Celebitchy – Let’s Start With Some Good News
Not gay, beaming maniacally, Miscavidge sex slave Tom Cruise has apparently not seen his 10-year old test project Suri for over three years. a) funny, a lot of Scientologists haven’t seen their family members in a few years, and b:
Reality Tea – Welcome to Lie Cast Where We Invite Z-List Celebrities to Lie All the Time About Everything! Lie It Up!
Farah Abraham, a walking, talking pile of brightly colored squeaky silicone dog toys, went on the “Allegedly” podcast to talk about her Allegedly Existence. Throughout the episode, Farah droned off a series of preposterous fairy tales about shit like wanting to join the House of Representatives because “she wins every argument,” her self-prescribed low maintenance as a girlfriend, and her willingness to accept money for sex from random men in the grocery store. She occasionally gets propositioned by celebrities, but prefers businessmen. She’s not one to turn down $20,000 for some rub and tug. Um, Farrah. FARRAH. F A R R A H . Oh yeah and by the way she says motherhood is goin great. Shrug.
The Superficial – Now This is My Kind of America
Today’s political scandals are so depressing. Mainly driven by a melting traffic cone loudly pontificating about the dangers of non-white men, they truly turn me into a depressed husk of an American, fearful that my country is headed for a Second Holocaust. I miss the days when politics would get in the fun kind of hot water. The hilarious, harmless kind that – ironically – ended their careers while the GOP nominee’s only seem to strengthen his odds. I’m talking about like when Anthony Weiner, an actual human phallus whose name fit the bill, sent his naked gym mirror selfies to any woman that was dumb enough to give him her number. Well he’s at it again folks! Yayyyyyyy! 
TMZ – Amber Heard Missed Her Dep(p)o
I find both legal cases and the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp saga woefully boring so I don’t have any jokes to make about it but I guess you people find it important because I guess domestic violence definitely is so here you go here’s some news about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. There. You animals. There’s your Amber Heard news.
Just Jared – Note to Self: Never Hang with Liam Hemsworth
Liam Hemsworth, who is so annoying and obsessed with me and calling me nonstop to see if I want to chill, made the worst party foul ever. He dropped an entire case of beer. AN ENTIRE CASE OF BEER. Bro. Broah. Bro, do you even lift? That was some artisan craft shit! How you gunna drop the whole case of brews? Bro my cousin couldn’t get the handles of Stoli because he had to pick up an extra shift at Arby’s – now what are we gunna do? What are the girls gunna think of us? I can’t just call Riley and ask her to bring tampon applicators full of whiskey again. She was gunna totally give me a handy tonight. BROOOOOOO.
Vogue – One More Thing.
Ughh. I fucking surrender, Kris.
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