Hola TrashTalkTV peeps! It’s been a while. I was watching the most recent episode of this train wreck/documentary/crapfest and was yelling at the tv, rolling my eyes, and guzzling my wine and thought to myself, why is nobody recapping this on TTTV? So I emailed the Powers that Be (what’s up Ronnie!) and he’s all, “DO IT GIRL!” So here I am!
I would have had this up earlier except I got a brand new kitty this week so it’s kind of taken over my life. If you hang in there, I’ll post photos at the end! Because Kitty photos = everything! So let’s do this!
Kudos to the creators of this travesty of a show for titling it so literally. These people LITERALLY walk down the aisle to marry someone they don’t know, that television producers have picked for them. Although I think they should really do a follow up show after each season titled, “Married at First Sight: Divorce Attorney Chronicles.” It would basically just be an attorney swimming through dollar bills and gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. Because they’re all gonna get divorced.
The show works like this, the producers match these people up, they get married (OHMYGODMARRIEDATFIRSTSIGHT!), then they spend 6 weeks together and at the end of six weeks they decide whether or not to stay together.
Full disclosure: For YEARS I had a recurring nightmare that I was walking down the aisle towards a man I did not know and I was like, “uh – yeah no. I don’t want to marry him!” I was so terrified I’d pick the wrong guy, my subconscious would wig out every now and then with this panic stricken nightmare. I’m so happy someone was able to make a real life version of my nightmares.
Here’s our happy contestants for the worst reality show on TV with real life consequences! Yay!
This show likes to waste our time during the premiere by doing two things: 1) trying to convince us they have “experts” doing the matching (yeah right); and 2) introducing us to people they will never cast, as well as our cast members. It does make for some for some fun guessing work, but mostly the first hour is just super-filler! Actually that’s kind of how the show works mostly. I’d guess about 20 minutes of each episode consists of footage already shown the previous episode. It’s very frustrating and results in lots of fast forwarding. Lucky for you I’ll only report the good stuff.
So let’s talk about our couples:
Happily Ever After . . . until six weeks from now when I realize you live in a bus
Our first couple is Lilian and Tom. Tom owns a yacht interior company, and he lives in a bus. Down by the river. Seriously. He lives in a converted tour bus – supposedly by the water. Which I don’t buy for a second. He says that most relationships end because the women he’s with can’t deal with his “lifestyle.” In other words, he’s broke as a joke and pretending it’s a “lifestyle choice.” He Facetimes his brother from his van/bus/lifestyle choice, and his brother is surprised and supportive. He asks his brother to be his best man – and his brother accepts.
Lilian seems sweet enough, although I believe she has some Daddy issues. Her parents divorced and for reasons not explained she no longer speaks to her Dad. Her sister is fairly supportive of her decision to get married to a stranger, although with some reservations (cuz this idea is bananas). When she’s picking out her wedding dress, her mother flies from Honduras in to join her and it’s sweet. Her mother panics when Lilian tries on a dress that’s covered in pearls, which is apparently very bad luck for a wedding. So what gift do you think her new husband sends her for their wedding day? A pearl necklace. Which, is 1) gross and 2) hilarious and 3) I totally think the producers put this little idea in his brain. She’s cute about it, doesn’t wear the necklace and explains the superstition to him after the wedding and he’s pretty cool about it.
Anyway, the show for some reason thought it would be a great idea to stage this wedding outside with no back up in case of rain. In Miami. So of COURSE it’s raining. And instead of everyone going inside to wait it out for 20 minutes (cuz it’s Florida, and that’s how weather works here) for some reason they make this poor girl stand in the rain and get soaked. As well as the whole wedding party. It’s like an Alanis Morrisette song. It’s still not ironic.
The only good news for this couple is they are hot for each other. They are giving each other the sex eyes all day, and the night of the wedding they don’t “consummate” the marriage, but I’m pretty sure from their flushed “morning after” faces they enjoyed themselves.