore you to sleep. Bleh-mma wakes up after New Coke 2 loudly opens her journal, but she’s too slow for the killer. New Coke 2 is a lazy serial killer, but he’s a fucking stealth ninja when it comes to getting around. Bleh-mma grabs some scissors and heads downstairs. For once this show actually feels like a horror movie, not a good one, but at least the show is making an effort. New Coke 2 is gone, but has left behind an ugly wooden heart necklace. MOM! We need a new security system (and to ween ourselves off of those horse tranquilizers we call sleeping pills).
In Lakewood, you count sheep and you DIE
Another creepy home shot, this time of the House that Hork Built. Kieran Kohl comes rushing out, and you know he’s in a rush because he hasn’t even had time to style his hair. Tyler Slurden is sitting up eating cereal (Trix are for creepers!) and wants to know why his cousin is leaving in the middle of the night. Bleh-mma emergency. Why ask? It’s all about Bleh-mma.
Bleh-mma can soo relate
SZF and his band of deputies have checked the house, and New Coke 2 is gone. Do we think that the Lakewood PD are as over Bleh-mma’s bullshit as we are, or are they just happy to have something to do other than patrol the bike path? Kieran rushes in for hugs. I don’t know how Bleh-mma can stand to hug a man who doesn’t have time to pomade. Cool Coroner Mom and SZF head to the kitchen. CCM says that she put a message in the special tree, but she’s still not sure that BJ is alive. Is there anyone else that was close to Peeping Piper (other than the staff of Lens Crafters)? Professor Try-Hard, of course.
Shut Up! Noah is looking the worse for wear, and watching Mayor Sal’s press conference on TV. Audrey is sitting by his bed. For once, Noah isn’t feeling chatty. The rest of the Near Death Breakfast Club arrive with caffeine and horror movies, but Shut Up! Noah is done with the genre. Life is a whole lot safer when you’re into rom-com’s. Everyone looks sad, and Kieran Kohl thinks that this is no time to give up. On what? Annoying everyone with your superior knowledge of the Friday the 13th oeuvre? Shut Up! Noah has told his mom (stop pretending she exists, show) that his friends are going to pack up his Murder Vision Board so that he never, ever has to look at it again (until they totally pull him back in by episode’s end).